Horoscopes, by Adam Sandler
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you
are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but
piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are
still a general bad ass.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded.
You are nothing but a worthless goddamed communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for
thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That
is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers
and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good
bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libra's die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot
be trusted.. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of
your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpio's are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you
are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are
quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but
piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by
the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are
still a general bad ass.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded.
You are nothing but a worthless goddamed communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for
thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That
is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot.
Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers
and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good
bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libra's die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot
be trusted.. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of
your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
Scorpio's are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.
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Anyway, yeah, that third outfit is sooo fucking awesome, but I can't buy it till I win the lottery. It's almost 200 bucks,