robosagogo

The pills I'm on haven't done anything beyond making it impossible for me to stay up past 1 a.m. I even took them with soda (which supposedly gave one other girl a bizzarrely huge boost of energy that lasted throughout the day), and yet I find myself without even the most minute change in my mood or energy. Do I just have a super-human resistance to drugs? I'm starting to think that maybe there's nothing wrong with me at all, and I'm just reacting normally to the situation I'm in. I mean you screw up and you get really depressed, right? You see no way to fix things and that makes you feel worse. What's irrational about how I feel? But then, there's the incessant thinking about killing myself thing and I guess that's pretty abnormal. Regardless of why I'm not being affected by either of the things I'm taking, it's starting to seem like medication might just not be the answer.

Confidentially, I'm under the slightest impression that I'm going to win the lottery. I don't really believe in jinxing, but if I do happen to be wrong about this I would prefer for as few people as possible to know my folly. I guess I'm just the sort of person who depends on outside forces (in this case random and inexplicable good fortune) to bail him out, rather than simply dealing with things by one's self via elbow grease and spit. Lame.

I forgot to close my IE window and my mom saw my Suicide Girls profile page and the little "Favorite Suicide Girls" boxes (which contain headshots of my favorite suicide girls) when she went on the computer. She asked me about it, and from our discussion I learned that she thinks "those kind of girls" are evil, and worries that they might be telling me bad things. It was only my profile page, so she didn't even know that they get naked too. Sometimes I give her too much credit. Of course, if she had only looked at the text underneath the pretty women, she would've seen my journal entry and gotten an unprecedented (for her) glimpse into my oh so deep emotions. I guess that would've been even more awkward.

Of course I foresee having a long discussion with her in the future, after she inevitably finds out that I'm most likely going to (or by then have) flunked out of school. I don't know how that's going to go, but similar situations from the times in High School when I got bad grades predict her screaming and crying. Hell, she might even crawl into a fetal position and fall into a near catatonic state again! Course, this time I won't be able to placate her by saying, "I promise to do better from now on."

Blah blah blah, I suck and being drunk would be a nice change of pace for me.