It's time for a new blog.
This past Saturday, my cousin Jennifer got married. I haven't seen her in years, but she's a sweet person. I decided to go. I got her some very pretty ceramic vases and created a beautiful watercolor card with kissing doves. I got dressed up as much as I could dress up and still be able to wrangle my children. John didn't want to go, but I dragged him along anyway. We drove to Gainesville. Before getting there, my brand new shirt I'd bought especially for the occasion fell literally apart as I sat brushing my daughter's hair, so I had to go for something else....which was far less dressy. My daughters' dresses started coming undone in the car trip, so they looked like ragamuffins. What ticks me off is that I actually spent a pretty penny on these clothes only days before. But, when we got there not only did we look hoboish, but everyone else was dressed in very classy black clothes. I already felt so out of place. I went to this beautiful wedding, which cost her family at least 10 Grand and remembered how I'd had to budget my own wedding on about $2,000. I bought the least expensive dress I could find. I looked for bargains everywhere. We made our own invitations. I made all of the floral arrangements and put together all of the decorations myself. Jennifer had a wedding coordinator take care of everything. Jennifer has recently obtained her MBA in Madison, Wisconsin. She flunked out of her first year of college, because she was doing a lot of Sorority type partying. But, a year or two later, one of her grandmothers died (a grandmother she hardly knew) and left her $30,000. So, she got to go back to college and make something out of herself. She's always been gorgeous. In fact, we've always described her as a Cindy Crawford/Natalie Portman hybrid. Anywhere she walks, guys just fall all over themselves drooling. But, she's not conceited about it. Because, she's not very shallow. She's amazingly intelligent and down to Earth.
Basically, I'm trying to say that Jennifer is almost perfect. I only say almost, because I haven't seen her walk on water yet. And, she's led a very charmed life. And, everytime I see her, I'm reminded about how little I've done with my own life and my very obvious shortcomings. Everyone always fawns over how pretty Jennifer is, but in their own words I am "dowdy." She is smart and successful. Maybe I should just stick to being a housewife, even though I'm an obvious failure at being a housewife. She gets help and money for her wedding. My mother was berated for buying my $200 wedding gown. Jennifer's family had a place of honor at my wedding. My family was asked to sit at a table in the back, alone, far away from everyone. I'm still reeling from how horrible this wedding made me feel about myself. I'm still angry that my children were looked upon as spoiled brats, because my autistic daughter tends to wig out in crowds of unfamiliar people.
Even in my home, I can't escape this constant comparison to others. I have a hard time walking around with heels, because I'm a mom and don't wear heels as much as I used to so that I can chase after children and lug stuff around. So, when I do wear them for extended periods of time my feet hurt. So, I complain to my husband and say I want to sit for a minute, because I think I feel a blister forming. His response "Why do you have such a problem with heels? Strippers wear much more difficult heels everyday. They even dance in them." And he wonders why I was so sore with him that day.
I'm this close to just giving up on the whole human race. Yes, I'm not perfect! Yes, I'm filled with fucking flaws! I could lose some weight. I never finished college. My artwork doesn't get rave reviews like the pieces of crap made by people with connections get. My house is a mess. My children aren't boring little kids that sit down and stay quiet. My feet get blisters when I wear high heels and walk around the mall for a couple of hours. But, you know what, at least I don't think I'm better than everyone else.
This past Saturday, my cousin Jennifer got married. I haven't seen her in years, but she's a sweet person. I decided to go. I got her some very pretty ceramic vases and created a beautiful watercolor card with kissing doves. I got dressed up as much as I could dress up and still be able to wrangle my children. John didn't want to go, but I dragged him along anyway. We drove to Gainesville. Before getting there, my brand new shirt I'd bought especially for the occasion fell literally apart as I sat brushing my daughter's hair, so I had to go for something else....which was far less dressy. My daughters' dresses started coming undone in the car trip, so they looked like ragamuffins. What ticks me off is that I actually spent a pretty penny on these clothes only days before. But, when we got there not only did we look hoboish, but everyone else was dressed in very classy black clothes. I already felt so out of place. I went to this beautiful wedding, which cost her family at least 10 Grand and remembered how I'd had to budget my own wedding on about $2,000. I bought the least expensive dress I could find. I looked for bargains everywhere. We made our own invitations. I made all of the floral arrangements and put together all of the decorations myself. Jennifer had a wedding coordinator take care of everything. Jennifer has recently obtained her MBA in Madison, Wisconsin. She flunked out of her first year of college, because she was doing a lot of Sorority type partying. But, a year or two later, one of her grandmothers died (a grandmother she hardly knew) and left her $30,000. So, she got to go back to college and make something out of herself. She's always been gorgeous. In fact, we've always described her as a Cindy Crawford/Natalie Portman hybrid. Anywhere she walks, guys just fall all over themselves drooling. But, she's not conceited about it. Because, she's not very shallow. She's amazingly intelligent and down to Earth.
Basically, I'm trying to say that Jennifer is almost perfect. I only say almost, because I haven't seen her walk on water yet. And, she's led a very charmed life. And, everytime I see her, I'm reminded about how little I've done with my own life and my very obvious shortcomings. Everyone always fawns over how pretty Jennifer is, but in their own words I am "dowdy." She is smart and successful. Maybe I should just stick to being a housewife, even though I'm an obvious failure at being a housewife. She gets help and money for her wedding. My mother was berated for buying my $200 wedding gown. Jennifer's family had a place of honor at my wedding. My family was asked to sit at a table in the back, alone, far away from everyone. I'm still reeling from how horrible this wedding made me feel about myself. I'm still angry that my children were looked upon as spoiled brats, because my autistic daughter tends to wig out in crowds of unfamiliar people.
Even in my home, I can't escape this constant comparison to others. I have a hard time walking around with heels, because I'm a mom and don't wear heels as much as I used to so that I can chase after children and lug stuff around. So, when I do wear them for extended periods of time my feet hurt. So, I complain to my husband and say I want to sit for a minute, because I think I feel a blister forming. His response "Why do you have such a problem with heels? Strippers wear much more difficult heels everyday. They even dance in them." And he wonders why I was so sore with him that day.
I'm this close to just giving up on the whole human race. Yes, I'm not perfect! Yes, I'm filled with fucking flaws! I could lose some weight. I never finished college. My artwork doesn't get rave reviews like the pieces of crap made by people with connections get. My house is a mess. My children aren't boring little kids that sit down and stay quiet. My feet get blisters when I wear high heels and walk around the mall for a couple of hours. But, you know what, at least I don't think I'm better than everyone else.
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dog.
the.
fucking.
BOUNTY HUNTER.
he's a douche, but i'll be damned if he isn't entertaining.