Okay, third old ass blog I'm sharing today and I'm done.
There is something that I'm more afraid of than anything else. To me it is more terrifying than double jointed freaks and Richard Simmons. Yes, it's even more petrifying to me than having to call for a pizza delivery. There is one thing that I can call my biggest phobia and that would be cockroaches. I don't even want to see them on TV. I had a hard time not puking during "Metamorphisis" by Franz Kafka. They're not just gross. They give me panic attacks.
So, I was cleaning up the apartment this morning. Not a really big job. I just wanted to pick up clutter, wipe up the kitchen, and throw away in random trash I come upon. So, no, this wasn't caused because I'm a huge slob. I live in Florida. Cockroaches own this state. You might think it's your home, but the cockroaches are only allowing you to live there because you'll provide more garbage for them to feast on. Anyway, I was completely done and had just settled down to watch the boob tube. Penelope was playing with her letter magnets. Madeleine was sitting in our bowl-like black chairs that should really belong in a dorm room, looking at guitar music sheets. She's three. Guess which of my kids is the weird one. Anyway, I noticed something flicker behind the entertainment center.
"Oh no." I thought.
I went to the entertainment center and took a peek behind it. Sure enough, there was a gigantic cockroach. I mean this sucker was probably cousins with a palmetto bug. He was gigantic. Well, I looked for the Raid. That took forever. Why isn't the Raid ever somewhere I would logically look while panicking over a cockroach? I come back and I have no idea where the cockroach has gone. You might think I went "phew" and relaxed, but no. This freaks me out, because I know he's still around and is probably planning his attack. He's seen me. He knows I'm trouble. Suddenly, there he is! Behind the Little People Castle that Madeleine got for her birthday. I was enraged that he would defile my adorable little girls sacred possesion like that. So, I sprayed him long and I sprayed him good.
"Take that you Bastard!" I told him.
He didn't even stagger. He scuttled away like a hobo man on crack. If you've seen one dash across a major road with on coming traffic, you know exactly what this cockroach was doing. After my shock over the Raid not working wore off, I noticed where he was headed. He was going for Madeleine. He could see she was distracted. He knew she was an easy targeted.
"Nooooooooooo!" I yelled and in a moment of sheer bravery. I decided it was time to pummel him to death. I had nothing to throw and, besides, I have lousy aim. So, I took the can of Raid and repeatedly bashed him with it. His little guts finally leaked out the side and I knew it was okay to get out the dust pan and deliver him into the trash can.
Yes, I was a little bit disheveled. My heart was pounding. I called my boyfriend to cry. But, eventually, I got over it. Life went on. I forgot all about him. This is where things get really bizarre.
John came home from visiting his mother. I was fixing the girls PB&J sandwiches. He wandered in the kitchen to join me and opened up our pantry, which is where we also keep our trash can.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" I hear him scream, "There's a fucking cockroach on top of the trash!"
I immediately looked and saw him. It was the same one. I could tell, because he looked just as flattened as he did after I attacked him. Only, he seemed rather lively and quite content. He was enjoying the trash can.
"Holy shit!" I shrieked, "He's back from the dead!"
"What do you mean?" John asks.
"I mean I killed just over an hour ago! I mean that he was DEAD the last time I saw him. His guts were squished out and everything!"
The cockroach looked angry now, if you can imagine a cockroach looking angry. He started to approach us.
"Step on it!" John screamed.
"I'm barefoot!" I yelled back.
"I'll be back!" John said and ran off, leaving me with the zombie roach.
He came back with my favorite sandal. I wasn't too happy about his choice, but I was pretty eager to just kill this thing. He threw the sandal down and the cockroach bit it....again.
"I'll just shovel him back into the trash." John says.
"Oh no you don't! We're flushing that evil thing! He'll just come back to life again in the trash can!" I said.
So, John flushed him and now we are finally rid of the zombie roach.
Or are we?
There is something that I'm more afraid of than anything else. To me it is more terrifying than double jointed freaks and Richard Simmons. Yes, it's even more petrifying to me than having to call for a pizza delivery. There is one thing that I can call my biggest phobia and that would be cockroaches. I don't even want to see them on TV. I had a hard time not puking during "Metamorphisis" by Franz Kafka. They're not just gross. They give me panic attacks.
So, I was cleaning up the apartment this morning. Not a really big job. I just wanted to pick up clutter, wipe up the kitchen, and throw away in random trash I come upon. So, no, this wasn't caused because I'm a huge slob. I live in Florida. Cockroaches own this state. You might think it's your home, but the cockroaches are only allowing you to live there because you'll provide more garbage for them to feast on. Anyway, I was completely done and had just settled down to watch the boob tube. Penelope was playing with her letter magnets. Madeleine was sitting in our bowl-like black chairs that should really belong in a dorm room, looking at guitar music sheets. She's three. Guess which of my kids is the weird one. Anyway, I noticed something flicker behind the entertainment center.
"Oh no." I thought.
I went to the entertainment center and took a peek behind it. Sure enough, there was a gigantic cockroach. I mean this sucker was probably cousins with a palmetto bug. He was gigantic. Well, I looked for the Raid. That took forever. Why isn't the Raid ever somewhere I would logically look while panicking over a cockroach? I come back and I have no idea where the cockroach has gone. You might think I went "phew" and relaxed, but no. This freaks me out, because I know he's still around and is probably planning his attack. He's seen me. He knows I'm trouble. Suddenly, there he is! Behind the Little People Castle that Madeleine got for her birthday. I was enraged that he would defile my adorable little girls sacred possesion like that. So, I sprayed him long and I sprayed him good.
"Take that you Bastard!" I told him.
He didn't even stagger. He scuttled away like a hobo man on crack. If you've seen one dash across a major road with on coming traffic, you know exactly what this cockroach was doing. After my shock over the Raid not working wore off, I noticed where he was headed. He was going for Madeleine. He could see she was distracted. He knew she was an easy targeted.
"Nooooooooooo!" I yelled and in a moment of sheer bravery. I decided it was time to pummel him to death. I had nothing to throw and, besides, I have lousy aim. So, I took the can of Raid and repeatedly bashed him with it. His little guts finally leaked out the side and I knew it was okay to get out the dust pan and deliver him into the trash can.
Yes, I was a little bit disheveled. My heart was pounding. I called my boyfriend to cry. But, eventually, I got over it. Life went on. I forgot all about him. This is where things get really bizarre.
John came home from visiting his mother. I was fixing the girls PB&J sandwiches. He wandered in the kitchen to join me and opened up our pantry, which is where we also keep our trash can.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" I hear him scream, "There's a fucking cockroach on top of the trash!"
I immediately looked and saw him. It was the same one. I could tell, because he looked just as flattened as he did after I attacked him. Only, he seemed rather lively and quite content. He was enjoying the trash can.
"Holy shit!" I shrieked, "He's back from the dead!"
"What do you mean?" John asks.
"I mean I killed just over an hour ago! I mean that he was DEAD the last time I saw him. His guts were squished out and everything!"
The cockroach looked angry now, if you can imagine a cockroach looking angry. He started to approach us.
"Step on it!" John screamed.
"I'm barefoot!" I yelled back.
"I'll be back!" John said and ran off, leaving me with the zombie roach.
He came back with my favorite sandal. I wasn't too happy about his choice, but I was pretty eager to just kill this thing. He threw the sandal down and the cockroach bit it....again.
"I'll just shovel him back into the trash." John says.
"Oh no you don't! We're flushing that evil thing! He'll just come back to life again in the trash can!" I said.
So, John flushed him and now we are finally rid of the zombie roach.
Or are we?
worst bugs ever!