retsin

in my dreams life is much simpler. not even dreams that i create when i am asleep, but the ones i imagine when i walk thru the days. not quite awake, but feeling and aware. i'm not even sure of things anymore. the people i like, the ones i secretly despise, who i appreciate and who i hate being around. part of me wonders which of my feelings are valid and which ones are interpretaions of situations. i am in love with the idea not of tomorrow but the day after. constantly that is my state. a hope for what comes after and after that. i am in a prepetual state of waiting , longing and wodering what comes next. i wish that next would just come now and erase this static. i am in need of something but am too afarid to admit it to myself, to the world, to anything. i am unsure of what that things is, and worry that walking through the motions of figuring it out will air of truths i'm not ready to see materialize. there is safety in imagination, and so much danger in hearing me mouth the words. i need action without movement, and understanding without words. i have an endless letter to myself outlining the things retsin needs. in my head being in bed for three days while being held by a faceless body is the answer. in my head understanding knocks on my door with a smile and tells me everything will be alright. when i shut my eyes the world moves in a perfectly unplanned manner that makes the sunshine brighter and the cold not hurt so much. there is coffee and tea and fresh milk. there is cuddling and smiling, and everything is a shade of something i have not seen in a long time. but alas, that is not reality but some scenerio i have created. they are these complicated things, feelings, that can bring you to your feet dancing around a room one second, and leave you crying in bed the next.


go and give twwly some loving......