I am getting fed up. I shouldn't try so hard or want so much. I am still in love with my ex, and there is this girl I work with who I started to tell what happened between him and I while I was at work today. I choked up, and couldn't even finish. I stopped myself mid-sentenced and said I'm sorry, but I can't talk about this anymore. I still feel really awful for what I did to him. I still miss him. I still love him, and feel that nobody in the world can compare to him. I feel like nobody in the world is ever going to make me feel the way he did. I am just this lost, and closed off person. I am closed off from just about everyone.
I was thinking while I was at work today. It took me 19 years of being on earth for me to really be in love. I always liked him though. Ever since I was 15. I really miss him. It isn't about being lonely because I can find anyone and fuck them if I wanted to. It isn't about that. He was the only person who really made me feel alive, and now I lost that. I feel so bad for everything I have done. I lost people from my life who are very important. Some days are better than others, but those people will never be forgotten. I still think about them everyday.
I cannot think about them without feeling anything. I cannot talk to others about them because I am affraid of being close to those people, and then losing them, and then feeling the pain all over again. I don't have any true friends. I should go back to therapy or something because I am so damn empty. I am happy with myself in everyday life, but I am very angry with myself for the things I have done to lose the ones in my life I have loved the most. I hope this feeling goes away. I can't believe I still feel so much after so long. Somedays come along and I feel as though everything happened yesterday. I never stop thinking about him. I never stop thinking about what happened. I have this secret wanting, that nobody knows about but me. I spend alot of my free time in solitude, so I don't have to talk about what consumes me so much.
I was thinking while I was at work today. It took me 19 years of being on earth for me to really be in love. I always liked him though. Ever since I was 15. I really miss him. It isn't about being lonely because I can find anyone and fuck them if I wanted to. It isn't about that. He was the only person who really made me feel alive, and now I lost that. I feel so bad for everything I have done. I lost people from my life who are very important. Some days are better than others, but those people will never be forgotten. I still think about them everyday.
I cannot think about them without feeling anything. I cannot talk to others about them because I am affraid of being close to those people, and then losing them, and then feeling the pain all over again. I don't have any true friends. I should go back to therapy or something because I am so damn empty. I am happy with myself in everyday life, but I am very angry with myself for the things I have done to lose the ones in my life I have loved the most. I hope this feeling goes away. I can't believe I still feel so much after so long. Somedays come along and I feel as though everything happened yesterday. I never stop thinking about him. I never stop thinking about what happened. I have this secret wanting, that nobody knows about but me. I spend alot of my free time in solitude, so I don't have to talk about what consumes me so much.
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also, i don't want to be mean but can you not text message me? they charge me money every time i get a text. im gonna go yell at them about it cuz i think it's a bullshit deal. i mean if there is no way to turn off receiving texts how can they charge me to recieve? grrr.
have fun on your date though. i hope it goes well.