remuemenage

i wish you were there too.

Hey, I've had to work most weekends and nights this month, and it doesn't look like bosslady will give me time off to go on family vacation with my family. DAMN. Work can be so invasive. It isn't just the time per se; it is that because of the time I don't even feel like myself. I'm tongue-tied. I have some roaringly funny ideas for entries. But can't get them up. Don't give up on me.

i finished the challenge. added something yellow to my blog. not a photo, but a scan of some art i've just done. hope you are doing well. i'm always starting to wonder when I don't see you around for a while.

Yes, I put up James's remark because it was apropos. He's just flirting with me, though, as he does everyone. I just loved that line--your big vocabulary and your Versace eyewear. So funny. I love to collect beautiful little things people say, especially when they are so spontaneous.

Earlier in the year, I had decided, on the basis of two discussions--one with my sister, and one with a male friend of 24 years--that the reason people quit speaking to me, including a couple of people here, was jealousy. This was the word brought up by both my sister and my friend Ira. Of course, intimidation works about as well, and is somewhat related--or can be. A feeling of not measuring up.

I have to go help my son finish his analysis of "Be Yourself." Due tomorrow.

I don't know which site will end up my long-term home. I wish Sunfeather would be more regular about writing. We could start building a new community: our own.

Night, night.

I meant the book, V for Vendetta. The movie, while good, pales in comparison. There are a ton of V alliterations which ur piece reminded me of. U really should read it .

I agree with u on both points. I do hope the Democrats will sieze the opertunity, and after the election they did seem to regain some confidence. I recall thinking "the Democrats actually have **positions** on stuff!!" lol. But they have been so apathetic (like the rest of the intelligent people in this country) that Im worried that they wont affect any real change. Also, I think global warming being treated like an issuies of national securty would be good, but I dont think that will happen until the situation gets much worse. This is a case where I think it has to get worse before it gets better. The general populace has to know that there really is a serious problem and not think the democrats are chasing shadows, otherwise they wont stay in power and not only will global warming not be dealed with, but many other important issues could be thwarted.

~A

I love the word "madfabulous".......Mad Fab!!

(Although today, more mad than fab, I'm afraid. Trying to wash it away with xanax & diet coke.)

I don't ask it of you. I never did. Nor am I seeking or giving therapy.

My son has to analyze a song for middle school. He chose Audioslave's "Be Yourself." "To be yourself is all that you can do." That is true for you, and that is true for me. In my blogs I show what it means to be me. That's all. I don't ask. Kenyon made this fatal mistake. She imagined I was dropping innuendos for her in my blog entries. That was the beginning of her misunderstanding, and you know how it ended: she lost all faith in me and cut me. Playing at the knife's edge of honesty isn't child's play, I realize. It isn't for everyone. Noneless, to be myself is all that I can do. How people react is, I guess, all that they can do. So, we watch what happens. If I feel beseiged unjustly again, I can always leave again. I have quiet blank pages in a notebook somewhere in real life, I think.

As for feeling any wiser about you, or thinking ill of you for knowing you have a physical ailment that isn't your fault or your doing--I do not believe it is possible to learn less. So, yes, I learned more. We are always moving toward more, so long as we are engaged, appreciate, and are open. Anyone who graces me with his best words, most delicate intelligences, and love of poetry as you have will not easily find me shaken from my loyalty to him. If you want a break with me, it will have to come from you. I have no quarrel whatsoever with you in this life.

Heard from Sunfeather (pm). You know he's "left," right? Do you hear from him? He's trying to stay sober and is pretty miserable. It makes me sad to hear him sound so desperate. He's not amenable to advice at this stage, though, so all I can do is be supportive in a quiet way.

I apologize. I didn't exactly "request" the enumeration you describe, though. If you recall, I was simply saying that type of confessional writing seems to work for some other people, like my friend Stompbox. Certainly, we can let it drop. I'm sick myself, but I seem to have a hard time dealing with other sick people. Often they just can't talk about it. I guess I understand that. When I'm doing pretty well I hate to think about my attacks. I think I even somehow sometimes bring them on by thinking about them. But talking . . . I guess sometimes I'm looking for comraderie in illness, so that is different for me from thinking about it all alone. Talking feels like support to me. So, you've given me a lot of information I have to digest. We can tiptoe around this, but forgive me if sometimes I tread where I shouldn't. You know what happened with me and k: same thing.

Sunfeather does seem to cultivate misery to me, too. I hate to say that about him, and he would no doubt be mad about my saying so. He doesn't want advice or even reports of experience because it is as though I'm "managing" his depression, and he feels "beseiged" by my concerns. I have had mucho experience with alcoholics, including my own father, who drank himself to death by my age. Alcoholics have a personality set: charming but stubbornly refusing to solve their problems. They are like babies, wanting attention. I love Sunfeather to death, too--his charm is disarming--but he is lumped in my mind and almost heart with my inflated dope of a soul sucker ex bf.

Have you seen the old series Brideshead Revisted, by Evelyn Waugh. It is the damned truth about alcoholics. Right on. Worth renting if you do movies.

Be well.

I will be travelling with my husband this year. We will be going to MA USA to stay with Saveme for a month from beginning of june to beginning of july. I look forward to that. Hopefully you are not too far away for us to see you as well.

and love and health to you. i hope 2007 started great and will let hope for more.

Wow! What a testimonial! Thank you. You really have a talent for writing them, but then that's no wonder, considering how well you pen your other little darling gems.

goddammit! i still haven't figured out how to do picture posts on this new mac! see how everybody suffers because of this?

i am not sure if i found one. sometimes yes, sometimes no. probably not. sigh. it is not easy to commit myself to someone. i am already so commited to my daughter. i love her to pieces and the connection between us is pure magic. i can't quite describe it.

dude who is that "Araki" girl you posted in the albums?

good to see you here. i missed you.

I like local radio, particularly at night...and particularly in rural areas. It's fabulous.

We are friends now.

I like the laocal radio because of the appalling DJ's and the old dears that phone in to chat them up. It's just fabulous.