redpants

I feel introspective and have the urge, need to write whatever comes to mind.
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When I was a child I would dream big.
As an adult, I've forgotten how.
I look at who I am now and miss who I was.
Somewhere, deep, buried inside my emotional casket,
Surrounded by an impregnable wall,
My dreams still exist.

And I feel them, now, wanting to live again.

I am the nervous little boy
Awkward with clamy hands
That just discovered he has the potential
To love some nervous little girl.

I am the teen in school
Dreaming of my first kiss
Hoping it could be with her
Too scared to share my dream with any other

I am the young student
Who writes poems and secrets away love notes
Intended for a woman he has not yet met
Who dreams of being loved, and already loves her

I am the embittered adult
Whose heart has hardened by the rawness of too much pain
Who no longer feels nervous, because it shows vulnerability
Who no longer dreams of a special kiss, because they've already been stolen
Who no longer believes she exists

Somewhere, inside, the boy, the teen, and student still play.
And today, they fill me with longing.
They long for the adult to tear down their imprisoned wall.

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It's been 11 years since I last wrote a love note intended for whoever the mysterious love of my life was to be. It's been 9 years since I last wrote a love poem to her -- my heart filled with joy at the thought of completely giving myself to another and knowing that she loved me fully in spite of myself.

I think it's time I start to dream agian, and hope. It's time I start to write again with her in mind. It's time I start to tear down those walls and once again embrace my hidden romantic -- and not be embarassed to be the guy that wants big love more than casual relationships and sex.

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To her: For as long as I remember, I've dreamt of holding you; of conveying - everything - as we sit side by side with you in my arms. I've ignored that longing for too long.

I have always loved you, and I always will. I'm sorry that I've wasted those words on others. I was blind, and thought they were you in my darkness.