PMS:
what do you think and why? do you ever want to make it stop, too? do you implore the powers of drugs? sex? rock&roll? maybe you are the type to hole up in your room with a scrap of rose-colored glass that you found walking home from school in sixth grade...you sit in the middle of your bedroom floor with the shard grasped in your hand. cross-legged on the rug that your cat pissed on once. but youre not thinking about that. you are thinking of the sweet sting radiating outward from the small cut that youve made in your thigh. that tiny crimson swell of blood clears your head. maybe you shouldnt do this any more. maybe you shouldnt for your mothers sake. she wouldnt like this behavior and you know it. but as the mother she doesnt understand and this is precisely why you will never have children. you fear more than anything else the responsiblity of creating another life who wonders the same things that you do. but you really arent thinking this. its me.
i am plainjane. i am the product of an x and an x. female in form. but what is the mind? sometimes i kiss boys, sometimes girls. i want what i dont have. i need attention at all times, but please dont look at me too close. i dont believe in optimism, true love, or religion. but i love this life. waking up every morning. dawn is a gift that i enjoy as often as i can. its the social obligations of this life that i despise. fuck you and what you want me to do. fuck convention. fuck the norms. let them go. they only tie you down. do nothing if thats what you want, but expect nothing in return. why do we talk down about nothing? i happen to find the idea of nothing very comforting. close your eyes. i see nothing as white, tranquil, quiet. open your eyes. you see something. and this something causes chemical reactions in your brain, these reactions trigger an emotion, a thought, a pain, a nervous twitch, a memory, a pleasure...but right now id rather feel nothing.
what am i doing with my life? why am i at the point that i am at? how did i get here? 18 years old almost 19. so embaressingly young and stupid. deeply attached and very much in love and loved, well on my way to dropping out of school, desperately pessimistic about my professional future -or lack there of, seeking full time employment half-heartedly, in need of shedding ten pounds, homeless in a matter of months. like Peaches said: fuck the pain away. i think this is what ive been doing since i was 15 and its gotten me here. im a little slutty, a little crazy, fairly smart, kind, oddly attractive. this is the voice of me, this is the voice of a spoiled american with white girl problems, this is the voice of a movement, but not really. this is the voice of one minute speck of shit on the globe that is earth. shake it up and watch the white snow fall. we live in retch. retch that can be equally cruel and beautiful. would we want it any other way? could it be any other way? what did o. wells, a. huxley, m. atwood, t. moore, and the rest teach us with their literary, fantasy-warnings? well, what? 2012CE. the Maya knew their shit. im hoping for a change. i welcome apocalypse, armageddon, awakening...anything.
what is a question and how is it different than a statement. i dont know about you but they often both leave me puzzled. more often i know the answer when posed with a question, but am left clueless and confused when given a stament to process. little brain waves always in action. what does this even mean? how can we comprehend that which is so infintesimal it requires astronomically expensive lab equiptment that 99% of the global population will never lay their hands on. what if they are lying to us? these micro biologists, quantum physicists, biochemists, on and on? up is downtown and down is up the staircase. fuck the wave and the particle, fuck the early bird and his unfortunate worm, fuck the fried chicken and the robins egg. who came first, you or me, baby? they say the sky is blue? why does it seem so grey lately. clouds are the poison that spews from peoples actions, man is the result of sea monkeys gone apeshit, and that thing know as democracy is nothing more than a colony of sheep diving over the cliff and into the sea, one after the other, complacent and blissfull...fuck evolution and fuck creationism -oh im sorry intelligent design. what a load of shit. i take it back, dont fuck evolution. its all we have to hope for. but maybe we should have stayed monkeys. no army tanks, ashlee simpsons (what a dunce), canned spam, land fills, tele-evangelists, smog, suicide bombers, george Ws... but also no cinema, music, art, lingerie, falafel, albert einsteins, bathroom wall grafitti, smooth peanut butter, hello kitty, apple computers, nina simones...i love living. then how come it hurts so bad. give me back my shard of glass... fuck the drama.
fuck their laws, fuck their institutions, fuck their borders, fuck their imperialistic banks, their wars, their words, their ballots and polls, their media....
everything is an illusion
love is the only reality
amen and hallelujah
what do you think and why? do you ever want to make it stop, too? do you implore the powers of drugs? sex? rock&roll? maybe you are the type to hole up in your room with a scrap of rose-colored glass that you found walking home from school in sixth grade...you sit in the middle of your bedroom floor with the shard grasped in your hand. cross-legged on the rug that your cat pissed on once. but youre not thinking about that. you are thinking of the sweet sting radiating outward from the small cut that youve made in your thigh. that tiny crimson swell of blood clears your head. maybe you shouldnt do this any more. maybe you shouldnt for your mothers sake. she wouldnt like this behavior and you know it. but as the mother she doesnt understand and this is precisely why you will never have children. you fear more than anything else the responsiblity of creating another life who wonders the same things that you do. but you really arent thinking this. its me.
i am plainjane. i am the product of an x and an x. female in form. but what is the mind? sometimes i kiss boys, sometimes girls. i want what i dont have. i need attention at all times, but please dont look at me too close. i dont believe in optimism, true love, or religion. but i love this life. waking up every morning. dawn is a gift that i enjoy as often as i can. its the social obligations of this life that i despise. fuck you and what you want me to do. fuck convention. fuck the norms. let them go. they only tie you down. do nothing if thats what you want, but expect nothing in return. why do we talk down about nothing? i happen to find the idea of nothing very comforting. close your eyes. i see nothing as white, tranquil, quiet. open your eyes. you see something. and this something causes chemical reactions in your brain, these reactions trigger an emotion, a thought, a pain, a nervous twitch, a memory, a pleasure...but right now id rather feel nothing.
what am i doing with my life? why am i at the point that i am at? how did i get here? 18 years old almost 19. so embaressingly young and stupid. deeply attached and very much in love and loved, well on my way to dropping out of school, desperately pessimistic about my professional future -or lack there of, seeking full time employment half-heartedly, in need of shedding ten pounds, homeless in a matter of months. like Peaches said: fuck the pain away. i think this is what ive been doing since i was 15 and its gotten me here. im a little slutty, a little crazy, fairly smart, kind, oddly attractive. this is the voice of me, this is the voice of a spoiled american with white girl problems, this is the voice of a movement, but not really. this is the voice of one minute speck of shit on the globe that is earth. shake it up and watch the white snow fall. we live in retch. retch that can be equally cruel and beautiful. would we want it any other way? could it be any other way? what did o. wells, a. huxley, m. atwood, t. moore, and the rest teach us with their literary, fantasy-warnings? well, what? 2012CE. the Maya knew their shit. im hoping for a change. i welcome apocalypse, armageddon, awakening...anything.
what is a question and how is it different than a statement. i dont know about you but they often both leave me puzzled. more often i know the answer when posed with a question, but am left clueless and confused when given a stament to process. little brain waves always in action. what does this even mean? how can we comprehend that which is so infintesimal it requires astronomically expensive lab equiptment that 99% of the global population will never lay their hands on. what if they are lying to us? these micro biologists, quantum physicists, biochemists, on and on? up is downtown and down is up the staircase. fuck the wave and the particle, fuck the early bird and his unfortunate worm, fuck the fried chicken and the robins egg. who came first, you or me, baby? they say the sky is blue? why does it seem so grey lately. clouds are the poison that spews from peoples actions, man is the result of sea monkeys gone apeshit, and that thing know as democracy is nothing more than a colony of sheep diving over the cliff and into the sea, one after the other, complacent and blissfull...fuck evolution and fuck creationism -oh im sorry intelligent design. what a load of shit. i take it back, dont fuck evolution. its all we have to hope for. but maybe we should have stayed monkeys. no army tanks, ashlee simpsons (what a dunce), canned spam, land fills, tele-evangelists, smog, suicide bombers, george Ws... but also no cinema, music, art, lingerie, falafel, albert einsteins, bathroom wall grafitti, smooth peanut butter, hello kitty, apple computers, nina simones...i love living. then how come it hurts so bad. give me back my shard of glass... fuck the drama.
fuck their laws, fuck their institutions, fuck their borders, fuck their imperialistic banks, their wars, their words, their ballots and polls, their media....
everything is an illusion
love is the only reality
amen and hallelujah
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ps: No mess.