recoveringmale

Broke down again last night. Go so lonely I just lost it. Worried about school and having a repeat of what happened last year, making the same mistakes. I looked through my phone book for people to call. Started cleaning my room (what else could I do?) and listening to music and just fucking lost it, hard.
When you're crying you want someone there, a shoulder, something. The calm afterwards, it's harder to talk about what was wrong. It seems people have to see you cry to believe that anything's wrong. Calmly relaying it after the fact isn't the same. Everything becomes fine and hunky dory again and we go on being isolated. I wish I could cry forever sometimes.
Finally I called Ken (my housemate) and we talked briefly. I guess talking about it to someone live helps, as I started bawling again on the phone.
But today I got up and put on a smile and no one is the wiser. Nothing is wrong.
I know not to worry about the school thing. But that's just part of it. I want someone here. No, I want friends. A few people I can be close to and relate to who will hold me when I cry, as I would do for them. That's all I've ever had, and it was always enough, but I've lost touch with the folks back home, and around here... I don't know. I feel like I've burnt a lot of bridges lately. Ken and I's honeymoon is over (read: time of bonding over being brokenhearted and lonely). It's only natural now that he's seeing someone. But now there's no one around. No relating to the Reed students. No more calling my family.
It just hurts.

I wrote a poem about it, but it's cheesy and emo, and that makes me want to puke.