Before I write anything else I just want to say a big thank you to everyone! I've really appreciated all your messages during this tough time and thanks to all those who got in touch. I'm sorry I can't get back to everyone individually at the moment but know that I am thankful to each and every one of you for your thoughts at this time.
I don't know if anyone will want to read this, I'm more writing it down for myself but hey.
On Saturday morning I woke to my mum screaming his name. Silly, I thought maybe something had happened to the cat and she was calling for him. I rushed up and ran to find out what was wrong. She was screaming his name at him loudly. As soon as I saw him i knew he was dead. We called an ambulance and they asked us to do CPR. We had to roll him over and it felt weird toucing him and moving him. His face was blue.
The paramedics came, the police came, the coroners came. My mum was in such terrible shock. We all were. I wasn't even supposed to be there. I was planning on going away on Friday night but last minute changed my plans. My mum said if I hadn't been there she probably would have killed herself when everyone had left. Making all those phonecalls and telling everyone over and over again was so horrible. Especially with all the questions. He was 35, he was healthy, very fit and active, happy, good job, good home life. It was so unexpected. The three of us watched a movie the night before and he went to bed like normal. So weird.
Because it was sudden death they had to do a post mortem for cause of death. It was inconclusive. they have taken tissue samples from his major organs, and fluid samples and stuff and the inquest has been open but the hearing won't be held until April/May. So long to wait and even then we might not know what happened. I had to go to the coroner to confirm the identity of the body and sign the forms. I am not looking forward to the inquest hearing.
Tomorrow I fly home to Northern Ireland, a place I hate going to at the best of times. Don't get me wrong there are places and people that I love in Northern Ireland and I think its a great place. Just for me it ties me to a lot of unhappiness in my life and it scares me to think I might ever end up back there. a lot of the mentaity of people ther eis they are happy being there and having their little life in their little town and they never have to leave. I don't think thers anything wrong with this, but for me this is a terrifying thought that that could be my future.
It's my mums birthday on Friday.
He is being buried on Saturday, on valentines day. Of all days.
I've started going through all the paperwork and there is so much to do I don't know how I'm ever going to get through it all. I know I will because I have to but I come back Tuesday night and I start my new job Wednesday morning. it's going to be an exhausting few weeks.
I don't know how much longer we have tis place for. Although I know there will be couches to sleep on and everything its terrifying to think I could very soon be homeless.
And I've spent every waking (and some sleping) moment worrying about my mum I haven't even had time to grieve and it feels weird. I'm already exhausted and run down and I feel and look like crap but I know I need to keep going and be strong for my mum.
I never want to find a dead body of a loved one ever again.
I might not have internet while I'm away so if I'm off the radar til Tuesday night thats why. Be in touch when I get back.
I don't know if anyone will want to read this, I'm more writing it down for myself but hey.
On Saturday morning I woke to my mum screaming his name. Silly, I thought maybe something had happened to the cat and she was calling for him. I rushed up and ran to find out what was wrong. She was screaming his name at him loudly. As soon as I saw him i knew he was dead. We called an ambulance and they asked us to do CPR. We had to roll him over and it felt weird toucing him and moving him. His face was blue.
The paramedics came, the police came, the coroners came. My mum was in such terrible shock. We all were. I wasn't even supposed to be there. I was planning on going away on Friday night but last minute changed my plans. My mum said if I hadn't been there she probably would have killed herself when everyone had left. Making all those phonecalls and telling everyone over and over again was so horrible. Especially with all the questions. He was 35, he was healthy, very fit and active, happy, good job, good home life. It was so unexpected. The three of us watched a movie the night before and he went to bed like normal. So weird.
Because it was sudden death they had to do a post mortem for cause of death. It was inconclusive. they have taken tissue samples from his major organs, and fluid samples and stuff and the inquest has been open but the hearing won't be held until April/May. So long to wait and even then we might not know what happened. I had to go to the coroner to confirm the identity of the body and sign the forms. I am not looking forward to the inquest hearing.
Tomorrow I fly home to Northern Ireland, a place I hate going to at the best of times. Don't get me wrong there are places and people that I love in Northern Ireland and I think its a great place. Just for me it ties me to a lot of unhappiness in my life and it scares me to think I might ever end up back there. a lot of the mentaity of people ther eis they are happy being there and having their little life in their little town and they never have to leave. I don't think thers anything wrong with this, but for me this is a terrifying thought that that could be my future.
It's my mums birthday on Friday.
He is being buried on Saturday, on valentines day. Of all days.
I've started going through all the paperwork and there is so much to do I don't know how I'm ever going to get through it all. I know I will because I have to but I come back Tuesday night and I start my new job Wednesday morning. it's going to be an exhausting few weeks.
I don't know how much longer we have tis place for. Although I know there will be couches to sleep on and everything its terrifying to think I could very soon be homeless.
And I've spent every waking (and some sleping) moment worrying about my mum I haven't even had time to grieve and it feels weird. I'm already exhausted and run down and I feel and look like crap but I know I need to keep going and be strong for my mum.
I never want to find a dead body of a loved one ever again.
I might not have internet while I'm away so if I'm off the radar til Tuesday night thats why. Be in touch when I get back.
VIEW 19 of 19 COMMENTS
hermes:
Woah, I'm so sorry *more hugs*
pacmanman:
Hugs from Calgary.