I mean, everyone has rough days, right? Especially lately, global pandemic and all, I shouldn't act like I'm the only one. This year was harder for me than I expected, and it tipped the scale. For the first time in years, a monster came back. A monster I thought I had scared out from under my bed long ago. One that had given me a quick reminder glimpse after having children, but quickly disappeared.
I have major depressive disorder. I struggled hard in high school. My parents weren't exactly mental health advocates, so nothing ever got diagnosed. But I did a lot of self harm and fantasized about death. I had a severe eating disorder where I only let myself eat 300 calories per day for an extremely long time. I don't really know what made it all stop when I moved out, maybe just the change of scenery, maybe getting to be on my own, I don't know. But I never got professional help.
It came back in 2020, with a vengeance. Luckily I have an attentive partner that saw my quick spiral and basically forced me into a doctor's office. I got prescribed antidepressants and antianxiety meds for the first time ever, and it felt odd. It didn't feel odd to fell better, but it felt odd to get help. Like, real help. And have someone who actually knew that I wasn't "being moody" and didn't try to tell me to just get over it. Then just a few weeks ago, I realized I was in a bad place again when I suddenly couldn't get out of bed. I quit taking pictures, didn't update any of my pages, I didn't check to see if my Hopeful set had been accepted (how many of you checked it like 274748 times the first time also?) I quit working out, I was annoyed with my children...
My meds got doubled. It still might not be in a permanent dosage, I haven't even been on them for 6 months. But the point is, I struggled for two whole weeks before I realized that for I didn't have to settle for being so unhappy. I finally have help at my disposal, and I didn't even realize I needed it until a couple friends gave me a hint. It makes me wonder how many others out there are just so used to being miserable, so used to just going through the motions and surviving because we've done it our whole lives, to maybe never realize there is possibly a better life waiting for us? Two tiny pills every day make me ENJOY MY LIFE. Like, truly enjoy everything.
Today was the third day in a row where I'm still ok. It's like someone took the sunglasses off, turned on the sun, and it's all a foggy bad dream. I blasted music and cleaned my house and enjoyed just being at home today. I am so lucky, and so grateful, to have found a medication that works for me. But I'm even more lucky that someone listened and made me get help.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're reading this and you know all too well what I'm describing and you haven't figured it out yet... Reach out. Maybe you don't need medicine but you need something, I promise you. Life can be enjoyable. Silly things should bring us joy. Maybe you just need a friend to vent to, and I'd be more than happy to be that friend. Maybe you need more and that's ok too! But just do it. Quit waiting for it to pass and make it pass. You deserve it.
