pixietom

Dammit. I ruined the checkered pattern I was going for.... Shows me to not come home so late or extremely early in the morn.
Today was a day... Filled with all the things that make it eventful.

I got new tires put on my car. Which was scary in a way cause I was driving around in snow with literally bald tires. Whats even better, is that... I seem to have driven to compensate for the bald tires without knowing it. Cause its about the same still. Guess, unlike so many I'm actually cautious in the snow and icy conditions.

Got out of the whole I'd seemingly been stuck in for two days straight. I beat my game Professor Layton and The Diabolical Box last night/early morn again, but I haven't finished it. Is that the proper way to say that...? I cried... It was funny.

Went to the bank, yada yada... Then I went to go visit some friends I hadn't seen in a while and well... was hurt a bit. Apparently, the two of them got with two other friends that I'm good friends with and had a slumber party sort of thing... I wasn't invited or even thought of.... Is it so wrong to just be wanted... or cared about. I'm beginning to feel like the odd man out, wait I've been feeling this way for some time. It bothers me enough to make me wanna cry.
One of said 'friends' I've been having problems with. Nothing that I need to go into and things seemed sort of weird with him. And then later on I found out he's kinda doing the same exact thing that he did to piss me off before... Not learning the lesson he supposedly just learned. Then he hung out with my fag Trevor (which made me feel like I might be replaced) and such and kinda did the same thing. Some people never learn but who am I to talk.

So I looked for an escape and waited for my fags Trevor and Robbie (they are married) to get off work. Then I just lied and left anyway... I logged onto Facebook on my phone and began talking to this guy I haven't seen since high school and he graduated like two years before me anyway. But I was talking to him about my feelings and my I guess situation and he told me something that literally made me pull over into the Starbucks parking lot and cry. All he said was 'you are amazing and truly incredible'... I don't hear that... ever. I never know what my worth really is because despite how I may act like I know I'm a million bucks... I feel as worthless as a broken penny..
I'm crying right now... So when I finally composed myself I went inside starbucks and got myself a chai... Which I guess I didn't do a good job of it cause the lady seemed worried about me and asked if I had a rough day.

Finally my gays were home and Robbie offered to make me tea but I was already good with my chai. We talked and I found out some stuff that I would have never guessed from my Trevor. Like I look into his past and such... I wonder how in the world he came out so...wonderful. How he rose above everything and went against the life he had.

Then in a texting conversation on facebook (still on my phone and at Trevor's) my friend got on me about complaining about being single. That I just need to man up and continue looking and that I have to actually appear to like a guy... I do actually try and every time I put my feelings out on the table they run. Every time I man up and say what I feel and ask for something more then friendship even if its just a tiny little thing... I get left in the cold. Then in other things. I'm just used and really never meant to spoke to again. When I look I find trouble for myself that leads to what...? Me crying in my room for a few days as I lie to my friends and say I'm oh -k-. Its always one sided. Always. Then don't ask me how I'm doing and then you complain to me about how you want sex and tell me to man up and actually try... Its been a roller coaster, but all and all. I don't feel good.
I'm tired of being the one with the strong facade when really I'm just crumbling bit by bit. Every thing I rebuild is just so broken down already it comes down even faster then before. I hate being two faced and unable to show that I'm just so fragile. No one sees this withering flower... for some reason they think the flower is fine and thriving on her own and needs no one. How wrong they are.

I'm home now and retiring to my bed.