pixietom

I have to warn you right now. Run from this blog. This is just me, getting some things off my chest. Just, if your gonna read it, read it in breaks, take your time. Get some tea and some water, and maybe a bagel, or a muffin.
Which ever you prefer.

Last night. I tossed and turned. Slept in complete disarray. When I woke up. I was refreshed and happy, but something is missing. As soon as something starts to go well in my life, other things start to crumble, and fall apart. This morning I woke up content and yet I was over powered with all these questions that I don't have answers to. I probably wont ever get the answers really. They are just one of the many things that will plague my mind, as everyone else has questions that plague them. But I'm at this point that happens almost every year, the time before my birthday when I want things resolved. This past year has thrown all around the room like a kid having a seizure in bouncy castle. (Is it bad that I laughed at that?) Been broken heart-ed, more than once without knowing what my heart was doing. Been ripped to shreds mentally, and forced to wear a facade to say I was oh -k-.because I hat the thought of people worrying about me. This past year I basically became a ghost in a living body. Here and yet not.

I am better now. Way better. 300% better. The friends in my life, don't even know about that part. I'm not gonna tell them, but whenever I get a random text that says 'how are you doing?' or something where they actually thought of me... I want to break down and cry. I know I have cheated myself from the good people in my life. From the good friends that aren't selfish bastards and from the people who could have lifted me up. But now that I'm seemingly finding them. It hurts. To know that this is what I've been missing. But at least I have it now. I'm finding it now. For those that I've picked back up. I realize that they are a good few. For those out of state, and some out of country, I wish we didn't have all the time zones and the miles between us. Because when you have such comforting things to say, and when you I read those words, via comment, or text or e-mail or note. I wonder what you sound like. I wonder if you would give me a hug or a pat on the back.
No matter how strong of a person I may seem like and how put together I am, and sometimes how much better I am than you... (yes I went there) I'm fragile. Now more than ever. I have trust issues like no other, and it didn't help that I was already un-trusting of people. My best friend Tommy took 2 years for me to allow myself to trust him. Even though I saw that he was going to be a better influence on me than any. But at the same time. I'm tired of helping people. I need stable people. Contradictory Statement About To Be Made: I have no problem helping those that need my help. I'm a Virgo, its in my. I try and fill the gaps for people. Cause I know what its like having gaps and cracks that never get filled and no one should go through that. The best sort of peace is mental peace. But I only want to help a certain few. Like those I have feelings for. I will try my best to move heaven and earth if it will just make them smile a genuine smile. for those that just take take take.... I cannot. I have problems too, and when I'm not putting them on hold for other people who I promised to help. They are my top priority. The people around me are top. Not me. So don't take advantage of the way I am, or else I will have at you. And when I do that I turn off all the limiters I set in place and the censors and go off. I don't mind ripping a person to shreds if they keep doing what they are doing.

I wouldn't be me, if I didn't constantly struggle with self esteem issues. Deep-deep down I know I'm something great, wonderful, loyal, trustworthy, and in a conceited way of thinking, perfect. But many people don't get to see that. They see the girl shut off, with the facade of blissfully unaware eyes. That's me. I hate facades. But I got so used to wearing them during high school. I never really stopped. Then after high school. I let down that wall. So to speak. I started doing what I wanted to do., even if it conflicted with something else. I used to model when I was 17 and 18... Then sometime after turning 18. I meet this gorgeous amazing women. With the prettiest tattoos I've ever seen. She was amazing I tell you. I spoke to her and her and her husband at the time were there for my first tattoo. He was getting his chest piece done, but he waited until I was done with mine to make sure I was happy with it. I stopped taking jobs, and well that's where it ended. I didn't know at the time, but I wasn't into this Barbie girl model figure. I'm already out of the norm being black, and people loved it. But getting a tattoo felt better than being on the catwalk. All eyes on me and what I was wearing, feeling the adrenaline rush wasn't as satisfying as getting a piece of art that would still be there after I showered. If I could model and have tattoos that would have been the perfect dream. ( I now know of alternative modeling) What i wouldn't give to be in front of a camera again. That was the only time I was ever comfortable with my body.
In that though... I've thought about it many times. Its my plague. In the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if my getting tattoo, gauging my ears and wanting piercings.... If that prevented me from finding the guy for me. You know what I mean. People are shallow. I'm becoming shallow again. If they don't like what they see they miss out on that chance. I wonder how many times I might have made them miss out on me. I don't show my tattoos often and its a blessing to you, if you ever get me naked to see them all. (not saying they are on naughty places) because as um-comfortable with my body as I have become because of things I can't really control like scars and marks... Tattoos are the one thing I can do. I can't really help it if I try and climb a tree and then fall out and I'm only wearing shorts. (That happened) So now modeling just feels so out of the question. Impossible a task. But have the choices I made prevented me, hindered me from getting the guy... or girl...? I don't know. If you don't understand my tattoos you wont get me. But what if the ink i have placed upon myself... well not me personally. I paid to get it there, but what if that. Stopped him or her from looking. Is that something that would turn them off. My skin is now marked. My ears are 'ugly' as some go to say. Piercings wouldn't make you look good. What if I loose future guys for this....? Oh well not my loss.. but it could be. Take it or leave it, is my motto for this. But Its something where I need to practice what I preach.

So now we go onto love... The biggest challenge. I've said it before... But I'm a Virgo and for Virgo's love is a challenge. What I want...? Is just a simple relationship. Wait no that's not simple at all. I want to skip dating and all that and just be myself. Be me, The only person I can be. Accept their faults, and just be myself and happy. That's all. i want them to be themselves. And I will accept it and hopefully they will accept me. But that's not what ever happens. There are complications after complications, hiding a fat brick wall that just says NO on it. But in order for me to let them go... I have to be able to say what I did wrong. I was once told by some poor excuse for a man (pun also included) that I never apologized for anything. I do, I always do, even when I'm not actually to be blamed. I apologize to much really.

Greg M: My first boyfriend, or rather the one I'll mention. You and I were from different sides of the tracks so to speak. You were the nerd I was the popular chick. The Track and Field All star and you sat on the bleachers next to Zach who was probably betting on me to win (no joke. With money betting) You were the one I never really saw coming. When you asked me out. I said yes... Then later changed my mind. Cause I'm stupid. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I was listening to peer pressure. But you, you forgave me. You still talked to me on the phone for hours. You were better than I deserved at that point. When you and your family moved. I was definitely lonely. But I remember when i was doing my junior year research project and my eyes meet with yours in the library and you were with a pretty girl and all i did was walk away.

Mark Y: my first love, the person I could talk to for hours about the stupidest crap and come out knowing that underneath it all we understood each other better. I was in high school, you were in college. The guy whose pale blue eyes I enjoyed the most. the person who I found out bought the last copy of an art book I wanted two days before I had the money. The first person I ever let hug me and I tried my best to pour all my feelings into it. Someone I didn't know much about, but I thought I knew enough. I wasn't grown enough. (matured) and you were in that way out of my league. I'm sorry, that I was the clingly stupid girl... I'm sorry for possibly smothering you, cause I know I hate being smothered. I shouldn't have done that to you. I'm sorry I was naive.

Tim E: the guy I should have been with. Three years with our lockers right next to each other. The first year I hated you, and the second, I liked you and the third... I didn't want to let go of you. We were going to different high schools. So it seemed like whatever could have happened wasn't going to. But we talked during the summer. You made me read my first Tom Clancy novel. 'Rainbow Six' I still have it. Then after high school I found you again and I still did nothing. Those long chats at Starbucks. You became something I wasn't expecting of you, but I liked it. Your the one that I will always wonder. I think we both will. I'm sorry that I never took that chance again. Cause my feelings never changed during the 5 years I never saw you from middle school. My first blond encounter.

Mark S: You weren't a love interest of mine, but you wanted me. Supposedly. All I have to say from all the fights and all the times I was left crying on my floor alone cause of what you had said and told me I was... I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you couldn't get better unless I was your prize for doing so. That you weren't what I wanted and I couldn't give up on what I wanted for you. I wish you would have just hit me instead... Mental abuse is so... Your a horrible person, who could actually be good. If you got the help you really need.

Tyler Y: For the longest time I wondered if I liked you because of your brother. No. You were your own person. You two were so different, with similarities that would make you take a double take. You were the first to make me play Rock Band, and despite Mark S. being there I had fun. I became uninhibited because of you in a way. I'm glad I meet you, but I know we wont ever be. It doesn't hurt to think that anymore...

Owen..: My mistake. My wake up call. I almost got involved with... bitch move buddy.

Tommy R: You're my best friend... an ex that has made that transition with me to this. But I don't want you to be mad at me. I know you want to protect me from hurt and pain that I get myself into... But this is something I have to do. You can't hold double standards now. Its not fair. Our dating relationship was unhealthy and now it seems like we might be going back to that without dating. Who I choose to sleep with is my deal, who you choose to date is yours. You dated a chick that tried to kill me (fact) and you still laugh about it. But now that I want a guy, for the good and the bad... You get mad. I love you but we both know that together we will hurt ourselves, and each other. You get possessive and I let you. you don't mean to, but you fear that I may leave you. I'm not gonna go anywhere unless you keep pushing me away. I'm sorry that this is how it has to be. But for our own safety. We've been through years and years together. You have seen me cry and you've seen me fall down and run into the window that one time (...fact) You mean more to me than anyone but do not make me choose. Cause you know I hate ultimatums... You know me better than myself almost. But let me be good for me. I'm sorry we aren't perfect for each other.

That's all my guys. Well the ones I want to mention. Others hold importance to but I don't want to... bring it up for fear that it might ruin things completely. The females in my life... Aren't important really. despite being a bi sexual. Only one has ruined me. I don't want to mention her, cause it still opens the wound on my heart. its healing. Why re-open it.

In being bi-sexual that means I am open to either a man or a women. Women though, have much more of battle to get me. I don't expect myself to end up with a female. I haven't told my parents I'm bisexual. I know my mom would try and see it but my dad would fuck up the moment. And I'd be pissed. I'm not really sure if a women has the capability to make me feel at peace, like a male. Maybe because I'm so shut off from women in the first place. I hate girls. Contradictory Statement But I mean it. I can't really stand girls. The ones I'm friends with are cool and amazing exception but I think its cause they feel the same way really. Sure my first time was with a female. Then the second time... and such. Huh...?

I know what I want in my life for me. I've become so jaded... Hahaha! not really but. I might as well. I've been smiling despite the hurt and the pain. My tears have air dried and I've washed my face of the thin lines they left behind. I'm happy here and now. Happier than I have been in a long long time. From concurring my alcohol problem and on... I have come up. Now that things are in the clear. Its almost abnormal that there isn't something going on. Well besides whats going on in my heart and mind.

I think that's all. I think I'm gonna go shower and work on my self portrait.... I've been wanting to draw.
Thank you for listening. I mean reading. I feel better. My rant/vent it over.
Any words you want to share would be wonderful, but you don't have to... (I'm lying when i say that)