pineapplefroot

I fear losing my identity.

Scratch that.

I fear not having an identity.

I have spent my adult life in relationships. I am not proud of that. I mean, technically I am not "in a relationship" at the moment, but I'm "hanging out" with someone and that is going to count for this purpose.

I think I have strong aversions, rather than strong desires. What's the difference? I have things I dislike, things I act and talk passionately against. I don't have many rallying causes that are supporting one purpose without decrying another.

In addition, I really have only one interest. I mean, sure, I am getting into riding my bike, and I enjoy hiking and board games, but really: my interest is child development and psychology, and the roles adults play in childrens' lives. It is most of what I think and talk and read about. I want to have varied projects and interests and activities, but I am singularly focused (really, singularly unfocused, but that is another blog).

I fear being interested in something simply because my partner is interested. I fear that I may not be able to tell whether I have a genuine interest. Of course, I really will try anything once. But if I continue because someone has introduced me to it, is it because I am interested in this thing, or the person?

Part of me wants to defend myself. No! I have opposed the positions of significant others before! But then I think about how I still talk to an ex boyfriend with great regularity, and am much more vocal about my oppositions now than I was when we were dating. Is that normal? I don't know, and don't really care... it doesn't seem right.

I suppose it all comes down to insecurity. I don't want to offend, and I really don't want to be wrong. I am pretty adaptable (I think) and can see a situation from all sides (unless I am directly involved. Then the world is black and white and I am always right.)

And of course, insecurity permeates many of my actions. I'm "hanging out" with this gent at the moment, and things are going swimmingly. He's married to his work for the foreseeable future, but I'm okay with going behind sciences' back for the occasional tryst. He doesn't give verbal affirmations of liking me, and we don't often occupy the same physical space for more than a couple of hours a week... if that. I understand that he gives me almost all of his free time, and appreciate it, but I really need touch or words to feel it, more than just intellectually know he likes me.

I am scared that I am too into the idea of being with someone, and not enough into the idea of being with him. Of course, I turned down a couple of men before him, so it's not as though I just jumped on the first almost-passable guy I saw.

I am also afraid that he won't like me when he sees my flaws. This is one of my worst traits. I will do everything in my power to hide the fact that I am human. This has occasionally included lying. Sure, I am very open about the fact that I used to self-injure, and I have been in psychiatric hospitals... but these are things from my past. I rarely admit that I have failed classes. I rarely admit that I have a low C average. I am bright! I should be able to do the school thing! I am ashamed.

I suppose this means I am already putting up a facade. Which brings me back to not having a real identity.

Sure, I have an idea of who and what I want to be. But do I need to be- should I be- on my own to realize this? At what point could I say, "Okay! Now I can be in a relationship!" or "Okay! Now I am a self-actualized person!"