I just accidentally deleted the vast majority of my mp3s. Much of which I didn't have on cd....
Promised an update a couple of days ago, but if you folks haven't learned, I'm not exactly Captain Punctual when it comes to this (but punctuality is actually a big pet peeve of mine. I'm always on time for appointments, and if you're late without letting me know, I'll stop a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry)
A lot has gone on in the nearly 2 months since I last posted, so I'll try to do this in a condensed form. The Reader's Digest of my life.
Spent some time in southern Cali with two of my best friends, courtesy of work. Had a big non-profit conference in San Diego, then spent a few extra days in the LBC. Had my Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles as always, and discovered the greatest restaurant of my eating career. The future, folks, is Brazilian churrascaria. You pay one price (about 20 dollars, even at lunch), and you get a buffet of Brazilian soups, salads and finger food. The real deal, though, is the waiters that constantly walk around the restaurant with giant skewers (swords, really) of meat. And not just your usual meats. Had quail, rabbit, all sorts of great things I usually don't find in a restaurant. There is a wooden cylinder at the table that is painted in the colors of a stoplight. Turn the cylinder to green when you want more meat, red when you need a break, and lay it down when your done (yellow gets the shaft, I guess). Top it off with a Xinghu Brazilian black lager, and you've got a food-induced orgasm.
So, Cali was fun. Only had a short time there, and most of it was dedicated to eating. Very nice just to see my friends, wouldn't have really cared what we were up to.
Also took a visit home to Louisiana and Mississippi for spring break. I was hoping for a fun, rejuvenating visit, but it was actually quite the downer. My grandfather (mom's dad) is getting quite old, and he's really starting to slip mentally (he slipped physically a while ago). I'll spare you the details of family bullshit, but the basics are that we had to call the police and force him into a nursing home, due to hallucinations and violent tendencies that are emerging. He was kicked out of the home after 2 days for the beating and attempted stabbing of his roommate (a defenseless old man who is paralyzed from a stroke, no less). So, there a couple thousand dollars wasted, and more to come for a new nursing home. My grandfather is ready to die, and I wish he could be allowed to. I also feel horrible for my mother. In the 7 months I've been away, the stress of dealing with my grandfather has caused my mom to lose an incredible amount of weight (and she didn't have much to begin with), and she looks like she's aged 10 years. It's very fucking frustrating to know that my family needs me at the moment, but I'm far away (not that I could really do anything if I were there).
So, although it was great to see my family (we had a big crawfish boil, they got me trashed as always), Louisiana was really quite the downer. Same thing for Mississippi really. I spent several days there, visiting my old college cronies, but I felt so pressed for time that it was hard to relax and enjoy myself. There were so many folks that I both wanted to and felt obligated to see. Again, it was wonderful to see some of my best friends, but it really just stressed me and did much to emphasize my lack of real friends here in Portland. The major plus of the Mississippi trip was renting a convertible in which to do all that driving. Freaking incredible (I'd never been in a convertible), but truly, I was just as impressed by the cupholders and cruise control as I was by putting the top down (I've never even had a vehicle with air conditioning, forget power windows and such).
Overall, the trip home really drained me and sent me back in a very depressed state. Unfortunately, I was already feeling quite depressed when I got there, so I came back extra down, and it's only gotten worse since I've been back. This is something that I will likely have to deal with all of my life, as I'm technically have clinical depression and am supposed to be on medication. The meds (regardless of the type, and I've had several) simply made me feel like a zombie, and after a year of that, I decided that I prefer to feel negative emotions than to feel nothing at all. Over the past few years, I've worked at maintaing happiness without the meds, and I think I've made some excellent strides (my depression is severe enough that I was forcibly hospitalized for it back in college, so please understand that I'm quite serious about it). However, the depression sometimes pops up, generally due to some sort of catalyst, but not always.
This is one of the longest-running and most consuming depressive spells that I've had in ages, and for most of the past 2 months I've been playing hermit in the apartment. I've been forcing myself to get out lately, and I seem to be feeling better. It always goes, just takes a harder fight sometimes. A major issue that is exacerbating the depression this time is my lonliness here in Portland. I have a few friends (and I think I'd probably have more if I got out and played with the SG PDX group!), but I really, really need some activity on the romance front. It's been 3 years of total solitude, people. Not even any handholding. Nada. I thought that my prospects would improve with the move to Portland, as there are far more women that I have things in common with here than in south Mississippi, but my track record here is terrible! One girl let me take her on a date, but turned out to have a boyfriend. One girl stood me up twice! I even broke down and responded to a personal ad, which seemed to have a lot of positive potential (we emailed several times) until I sent her a picture of me and she promptly disappeared. What little hope I've had for any sort of dating success has pretty much run dry, and my self-esteem is suffering. I do have an ex-girlfriend from years ago who lives here, and I'm sure I could have "maintenance sex" at the very least, but I think it would affect my self-esteem very negatively to be forced to turn to the only person in the last 4 years who has shown any interest in me. I need something new, something to show me that I'm still interesting, fun and at least mildly okay-looking. Not necessarily a balls-to-the-wall, ultra-serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (though I certainly wouldn't turn my nose up at the opportunity), but even something light and random.
I just need to remember what it's like to feel the skin of another brushing my own, to have my face so close to the face of another that my eyes have to cross and the faces blur into one.
There's the update. Depression, then travel, then depression. There are many, many details I've left out, but I don't want to make you read a Dickens novel.
Promised an update a couple of days ago, but if you folks haven't learned, I'm not exactly Captain Punctual when it comes to this (but punctuality is actually a big pet peeve of mine. I'm always on time for appointments, and if you're late without letting me know, I'll stop a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry)
A lot has gone on in the nearly 2 months since I last posted, so I'll try to do this in a condensed form. The Reader's Digest of my life.
Spent some time in southern Cali with two of my best friends, courtesy of work. Had a big non-profit conference in San Diego, then spent a few extra days in the LBC. Had my Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles as always, and discovered the greatest restaurant of my eating career. The future, folks, is Brazilian churrascaria. You pay one price (about 20 dollars, even at lunch), and you get a buffet of Brazilian soups, salads and finger food. The real deal, though, is the waiters that constantly walk around the restaurant with giant skewers (swords, really) of meat. And not just your usual meats. Had quail, rabbit, all sorts of great things I usually don't find in a restaurant. There is a wooden cylinder at the table that is painted in the colors of a stoplight. Turn the cylinder to green when you want more meat, red when you need a break, and lay it down when your done (yellow gets the shaft, I guess). Top it off with a Xinghu Brazilian black lager, and you've got a food-induced orgasm.
So, Cali was fun. Only had a short time there, and most of it was dedicated to eating. Very nice just to see my friends, wouldn't have really cared what we were up to.
Also took a visit home to Louisiana and Mississippi for spring break. I was hoping for a fun, rejuvenating visit, but it was actually quite the downer. My grandfather (mom's dad) is getting quite old, and he's really starting to slip mentally (he slipped physically a while ago). I'll spare you the details of family bullshit, but the basics are that we had to call the police and force him into a nursing home, due to hallucinations and violent tendencies that are emerging. He was kicked out of the home after 2 days for the beating and attempted stabbing of his roommate (a defenseless old man who is paralyzed from a stroke, no less). So, there a couple thousand dollars wasted, and more to come for a new nursing home. My grandfather is ready to die, and I wish he could be allowed to. I also feel horrible for my mother. In the 7 months I've been away, the stress of dealing with my grandfather has caused my mom to lose an incredible amount of weight (and she didn't have much to begin with), and she looks like she's aged 10 years. It's very fucking frustrating to know that my family needs me at the moment, but I'm far away (not that I could really do anything if I were there).
So, although it was great to see my family (we had a big crawfish boil, they got me trashed as always), Louisiana was really quite the downer. Same thing for Mississippi really. I spent several days there, visiting my old college cronies, but I felt so pressed for time that it was hard to relax and enjoy myself. There were so many folks that I both wanted to and felt obligated to see. Again, it was wonderful to see some of my best friends, but it really just stressed me and did much to emphasize my lack of real friends here in Portland. The major plus of the Mississippi trip was renting a convertible in which to do all that driving. Freaking incredible (I'd never been in a convertible), but truly, I was just as impressed by the cupholders and cruise control as I was by putting the top down (I've never even had a vehicle with air conditioning, forget power windows and such).
Overall, the trip home really drained me and sent me back in a very depressed state. Unfortunately, I was already feeling quite depressed when I got there, so I came back extra down, and it's only gotten worse since I've been back. This is something that I will likely have to deal with all of my life, as I'm technically have clinical depression and am supposed to be on medication. The meds (regardless of the type, and I've had several) simply made me feel like a zombie, and after a year of that, I decided that I prefer to feel negative emotions than to feel nothing at all. Over the past few years, I've worked at maintaing happiness without the meds, and I think I've made some excellent strides (my depression is severe enough that I was forcibly hospitalized for it back in college, so please understand that I'm quite serious about it). However, the depression sometimes pops up, generally due to some sort of catalyst, but not always.
This is one of the longest-running and most consuming depressive spells that I've had in ages, and for most of the past 2 months I've been playing hermit in the apartment. I've been forcing myself to get out lately, and I seem to be feeling better. It always goes, just takes a harder fight sometimes. A major issue that is exacerbating the depression this time is my lonliness here in Portland. I have a few friends (and I think I'd probably have more if I got out and played with the SG PDX group!), but I really, really need some activity on the romance front. It's been 3 years of total solitude, people. Not even any handholding. Nada. I thought that my prospects would improve with the move to Portland, as there are far more women that I have things in common with here than in south Mississippi, but my track record here is terrible! One girl let me take her on a date, but turned out to have a boyfriend. One girl stood me up twice! I even broke down and responded to a personal ad, which seemed to have a lot of positive potential (we emailed several times) until I sent her a picture of me and she promptly disappeared. What little hope I've had for any sort of dating success has pretty much run dry, and my self-esteem is suffering. I do have an ex-girlfriend from years ago who lives here, and I'm sure I could have "maintenance sex" at the very least, but I think it would affect my self-esteem very negatively to be forced to turn to the only person in the last 4 years who has shown any interest in me. I need something new, something to show me that I'm still interesting, fun and at least mildly okay-looking. Not necessarily a balls-to-the-wall, ultra-serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (though I certainly wouldn't turn my nose up at the opportunity), but even something light and random.
I just need to remember what it's like to feel the skin of another brushing my own, to have my face so close to the face of another that my eyes have to cross and the faces blur into one.
There's the update. Depression, then travel, then depression. There are many, many details I've left out, but I don't want to make you read a Dickens novel.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Dude, maybe now that it's warming up, your love life will, too.
It's good to have you back.
Seriously, getting out and socializing with the good folks here brought me out of the worst of spots. I had lived in PDX for 5 years and made no friends of my own. Forcing myself to get out and be sociable, it's put me in a better place than I've ever been.