Tonight's show, for those that are counting, was a three point show. Songs I sang tonight (in order, as best as I can remember):
+ Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
+ Tragically Hip - New Orleans Is Sinking (har har)
+ The Beatles - Come Together
+ Sheriff - When I'm With You
+ Radiohead - Karma Police
+ Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
I might have missed one, but I think that's pretty much it.
. . .
One of the most contentious issues I have to regularly deal with at the show? No, it's not the blistering language or near-illegal racial humor that sometimes comes out at the show... No, it's something far simpler than that.
It's the rotation. That's right, people bitch more than anything else about how long it takes to get around to their next turn. People hold grudges and even threaten violence when they think I'm targeting them personally. Like I'm keeping their gift of song from the so-deserving audience.
Listen, you fucking bags of moist shit- I don't care WHO sings and I don't care when. Listeners have to wait just as long as rank-and-file audience members, and my friends sometimes have to wait LONGER to accommodate long lists of new singers. Moreover, if you get to the show at 1:30, don't even fucking ask me if you can sing. At 1:30, you can basically eat a dick, because I've already got enough singers, and they've all spent more than you're going to spend on the solitary beer you buy to beat last call. So forget it.
So what's my point? I'm glad I pretended you asked.
Here are my tips for singing quickly and not getting the shit end of the rotation:
1. Stick to solo tunes, or ONLY do duets. If I have to put you up for a solo, I'm going to wait until the next rotation to put up your duet, and if you've chosen several solos, the duet's pretty much done in whatever order you ask for it. That's complicated further when the person you're doing a duet with ALSO has solo songs in. Everyone wants to do duets, but nobody wants to do duets at the expense of their solos.
2. Fill out your sheet with as many songs as you want to do. If I have to manage numerous sheets from you with one song on them, I'm probably going to lose them.
3. Don't be a greedy shithead and hand in a dozen sheets with a dozen songs on each. The show only lasts 4 hours, and that means about 70 songs max. In a bar with 20 singers who stay for the whole night and where no others join after the show starts, each one's still only geting about 3 songs. Look around, moron- if the bar's even moderately busy, you're probably not singing any more than 2 songs.
4. Be patient. If you're breaking my balls, or calling out your friend's name (or your name) when I'm trying to call the next act, I'm probably going to fuck you over, and you'll have to wait even longer. There are people that are EXCEEDINGLY polite to me, which is not necessary. Just hand in your sheet and wait. If you've gotta go soon or something like that, you can maybe ask me ONCE what the rotation is like, but DON'T ask me to let you do back-to-back, or put your friend up when you only handed in your sheet 10 minutes ago. Also, I don't care how good it's going to be or how much money your table is spending. Just fuck off and wait your turn.
5. Fill out the sheet properly. It's fucking easy- YOUR NAME and then the SONG TITLES. No numbers, no bullshit. Don't fill it out on the back, or upside down. Just do it like you're supposed to. Or I'll take a giant shit on you.
6. Listen to the show. When I call your name, if you're outside on the patio or in the back, or just talking to your friends, you'll miss it, and then I'll pass you over. Everyone will have heard me call you, and I'll be pretty unsympathetic when you tell me "I didn't hear you". Because, you know, I call your name over AN AMPLIFIED SOUND SYSTEM. Not hearing is not the same as not listening.
7. Don't annoy me with your song. Bad is fine, lame is fine, but if your number is just obnoxious screaming, you're likely to slide off the chart. I'm not in a hurry to put up acts that basically just annoy people. I can only do so much to turn that kind of lemon into some lemonade.
8. Don't put your name up in large groups. This is kind of an extension of the duets rule above, but more complicated because, again, people in large groups tend also to want to sing their solos AND their group song, as if that's not two turns in the same rotation. Sorry, that dog won't hunt.
9. Write clearly. If I can't read it, I probably won't play it.
10. Be respectful of other acts. If you and your friends are charging the stage every five minutes or otherwise trying to dominate the show, you're not likely to be too happy with the outcome. Laugh at the funny parts and clap when you're supposed to.
When people figure out that the show isn't about them, it's always a much better show.
Maybe that's asking a lot though....
+ Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
+ Tragically Hip - New Orleans Is Sinking (har har)
+ The Beatles - Come Together
+ Sheriff - When I'm With You
+ Radiohead - Karma Police
+ Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
I might have missed one, but I think that's pretty much it.
. . .
One of the most contentious issues I have to regularly deal with at the show? No, it's not the blistering language or near-illegal racial humor that sometimes comes out at the show... No, it's something far simpler than that.
It's the rotation. That's right, people bitch more than anything else about how long it takes to get around to their next turn. People hold grudges and even threaten violence when they think I'm targeting them personally. Like I'm keeping their gift of song from the so-deserving audience.
Listen, you fucking bags of moist shit- I don't care WHO sings and I don't care when. Listeners have to wait just as long as rank-and-file audience members, and my friends sometimes have to wait LONGER to accommodate long lists of new singers. Moreover, if you get to the show at 1:30, don't even fucking ask me if you can sing. At 1:30, you can basically eat a dick, because I've already got enough singers, and they've all spent more than you're going to spend on the solitary beer you buy to beat last call. So forget it.
So what's my point? I'm glad I pretended you asked.
Here are my tips for singing quickly and not getting the shit end of the rotation:
1. Stick to solo tunes, or ONLY do duets. If I have to put you up for a solo, I'm going to wait until the next rotation to put up your duet, and if you've chosen several solos, the duet's pretty much done in whatever order you ask for it. That's complicated further when the person you're doing a duet with ALSO has solo songs in. Everyone wants to do duets, but nobody wants to do duets at the expense of their solos.
2. Fill out your sheet with as many songs as you want to do. If I have to manage numerous sheets from you with one song on them, I'm probably going to lose them.
3. Don't be a greedy shithead and hand in a dozen sheets with a dozen songs on each. The show only lasts 4 hours, and that means about 70 songs max. In a bar with 20 singers who stay for the whole night and where no others join after the show starts, each one's still only geting about 3 songs. Look around, moron- if the bar's even moderately busy, you're probably not singing any more than 2 songs.
4. Be patient. If you're breaking my balls, or calling out your friend's name (or your name) when I'm trying to call the next act, I'm probably going to fuck you over, and you'll have to wait even longer. There are people that are EXCEEDINGLY polite to me, which is not necessary. Just hand in your sheet and wait. If you've gotta go soon or something like that, you can maybe ask me ONCE what the rotation is like, but DON'T ask me to let you do back-to-back, or put your friend up when you only handed in your sheet 10 minutes ago. Also, I don't care how good it's going to be or how much money your table is spending. Just fuck off and wait your turn.
5. Fill out the sheet properly. It's fucking easy- YOUR NAME and then the SONG TITLES. No numbers, no bullshit. Don't fill it out on the back, or upside down. Just do it like you're supposed to. Or I'll take a giant shit on you.
6. Listen to the show. When I call your name, if you're outside on the patio or in the back, or just talking to your friends, you'll miss it, and then I'll pass you over. Everyone will have heard me call you, and I'll be pretty unsympathetic when you tell me "I didn't hear you". Because, you know, I call your name over AN AMPLIFIED SOUND SYSTEM. Not hearing is not the same as not listening.
7. Don't annoy me with your song. Bad is fine, lame is fine, but if your number is just obnoxious screaming, you're likely to slide off the chart. I'm not in a hurry to put up acts that basically just annoy people. I can only do so much to turn that kind of lemon into some lemonade.
8. Don't put your name up in large groups. This is kind of an extension of the duets rule above, but more complicated because, again, people in large groups tend also to want to sing their solos AND their group song, as if that's not two turns in the same rotation. Sorry, that dog won't hunt.
9. Write clearly. If I can't read it, I probably won't play it.
10. Be respectful of other acts. If you and your friends are charging the stage every five minutes or otherwise trying to dominate the show, you're not likely to be too happy with the outcome. Laugh at the funny parts and clap when you're supposed to.
When people figure out that the show isn't about them, it's always a much better show.
Maybe that's asking a lot though....
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
a)harass the karaoke man
b)chose a song I don't know
and
c)do anymore obnoxious screaming
I'll behave nest time, I promise.