It's hard to stand up straight when you world is continuously turned topsy-turvy.
Yesterday I experienced one of those conversations that totally blindsides you, and leaves you questioning just where your life is going. Out of a bit of depression, and a longing to talk to someone special, I called one of my former girlfriends with whom I'm still on friendly terms. She was one of my first loves and also ranks high on my High Fidelity top five most memorable break-ups list. After that particular break-up we didn't speak to one another for over a year and a half. This was almost ten years ago. Over the years we patched things up, and are relatively close friends. Well, for me relatively close means talking maybe two or three times a year. She comes to many of my shows, and even stage managed a show I directed. I see her around every so often but we never feel we have an obligation to talk all the time.
In fact we hadn't had a long conversation in perhaps six months. So anyway, I called her last night to see how she was and perhaps vent a little about the problems I've been having. So after a few minutes of initial reconnecting banter, we talk about what going on in our lives. Before I can even tell her about my problems, she casually mentions how busy she's been planning her wedding. "What?!", I say, "You're getting married?" "Yes," she replied, "we've got 22 days until the wedding." I knew she had been dating her current boyfriend for a while now, but I had no idea they were about to get married. (To read between the lines: I never got a wedding invitation.) To put this in context, this is a girl who, ever since I've known her, hated her parents divorce so much, that she was almost militant about the fact that she would never get married. She barricaded herself against the subject of marriage like one would from a zombie apocalypse. She was impenetrable. She may have even influenced my thoughts on the subject a little. Before her I was hopeful about the prospect of one day being married, to her even I often thought. After it ended I think I subconsciously wanted to beat her at her own game. If she could spit in the face of nature, and society, and instinct, then so could I. That's probably one of the reasons why I am where I am at this point of my life, and was unable, or scarred to talk about the subject in preceding relationships.
So all of a sudden this militant anti-marriage activist was on the verge of taking the big plunge. It really through me for a loop. All I could say was "Wow!" and "Congratulations." The whole time thinking to myself how I never believed I witness this day. But those lines, "I'm getting married!" weren't nearly a shocking as what she said to me a few moments later, "We're having a baby." Now let me specify that one was not the cause of the other. There will be no shotguns present at this ceremony. It was a mutual choice. Now to describe why this particular development is so shocking, let me explain that the only thing she was more adamant about never doing, besides getting married, was reproducing. She told me once that her ultimate revenge on her parents was to never pass their DNA on to another generation. She even went so far as look into forms of sterilization. Now here she is over six months pregnant, and it was by choice. Needless to say I was dumbfounded.
After those startling revelations, I couldn't bring myself to talk about the problems I was having. Instead I talked about my upcoming theatre productions, my mom, and music, never hinting that I was unhappy. We didn't talk very long, because she had stuff to take care of. She said she would call me back soon. I have a feeling she wont, until at least after the wedding probably.
All this I guess shows that people do indeed change. Now I am in no way am unhappy for her, or angry, or depressed about the news, although I do feel kind of slighted by not being invited to the wedding. I suppose she has her reasons. No, mostly I'm just bewildered that things can change so fast, and how easily you can slip away from even the closest of friends. She's embarking on a whole new phase of life, that I'll have no real place in.
It also got me saddened about where I am in my life now. When I was a kid, I always thought I'd be married by 25 and probably have children soon after. As I grew older my view of marriage began to change, definitely influenced by others around me and by my relationships. Twenty-five, became thirty, became thirty-five, became I dont know if Ill ever get married. I grew cynical about marriage and children, and began to repress that overwhelming urge to couple, writing it off as an erosion of my personal freedom. I got into such a habit of denying my youthful hopes about marriage that by the time I got around to my last relationship, a person I often thought I could spend the rest of my life with, I couldn't even bring the subject up without feeling I was surrendering in the battle for my personal independence. Those feelings were still there though. I'd repetitively think to myself with every girlfriend, "Is this the One." and I would grow so scarred by the thought that I'd begin to emotionally distance myself from that person out of fear that my search was over.
Now here I am, two years shy of the age when my parents had me, and I'm not one iota closer to that next phase than I was ten, or even twenty years ago. I want to be though. I think I'm growing tired of the single life. Im weary of the search. Of course I don't want to jump into anything, I've always been a very slow mover, but right now I'm just kind of worn from of making the same stupid choices and ending up worse off than I started. There have been quite a few revelations over the past few months that make me think a change is in order. I feel Im wasting precious time. I think I want to embrace those youthful dreams again. Im ready for a change. I fear being alone.
Yesterday I experienced one of those conversations that totally blindsides you, and leaves you questioning just where your life is going. Out of a bit of depression, and a longing to talk to someone special, I called one of my former girlfriends with whom I'm still on friendly terms. She was one of my first loves and also ranks high on my High Fidelity top five most memorable break-ups list. After that particular break-up we didn't speak to one another for over a year and a half. This was almost ten years ago. Over the years we patched things up, and are relatively close friends. Well, for me relatively close means talking maybe two or three times a year. She comes to many of my shows, and even stage managed a show I directed. I see her around every so often but we never feel we have an obligation to talk all the time.
In fact we hadn't had a long conversation in perhaps six months. So anyway, I called her last night to see how she was and perhaps vent a little about the problems I've been having. So after a few minutes of initial reconnecting banter, we talk about what going on in our lives. Before I can even tell her about my problems, she casually mentions how busy she's been planning her wedding. "What?!", I say, "You're getting married?" "Yes," she replied, "we've got 22 days until the wedding." I knew she had been dating her current boyfriend for a while now, but I had no idea they were about to get married. (To read between the lines: I never got a wedding invitation.) To put this in context, this is a girl who, ever since I've known her, hated her parents divorce so much, that she was almost militant about the fact that she would never get married. She barricaded herself against the subject of marriage like one would from a zombie apocalypse. She was impenetrable. She may have even influenced my thoughts on the subject a little. Before her I was hopeful about the prospect of one day being married, to her even I often thought. After it ended I think I subconsciously wanted to beat her at her own game. If she could spit in the face of nature, and society, and instinct, then so could I. That's probably one of the reasons why I am where I am at this point of my life, and was unable, or scarred to talk about the subject in preceding relationships.
So all of a sudden this militant anti-marriage activist was on the verge of taking the big plunge. It really through me for a loop. All I could say was "Wow!" and "Congratulations." The whole time thinking to myself how I never believed I witness this day. But those lines, "I'm getting married!" weren't nearly a shocking as what she said to me a few moments later, "We're having a baby." Now let me specify that one was not the cause of the other. There will be no shotguns present at this ceremony. It was a mutual choice. Now to describe why this particular development is so shocking, let me explain that the only thing she was more adamant about never doing, besides getting married, was reproducing. She told me once that her ultimate revenge on her parents was to never pass their DNA on to another generation. She even went so far as look into forms of sterilization. Now here she is over six months pregnant, and it was by choice. Needless to say I was dumbfounded.
After those startling revelations, I couldn't bring myself to talk about the problems I was having. Instead I talked about my upcoming theatre productions, my mom, and music, never hinting that I was unhappy. We didn't talk very long, because she had stuff to take care of. She said she would call me back soon. I have a feeling she wont, until at least after the wedding probably.
All this I guess shows that people do indeed change. Now I am in no way am unhappy for her, or angry, or depressed about the news, although I do feel kind of slighted by not being invited to the wedding. I suppose she has her reasons. No, mostly I'm just bewildered that things can change so fast, and how easily you can slip away from even the closest of friends. She's embarking on a whole new phase of life, that I'll have no real place in.
It also got me saddened about where I am in my life now. When I was a kid, I always thought I'd be married by 25 and probably have children soon after. As I grew older my view of marriage began to change, definitely influenced by others around me and by my relationships. Twenty-five, became thirty, became thirty-five, became I dont know if Ill ever get married. I grew cynical about marriage and children, and began to repress that overwhelming urge to couple, writing it off as an erosion of my personal freedom. I got into such a habit of denying my youthful hopes about marriage that by the time I got around to my last relationship, a person I often thought I could spend the rest of my life with, I couldn't even bring the subject up without feeling I was surrendering in the battle for my personal independence. Those feelings were still there though. I'd repetitively think to myself with every girlfriend, "Is this the One." and I would grow so scarred by the thought that I'd begin to emotionally distance myself from that person out of fear that my search was over.
Now here I am, two years shy of the age when my parents had me, and I'm not one iota closer to that next phase than I was ten, or even twenty years ago. I want to be though. I think I'm growing tired of the single life. Im weary of the search. Of course I don't want to jump into anything, I've always been a very slow mover, but right now I'm just kind of worn from of making the same stupid choices and ending up worse off than I started. There have been quite a few revelations over the past few months that make me think a change is in order. I feel Im wasting precious time. I think I want to embrace those youthful dreams again. Im ready for a change. I fear being alone.
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All I can say is: don't give up. +1 to what ^^schiavona^^ said.