pagz

listen... i was going through the same sort of deal last month... i was at the point where i would wake up in the morning to my alarm clock beeping and beeping and the first thought wasnt 'wow whats gonna go wrong today?' it literally got to the point where the first waking thought was 'Suicide! Of course! Why didn't i think of that before?'
because EVERY DAY something HORRIBLE would happen. EVERY. DAY. i am speaking of a friend of ten years spitting spite and venom at me and then cutting me out of her life, just after she had her baby; Delilah, whom i was really looking forward to meeting and spending time with and loving. i was going to be Auntie Jet (it would probably be a little difficult for her to pronounce my real name for a good five more years yet) and i spent $200 that i really could not afford on gifts for her AND mom (ex-best friend) at her baby shower... and out of NOWHERE she cut me out of her life.
i am talking about a car accident that happened three weeks ago. my mother was driving and had it happened a split second sooner, i certainly would not be here to write this. the other driver hit my side. hard. i scalded myself with the coffee i was stupidly holding.
i am talking about another friend i THOUGHT was my friend sticking me with a knife right through the heart. not literally; just the words he said and the way he said them.
my soon to be exhusband who i once considered above all others finding me on Facebook (which you should join) and sinking his claws back in; first saying nice things, trying to call me, then when i tried to do the classy thing and tell him to take care of himself; he sent me the meanest words he could come up with. and he is a CHAMP at mean words.
i havent been fired from a job; but i have been LOOKING for a job. ANY job. and i cant find one. so i have no money.
i have the bank on my ass writing me more and more letters that are becoming more and more threatening...
i am talking about my mom yesterday coming home from breakfast and staggering and dropping things and not being able to see out of her right eye. she doesnt take drugs. she doesnt drink. but she literally could not walk. there was no pain. she was just completely disoriented and confused.
you know most of this. its just like i feel (as i am sure you do) that theres a big neon sign over my head right now flashing OVERLOAD OVERLOAD OVERLOAD
but...
shit where was i going with this? THE POINT OF THIS COMMENT IS NOT TO BRING YOU DOWN, I SWEAR TO GOD.
you are an exceptional person. and sometimes (or ALL the damn times in my case) we do not know why the things that happen to us are allowed to happen. we try to live our lives as relatively good, decent, compassionate human beings and the world is not kind. you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your head up. because the world does NOT hate you. it doesnt love you either. the world is indifferent.
you have to make your own choices; the best choices you can, and hope for the expected best outcome.
LIFE IS NOT A SERIES OF DISAPPOINTMENT AFTER DISAPPOINTMENT. life is a series of choices and good things and bad things and good people and bad people.
i hope hope hope and i will even say a prayer that you find a new job soon (it occurs to me that getting fired from this job may lead to something much better... only we cant see that from here because the future is all smoke and mirrors)...
just... just try to look at your life in an unbiased way... try to notice what you have that you can be grateful for.
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
-Anonymous
that may sound naive. it may sound trite. but it struck a chord with me and i hope it strikes the same chord with you.
i am thinking of you.
xxx
-AM