so i thought i would squash some shit between myself and an old friend that i had fought with, and he wrote me back to say "no, call me immature, but i'd rather you didn't exist, blah blah blah" we're not friends because i didn't like the girl he was dating. he's no longer with her, but apparently thats grounds to hate me.
i tried talking to another friend today about how i've been sick for months now and how it effects my mood and makes me kind of grumpy, and he got on my case about how thats bullshit, and i should just be happy because i make myself happy, and just turn off the magical bad mood switch. let alone the fact that its my kidneys that provide a great deal of the problem, and that it puts me in constant pain, and that my fathers illness has to do with his kidneys, and that scares me. plus i can't afford to do anything about it. so i'm stressed out. but thats supposed to make me go, "oh well, such is life, god isn't life wonderful? look at all the great things i have" don't get me wrong, i'm very happy, and i'm happy with my life, and i'm blessed in many ways.
but i still get stressed.
i'm starting to wonder if i'm a bad person. if i just complain too much and ask everyone to make it better, and sit on my ass and bitch while some of them try, and, of course, fail.
which would explain why i don't have any friends.
no one calls to hang out, or even wants to see me.
joe tells me to have faith and that "the lord will provide what we need"
a) no offence, but fuck jesus talk, i'm jewish
b) i don't decide to rest on my laurels and let god sort my life out. thats not his job. its mine.
maybe my problems are small, and maybe i don't show my grattitude enough.
maybe i'm just a bitch.
or lazy.
or childish.
i don't know.
no one talks to me except my boyfriend.
my own family rarely communicates.
i don't know whats wrong with me, but obviously something is.
i feel like i don't deserve what little i do have.
i feel like i own nothing because i deserve nothing.
i feel like i work work work and make just barely enough to get by because all i deserve is bare minnimum.
something in my kharma is very fucked up, and i can't pin point it, let alone fix it.
i feel constantly distressed.
fuck it, maybe its my PMS.
i tried talking to another friend today about how i've been sick for months now and how it effects my mood and makes me kind of grumpy, and he got on my case about how thats bullshit, and i should just be happy because i make myself happy, and just turn off the magical bad mood switch. let alone the fact that its my kidneys that provide a great deal of the problem, and that it puts me in constant pain, and that my fathers illness has to do with his kidneys, and that scares me. plus i can't afford to do anything about it. so i'm stressed out. but thats supposed to make me go, "oh well, such is life, god isn't life wonderful? look at all the great things i have" don't get me wrong, i'm very happy, and i'm happy with my life, and i'm blessed in many ways.
but i still get stressed.
i'm starting to wonder if i'm a bad person. if i just complain too much and ask everyone to make it better, and sit on my ass and bitch while some of them try, and, of course, fail.
which would explain why i don't have any friends.
no one calls to hang out, or even wants to see me.
joe tells me to have faith and that "the lord will provide what we need"
a) no offence, but fuck jesus talk, i'm jewish
b) i don't decide to rest on my laurels and let god sort my life out. thats not his job. its mine.
maybe my problems are small, and maybe i don't show my grattitude enough.
maybe i'm just a bitch.
or lazy.
or childish.
i don't know.
no one talks to me except my boyfriend.
my own family rarely communicates.
i don't know whats wrong with me, but obviously something is.
i feel like i don't deserve what little i do have.
i feel like i own nothing because i deserve nothing.
i feel like i work work work and make just barely enough to get by because all i deserve is bare minnimum.
something in my kharma is very fucked up, and i can't pin point it, let alone fix it.
i feel constantly distressed.
fuck it, maybe its my PMS.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
boxofficepoison:
I was just going to write you a letter talking about how I miss talking to you regularly and hoping we could remain friends.
iggy:
hey welcome back! To say its been a whole would be a wildly large understatement...How ya been??