Ok, so I've been away for a while but where I've been is none of youre goddamn business so if you're wondering well then you can you can FUCK OFF!!! UP YOURS!!!LIKE I SAID IT'S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!!!TEE HEE!!! 
Now then, on to the subject of the day, or night as the case may be. My new feature, which I hope to make a semi-regular thing here at the "Sephiroth Show"...I gveyou: "TheonetrueVideoGameReview"... TA DA...
... 
... (total silents, crickets chirruping)... (fine... 
you want to be like that, then I don't need you, ill do it any way ) ... (Jesus Christ!! I didnt realise un til just this moment how drunk i truely am 
). Oh, SHIT!! I all most forgot, first we need a word from or sponsor.
(But first, please exccuse me, whilst I take a piss, and have a smoke, Ill only be but a moment.)
And now, a word from our sponsor...
(And try to rememberpeople, that this is FUCKING SATIRE!!!!! So if you're offended, and cannnot remember taht one simple fact, then you know what you can do... EAT A MOTHERFUCKING BEASTCOCK! That's right, I donot suffer fools with out a sendse of humor lightly, GOT IT!!!)
(Shot of a man dressed in a very LOUD Cowboy outfit, hes the announcer [rrmminicent ofd the one Michael J. Fox started out in when he went bach to 1887 in "BTTF3"]. He's a complete redneck in every way. Fast music plays in the back ground [Country, or some kind of irritating Hillbilly Bluegrass].)
Redneck Announcer (Loudly, to get your atenttion): Whoooo doooogie!! Pardner, have I got sumpin' fur you!
RA (Still Loud): Friends! Are you tired of that Neighbor who always takes advantage of your hosspitality, borraws things, and never returns them...
Low Voice: "I need your chain saw Flanders."
Flanders: "Shure Homer. Do Didly Doo you promise to return it in working condition, along with all the other stuff you've borrowed?"
Homer: "Huh... what... Suuuure yeah..... Bye!"
RA: "Or how 'bout outright jus' steals yer stuff..."
Homer: Hmm, Flanders' garage is open, and a big screen T.V. seems to just be sitting there, on a cart, all alone, and no body's around (mmm, big screen T.V... agghhhggg...)
RA (Louder now): How about that Neighbor that's always throwing garbage in oyur back yard... like his babies' dirty diapers!!...
(SSSPPLLLAAATTT!!!)
RA (Softer now, almost conspiritorialy): or haow about the one who's sleeping with your wife??
Low Moaning Female Voice: "Oh Harold!!!"
Low Moaning Male Voice: "Oh Marcia!!!
RA (Normal Toans): Well, Shooot! Ain't that a fuckin' kick in the teeth. But we cain't stop there now can we? Let us not forgit about those annoyin kids... you know the ones... the ones that play their LOUD, SQUEALIN', rock & roll "music"...
(Cue LOUD, SQUAELING, ROCK & ROOL Music..)
G'N'R: "WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!!"
RA (Voice Dripping With Venom): Or their annoyin' crap "muuusic"...
(Cue LOUD RAP Music...)
Snoop Doog: "WIT' SO MUCH DRAMA IN THE LBC IT'S KINDA' HARD BIENG SNOOP D, O, DOUBLE G, BUT I, SOME HOW, SOME WAY, KEEP COMIN' UP WIT' FUNKY ASS SHIT LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY..."
RA (Loudler, More Venom): Turn dounuts in you front lawn...
(Sound of an engine revving loudly, tires spinning in dirt, screaming youts)
Drunken Teen #1: "FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!!!"
Drunken Teen #2: "YEAH, EAT A DICK COCKSUCKER!!"
RA (Yelling): ...Nail a dead kitten to your door...
(meow)
RA (Still Yelling): What a waste of good roadkill!!
(Now Back To A Shot Of The Redneck Announcer, He Removes Hat, And Drops Voice, His Tone Is Fild With Shame, Even More Poison, And It Seem He's Holing Back Tears...)
RA: Or, the final insult... Those sons a bitches, who have NO! respect (Stops To Choak Back Tears) fer nuthin'... (Composes Himself) Steal the baby Jesus, Our Lord, and Savior... (Begins To Cry) From your outdoor Manger display aronnd Christmas, and then... (He Really Begin To "Make The Sale" ) The Final Fuckin' GODDAMN INJURY, they return it... (Dramatic Pause.....) (Now He Gathers Up All The Venom, Passion, Fire And Brimstone He Has Avalabl) ON MOTHERFUCKING EASTER SUNDAY...!!! ON THE GODDAMN RESURRECTION...!!!
(Cue Loud Booming Godlike Athouratative Voice...)
Godlike Voice: HE HAS RISEN...!!!
RA (Yelling): THAT AIN'T FUNNY, DUDE, THAT AIN'T FUCKIN' FUNNY!! YOU, OUT THERE, YOU LISTENIN', YOU SHOW SOME RESPECT TO THE SAVIOR, GODDAMN IT!!
Me: Sorry
RA: That's better.
(The Announcer Composes Himself, Pull A Handkerchief From Shirt Pocket And Wipes Face, He Also Putts His Hat Back On. Now He Gose Into "The Pitch"...)
RA: So, what can you do about these cocksuckers... hmm? Well, you dont have to git mad, you dont even have to git even... (you like that one?) all you have to do is Deter (vt. To Keep Or Dicourage (A Person Or People) From Doing Something By Instilling Fear, Anxiety, Doubt, Etc.) them, and how do you do that? With this...
(Show Product... Which Looks Like Nothing More Than A Large Briefcase, With A Keypad Set Into The Right Hand Side. Cue Athoritative Voice Over.)
Athoritative Voice Over: 'THE ASS BLASTER TEN MILLION!!"
Redneck Announcer: That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, "The Ass Blaster Ten Million". The latest in home security, well home deterrence really. Now, finally legal in all 50 States, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Ilsands.
RA: "The Ass Blaster Ten Million" is a small "Thermo-Nuclear Device" of highly enriched Uranium, (our company got it from the Russians years ago to build reactors, but that went the way of the Dodo, so now...) and the yield is close to One Hundred and Fifty Kilotons!!!
RA: How big is that? Well that's about the size our Brillant Commander in Chief, The President of The United States, George W. Bush, wants to start testing as a bunker bustin bomb, and...(breaking that BULLSHIT Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, possibly creating another arms race, (wouldn't that be lovely for this company) and the whole world can take a Flyin' Fuck!!)... creating an actual practical use Nuclear Weapon... (that only the U.S., aaand maybe our allys can have) ... God Bless Him. Anyway thats how big One Hundred and Fifty Kilotons is, and thats big enough to decimate your block, the next block, the block after that, and the surrounding blocks for miiiiiiles around, for decades to come. So remember the worlds first name in Home Deterrence...
(Cue Loud Athouritative Voice)
LAV: 'THE ASS BLASTER TEN MILLION!!"
(Back To Redneck Anouncer As He Delivers The Product's Tag Line Annoying Country Or Hillbilly Bluegrass Begins Again.)
RA: "The Ass Blaster Ten Million".....Don't Be The Only Person On Your Block NOT Practicing Nuclear Deterrence!!!"
(Fade To Black, Cue Soft Voice Over.)
Soft Voice Over: "The Ass Blaster Ten Million, get it every where. New from FUArms.
(MORE PISS! MORE CIG!! )
Well, thank you very much, and now, with out furthur ado.. "TheOneTrueVideoGameReview".
Here's how I will rate The Video Game I choose...
Each game will judged in four different catagories
Gameplay - How easy the game is to pick up and play, the so called "Learning Curve", plus things like controller and camera issues.
Sound - Pertty srtaight forward... How well the sound meshes with the game your playing, do the effects and score (if applicable) irritate, and intrude on the overall game playing experience.
Graphics - Again straight forward... How "Pretty" is the game. Now keep in mind that this ones criteria is affected by when the game was made and the ability of the hardware at the time.
Story - This one's subjective so it's totally ou to MY judgement, but basically it's originality, did it move you, keep you captivated... things like that.
Each of these catagories get a point value from 1 to 5 which are then added up to produce a "fair" score.
Then there is a fifth catagory:
Reviewer Bias - Basically one's all me whether I loved it or hated it that's it nothing else.
This is given a multiplier based on the point value to "bias" the final score (1 to 2.9 x.75) (3x1) (3.1 to 5 x 1.25) then all five scores are added up and divded by five and then you have your "biased" score.
Alright, so now we have our criteria, let's review a game shall we?
So I was trying to figure out what game to review and it hit me... why not review a game that I have played more than any other game I've ever played? But then I thought... Aren't I supposed to review these games fairly?
Ah the fuck with it! I fucking love this game and damn it I have always wanted to review it... So to hell with it... and I will try to review it fairly.
So I here it is the the first "OneTrueVideoGameReview"...
"Final Fantasy VII
Gameplay: The pickup and play couldn't be any easier, as for the "learning curve"... materia is KING no system before (Espers are arguable but not in my opinion) or since has been easier and I wish they'd bring it back, no camera or control problems (we'll get to control problems one day, thn watch out!!), the only complaint battling can become tedious. Score:4.5
Sound: Beautiful absolutely beautiful, however gets a notch down because not as good as FFVI (The Opera Scene is still a Killer). Score:4.75
Graphics: Excellent for it's day, some of the CGI was breathtaking... (the weapons esaping Oh My God!!), some of it could have been better. I think that the field characters were a little blocky, and some of the CGI videos were sub par so the could deliver those breathtakers... Still very good. Score 4.5
Story: I don't care what anybody says, this IS the greatest story of all the Final Fantasies, VIII is close, and you can get that VI BULLSHIT out of your mind... I mean Aeris DIES for cryin' out loud... ("What about General Leo?" "Not A Major Character...) She gets Run THROUGH by Sephiroth... Dropping From The Celing... AFTER... Cloud Can't Quite Do The Deed... Oh yeah, and she's praying for Holy to save the World at the time... ("But...what about grand...pa..." "You Can Save Him, Just Bring Him Healthy Fish." "Well You Can Resurr..." "No You CAN"T Just SHUT UP!(SMACK!!)") And Cloud fell in love with her... ("But Locke's Girlfriend..." "BOO FREAKIN" HOO... AND I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!!(SMACK!!)") So there you are the greatest, and only one reason why. Score:5pts
Reviewer Bias: I Love This Game!!! Score:5pts
Fair Score: 4.68 out of 5
Biased Score: 5pts out of 5pts
Now then, on to the subject of the day, or night as the case may be. My new feature, which I hope to make a semi-regular thing here at the "Sephiroth Show"...I gveyou: "TheonetrueVideoGameReview"... TA DA...
... ... (total silents, crickets chirruping)... (fine... you want to be like that, then I don't need you, ill do it any way ) ... (Jesus Christ!! I didnt realise un til just this moment how drunk i truely am ). Oh, SHIT!! I all most forgot, first we need a word from or sponsor.
(But first, please exccuse me, whilst I take a piss, and have a smoke, Ill only be but a moment.)
And now, a word from our sponsor...
(And try to rememberpeople, that this is FUCKING SATIRE!!!!! So if you're offended, and cannnot remember taht one simple fact, then you know what you can do... EAT A MOTHERFUCKING BEASTCOCK! That's right, I donot suffer fools with out a sendse of humor lightly, GOT IT!!!)
(Shot of a man dressed in a very LOUD Cowboy outfit, hes the announcer [rrmminicent ofd the one Michael J. Fox started out in when he went bach to 1887 in "BTTF3"]. He's a complete redneck in every way. Fast music plays in the back ground [Country, or some kind of irritating Hillbilly Bluegrass].)
Redneck Announcer (Loudly, to get your atenttion): Whoooo doooogie!! Pardner, have I got sumpin' fur you!
RA (Still Loud): Friends! Are you tired of that Neighbor who always takes advantage of your hosspitality, borraws things, and never returns them...
Low Voice: "I need your chain saw Flanders."
Flanders: "Shure Homer. Do Didly Doo you promise to return it in working condition, along with all the other stuff you've borrowed?"
Homer: "Huh... what... Suuuure yeah..... Bye!"
RA: "Or how 'bout outright jus' steals yer stuff..."
Homer: Hmm, Flanders' garage is open, and a big screen T.V. seems to just be sitting there, on a cart, all alone, and no body's around (mmm, big screen T.V... agghhhggg...)
RA (Louder now): How about that Neighbor that's always throwing garbage in oyur back yard... like his babies' dirty diapers!!...
(SSSPPLLLAAATTT!!!)
RA (Softer now, almost conspiritorialy): or haow about the one who's sleeping with your wife??
Low Moaning Female Voice: "Oh Harold!!!"
Low Moaning Male Voice: "Oh Marcia!!!
RA (Normal Toans): Well, Shooot! Ain't that a fuckin' kick in the teeth. But we cain't stop there now can we? Let us not forgit about those annoyin kids... you know the ones... the ones that play their LOUD, SQUEALIN', rock & roll "music"...
(Cue LOUD, SQUAELING, ROCK & ROOL Music..)
G'N'R: "WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!!"
RA (Voice Dripping With Venom): Or their annoyin' crap "muuusic"...
(Cue LOUD RAP Music...)
Snoop Doog: "WIT' SO MUCH DRAMA IN THE LBC IT'S KINDA' HARD BIENG SNOOP D, O, DOUBLE G, BUT I, SOME HOW, SOME WAY, KEEP COMIN' UP WIT' FUNKY ASS SHIT LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY..."
RA (Loudler, More Venom): Turn dounuts in you front lawn...
(Sound of an engine revving loudly, tires spinning in dirt, screaming youts)
Drunken Teen #1: "FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!!!"
Drunken Teen #2: "YEAH, EAT A DICK COCKSUCKER!!"
RA (Yelling): ...Nail a dead kitten to your door...
(meow)
RA (Still Yelling): What a waste of good roadkill!!
(Now Back To A Shot Of The Redneck Announcer, He Removes Hat, And Drops Voice, His Tone Is Fild With Shame, Even More Poison, And It Seem He's Holing Back Tears...)
RA: Or, the final insult... Those sons a bitches, who have NO! respect (Stops To Choak Back Tears) fer nuthin'... (Composes Himself) Steal the baby Jesus, Our Lord, and Savior... (Begins To Cry) From your outdoor Manger display aronnd Christmas, and then... (He Really Begin To "Make The Sale" ) The Final Fuckin' GODDAMN INJURY, they return it... (Dramatic Pause.....) (Now He Gathers Up All The Venom, Passion, Fire And Brimstone He Has Avalabl) ON MOTHERFUCKING EASTER SUNDAY...!!! ON THE GODDAMN RESURRECTION...!!!
(Cue Loud Booming Godlike Athouratative Voice...)
Godlike Voice: HE HAS RISEN...!!!
RA (Yelling): THAT AIN'T FUNNY, DUDE, THAT AIN'T FUCKIN' FUNNY!! YOU, OUT THERE, YOU LISTENIN', YOU SHOW SOME RESPECT TO THE SAVIOR, GODDAMN IT!!
Me: Sorry
RA: That's better.
(The Announcer Composes Himself, Pull A Handkerchief From Shirt Pocket And Wipes Face, He Also Putts His Hat Back On. Now He Gose Into "The Pitch"...)
RA: So, what can you do about these cocksuckers... hmm? Well, you dont have to git mad, you dont even have to git even... (you like that one?) all you have to do is Deter (vt. To Keep Or Dicourage (A Person Or People) From Doing Something By Instilling Fear, Anxiety, Doubt, Etc.) them, and how do you do that? With this...
(Show Product... Which Looks Like Nothing More Than A Large Briefcase, With A Keypad Set Into The Right Hand Side. Cue Athoritative Voice Over.)
Athoritative Voice Over: 'THE ASS BLASTER TEN MILLION!!"
Redneck Announcer: That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, "The Ass Blaster Ten Million". The latest in home security, well home deterrence really. Now, finally legal in all 50 States, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Ilsands.
RA: "The Ass Blaster Ten Million" is a small "Thermo-Nuclear Device" of highly enriched Uranium, (our company got it from the Russians years ago to build reactors, but that went the way of the Dodo, so now...) and the yield is close to One Hundred and Fifty Kilotons!!!
RA: How big is that? Well that's about the size our Brillant Commander in Chief, The President of The United States, George W. Bush, wants to start testing as a bunker bustin bomb, and...(breaking that BULLSHIT Nuclear Test Ban Treaty, possibly creating another arms race, (wouldn't that be lovely for this company) and the whole world can take a Flyin' Fuck!!)... creating an actual practical use Nuclear Weapon... (that only the U.S., aaand maybe our allys can have) ... God Bless Him. Anyway thats how big One Hundred and Fifty Kilotons is, and thats big enough to decimate your block, the next block, the block after that, and the surrounding blocks for miiiiiiles around, for decades to come. So remember the worlds first name in Home Deterrence...
(Cue Loud Athouritative Voice)
LAV: 'THE ASS BLASTER TEN MILLION!!"
(Back To Redneck Anouncer As He Delivers The Product's Tag Line Annoying Country Or Hillbilly Bluegrass Begins Again.)
RA: "The Ass Blaster Ten Million".....Don't Be The Only Person On Your Block NOT Practicing Nuclear Deterrence!!!"
(Fade To Black, Cue Soft Voice Over.)
Soft Voice Over: "The Ass Blaster Ten Million, get it every where. New from FUArms.
(MORE PISS! MORE CIG!!
)
Well, thank you very much, and now, with out furthur ado.. "TheOneTrueVideoGameReview".
Here's how I will rate The Video Game I choose...
Each game will judged in four different catagories
Gameplay - How easy the game is to pick up and play, the so called "Learning Curve", plus things like controller and camera issues.
Sound - Pertty srtaight forward... How well the sound meshes with the game your playing, do the effects and score (if applicable) irritate, and intrude on the overall game playing experience.
Graphics - Again straight forward... How "Pretty" is the game. Now keep in mind that this ones criteria is affected by when the game was made and the ability of the hardware at the time.
Story - This one's subjective so it's totally ou to MY judgement, but basically it's originality, did it move you, keep you captivated... things like that.
Each of these catagories get a point value from 1 to 5 which are then added up to produce a "fair" score.
Then there is a fifth catagory:
Reviewer Bias - Basically one's all me whether I loved it or hated it that's it nothing else.
This is given a multiplier based on the point value to "bias" the final score (1 to 2.9 x.75) (3x1) (3.1 to 5 x 1.25) then all five scores are added up and divded by five and then you have your "biased" score.
Alright, so now we have our criteria, let's review a game shall we?
So I was trying to figure out what game to review and it hit me... why not review a game that I have played more than any other game I've ever played? But then I thought... Aren't I supposed to review these games fairly?
Ah the fuck with it! I fucking love this game and damn it I have always wanted to review it... So to hell with it... and I will try to review it fairly.
So I here it is the the first "OneTrueVideoGameReview"...
"Final Fantasy VII
Gameplay: The pickup and play couldn't be any easier, as for the "learning curve"... materia is KING no system before (Espers are arguable but not in my opinion) or since has been easier and I wish they'd bring it back, no camera or control problems (we'll get to control problems one day, thn watch out!!), the only complaint battling can become tedious. Score:4.5
Sound: Beautiful absolutely beautiful, however gets a notch down because not as good as FFVI (The Opera Scene is still a Killer). Score:4.75
Graphics: Excellent for it's day, some of the CGI was breathtaking... (the weapons esaping Oh My God!!), some of it could have been better. I think that the field characters were a little blocky, and some of the CGI videos were sub par so the could deliver those breathtakers... Still very good. Score 4.5
Story: I don't care what anybody says, this IS the greatest story of all the Final Fantasies, VIII is close, and you can get that VI BULLSHIT out of your mind... I mean Aeris DIES for cryin' out loud... ("What about General Leo?" "Not A Major Character...) She gets Run THROUGH by Sephiroth... Dropping From The Celing... AFTER... Cloud Can't Quite Do The Deed... Oh yeah, and she's praying for Holy to save the World at the time... ("But...what about grand...pa..." "You Can Save Him, Just Bring Him Healthy Fish." "Well You Can Resurr..." "No You CAN"T Just SHUT UP!(SMACK!!)") And Cloud fell in love with her... ("But Locke's Girlfriend..." "BOO FREAKIN" HOO... AND I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!!(SMACK!!)") So there you are the greatest, and only one reason why. Score:5pts
Reviewer Bias: I Love This Game!!! Score:5pts
Fair Score: 4.68 out of 5
Biased Score: 5pts out of 5pts