Apparently, today, at least in the US, is National Coming Out Day (the UK celebrates tomorrow for some reason, I blame timezones), so in the spirit of passive aggressive activism I submit that I AM BISEXUAL (of course if you're on SuicideGirls, or OKC, you already know this by looking at my profile). I've known this for years, and never really thought enough about it to make it a "thing" I needed to express or shout off the rooftops, but lately, like a few months ago, I realized I had gotten into the habit of being evasive around the topic -for a very specific reason, more on this later- so I just decided I wasn't going to be evasive about it anymore. I'm bisexual, or whatever better term might be applied to it in the future. I'm attracted to both men and women.
And since I have all this space -and since the football game is rather boring ("pigskin" kind not "kicking" kind... can't find any soccer on TV right now), I've decided I should probably dispel some myths about bisexuality... or at least *my* bisexuality.
1. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BISEXUAL: On the contrary I believe most people have a little bit of bisexuality in them, and in my, admittedly limited, experience, I think what it comes down to most times is cultural expectations and the propriety attached to what each gender "is supposed to do." Not to get "all feminist" but women are often viewed as more (or just) sexual beings, so if they express themselves sexually, even with another woman, it's just "hot" (*I* certainly don't have a problem watching two women kiss, just sayin. . Men are generally regarded as stoic aggressors, adventurers (in and out of the sexual arena), protectors and providers, etc... but not as overtly sexual beings (their passions are generally geared towards violence...). Sexual expression is a woman's "role," so if a man expresses himself sexually with another man at least one of them is suffering a role reversal because, surely, they can't *both* be the aggressor (in the case of two women, by the way, the "aggressor" is the man who gets to watch, both women are essentially in the "service" position; this is why "butch" lesbians are so reviled... they don't provide "eye candy"). It isn't that men aren't attracted to one another, just that society does not accept two men expressing this attraction as readily as they might "reward" two women (and I use the term "reward" loosely here). Generally speaking -and this is, admittedly, a HUGE generalization, again- two women making out is "every man's dream" and is usually the main event at your typical frat party, but receiving cat calls and a streaming video on YouTube, while annoying at best or embarrassing at worst, isn't the same as being called a fag and getting your ass kicked for kissing another man at that same frat party....
2. BISEXUALS ARE JUST GREEDY: I'm not even sure what this means. I've never cheated on a partner in my life (though I have been *cheated on,* no less than twice, that I know of at least, by two women who labeled themselves serial monogamists... but that's another topic). Just because I'm attracted to someone, male or female, doesn't mean I'll act on it. And in this I'm apparently in the minority, because I know plenty of fuckheads who just leave trails of broken hearts behind them and are quick to blame the "crazy bitch" or the "whiny guy" that they used for a momentary fling. Most of the people I know who do this -that is, fuck 'em and leave 'em- self identify as straight. I've had a few "fuck buddies" and "flings" in my time (and frankly prefer them to "dating"), but I've always tried to be as upfront as possible about these kinds of relationships as I conducted them, and bailed out quickly if I was having second thoughts. So much for being a greedy sex addict...
3. BISEXUALS ARE PERVERTS: This, of course, depends on one's definition of perversion. If any sort of homosexuality is perverted to you, then I got nothing. But if you're talking about specifics: Oral sex? I've done that with more straight women than with guys. Everybody does it. Seriously. Everybody. Anal sex? I've never had anal sex (passive or active). I think it's gross (sorry). Mutual masturbation? If you have a problem with *this* even, than maybe you shouldn't be having sex at all, regardless of your orientation. Making out/fondling? Again, seriously, if you have a problem kissing another human being or simply touching them then just forget about sex and go crochet or something. I'm not about to use this blog to get into the specifics of what I'm into or not into (I know plenty of people don't want the visuals anyway), but, seriously, I'm no less "perverted" today than I was before I realized I was bi. Which isn't to say that I'm not, perverted (I really kind of am, sorry), but that has nothing to do with the fact that I kiss guys sometimes...
4. IF YOU DON'T HAVE REGULAR SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX, YOU'RE NOT GAY/BI: The "quota" rule, as I call it, is ridiculous, insulting, and more than a little gross. My sexual identity doesn't make me a slut or a sexual predator, and I shouldn't have to "gay up" every few months to maintain my membership in the "bi" club, but this was the impression that I got when I came out to a few of my friends and associates a few months ago. Someone even asked me, point blank "When was the last time you were with a man?" as if there was a cut off period. I wonder if straights lose their card if they haven't fucked a member of the opposite sex in, say, six months (and if they masturbate in that time does that make them gay now?).
To be blunt, and to go back to one of my earlier statements, about being evasive about my sexuality: I simply don't like most gay men that I meet, and every time it comes up in conversation, my sexuality, it seems like every gay/bisexual male in the room takes it as an invitation to try to jump my bones. The stereotype of the perverted gay man/bisexual man is very much fueled by these creeps that have no apparent measure of self control. Just because I like some men doesn't mean I like *you,* man, so just back the fuck off! If I like you you'll know (I'm always way more aggressive and flirtatious with receptive attractive guys than I am with gals in general... which causes me no end of grief, because in the end I'm pretty sure I prefer women more).
In fact, for as long as I've been in Greensboro, at least since '05, '06, since I got back from NYC, I haven't actively pursued any sort of sexual relationship with any man at all (there were a few "passive-aggressive" pursuits but I don't really count those). Flamboyant gays are just annoying (sorry, I take a dim view on emotive displays in general), and closet gays make me sad (and are often neurotic... from having to lie to everyone about being gay), and since I have yet to find that perfect balance in a guy around here, the "normal" bi -one who isn't an activist or working out some trauma or other- I've given up on my own sex while I live in Greensboro. I don't really like the idea of "dating" a guy anyway, to be honest. I have a few bi male friends I'm attracted to, and one that I *might* actively pursue if I was sure it wouldn't be so weird (might be "weird" enough just admitting it on a blog he might read, since he'll probably know I'm talking about him if he reads this). All of my straight male friends know which of them I'm attracted to, only because they asked, but they also know I would never act on it.
So that's it. I'm bisexual, have been for years. Still not gonna go march in any bloody parade though....
And since I have all this space -and since the football game is rather boring ("pigskin" kind not "kicking" kind... can't find any soccer on TV right now), I've decided I should probably dispel some myths about bisexuality... or at least *my* bisexuality.
1. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BISEXUAL: On the contrary I believe most people have a little bit of bisexuality in them, and in my, admittedly limited, experience, I think what it comes down to most times is cultural expectations and the propriety attached to what each gender "is supposed to do." Not to get "all feminist" but women are often viewed as more (or just) sexual beings, so if they express themselves sexually, even with another woman, it's just "hot" (*I* certainly don't have a problem watching two women kiss, just sayin. . Men are generally regarded as stoic aggressors, adventurers (in and out of the sexual arena), protectors and providers, etc... but not as overtly sexual beings (their passions are generally geared towards violence...). Sexual expression is a woman's "role," so if a man expresses himself sexually with another man at least one of them is suffering a role reversal because, surely, they can't *both* be the aggressor (in the case of two women, by the way, the "aggressor" is the man who gets to watch, both women are essentially in the "service" position; this is why "butch" lesbians are so reviled... they don't provide "eye candy"). It isn't that men aren't attracted to one another, just that society does not accept two men expressing this attraction as readily as they might "reward" two women (and I use the term "reward" loosely here). Generally speaking -and this is, admittedly, a HUGE generalization, again- two women making out is "every man's dream" and is usually the main event at your typical frat party, but receiving cat calls and a streaming video on YouTube, while annoying at best or embarrassing at worst, isn't the same as being called a fag and getting your ass kicked for kissing another man at that same frat party....
2. BISEXUALS ARE JUST GREEDY: I'm not even sure what this means. I've never cheated on a partner in my life (though I have been *cheated on,* no less than twice, that I know of at least, by two women who labeled themselves serial monogamists... but that's another topic). Just because I'm attracted to someone, male or female, doesn't mean I'll act on it. And in this I'm apparently in the minority, because I know plenty of fuckheads who just leave trails of broken hearts behind them and are quick to blame the "crazy bitch" or the "whiny guy" that they used for a momentary fling. Most of the people I know who do this -that is, fuck 'em and leave 'em- self identify as straight. I've had a few "fuck buddies" and "flings" in my time (and frankly prefer them to "dating"), but I've always tried to be as upfront as possible about these kinds of relationships as I conducted them, and bailed out quickly if I was having second thoughts. So much for being a greedy sex addict...
3. BISEXUALS ARE PERVERTS: This, of course, depends on one's definition of perversion. If any sort of homosexuality is perverted to you, then I got nothing. But if you're talking about specifics: Oral sex? I've done that with more straight women than with guys. Everybody does it. Seriously. Everybody. Anal sex? I've never had anal sex (passive or active). I think it's gross (sorry). Mutual masturbation? If you have a problem with *this* even, than maybe you shouldn't be having sex at all, regardless of your orientation. Making out/fondling? Again, seriously, if you have a problem kissing another human being or simply touching them then just forget about sex and go crochet or something. I'm not about to use this blog to get into the specifics of what I'm into or not into (I know plenty of people don't want the visuals anyway), but, seriously, I'm no less "perverted" today than I was before I realized I was bi. Which isn't to say that I'm not, perverted (I really kind of am, sorry), but that has nothing to do with the fact that I kiss guys sometimes...
4. IF YOU DON'T HAVE REGULAR SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX, YOU'RE NOT GAY/BI: The "quota" rule, as I call it, is ridiculous, insulting, and more than a little gross. My sexual identity doesn't make me a slut or a sexual predator, and I shouldn't have to "gay up" every few months to maintain my membership in the "bi" club, but this was the impression that I got when I came out to a few of my friends and associates a few months ago. Someone even asked me, point blank "When was the last time you were with a man?" as if there was a cut off period. I wonder if straights lose their card if they haven't fucked a member of the opposite sex in, say, six months (and if they masturbate in that time does that make them gay now?).
To be blunt, and to go back to one of my earlier statements, about being evasive about my sexuality: I simply don't like most gay men that I meet, and every time it comes up in conversation, my sexuality, it seems like every gay/bisexual male in the room takes it as an invitation to try to jump my bones. The stereotype of the perverted gay man/bisexual man is very much fueled by these creeps that have no apparent measure of self control. Just because I like some men doesn't mean I like *you,* man, so just back the fuck off! If I like you you'll know (I'm always way more aggressive and flirtatious with receptive attractive guys than I am with gals in general... which causes me no end of grief, because in the end I'm pretty sure I prefer women more).
In fact, for as long as I've been in Greensboro, at least since '05, '06, since I got back from NYC, I haven't actively pursued any sort of sexual relationship with any man at all (there were a few "passive-aggressive" pursuits but I don't really count those). Flamboyant gays are just annoying (sorry, I take a dim view on emotive displays in general), and closet gays make me sad (and are often neurotic... from having to lie to everyone about being gay), and since I have yet to find that perfect balance in a guy around here, the "normal" bi -one who isn't an activist or working out some trauma or other- I've given up on my own sex while I live in Greensboro. I don't really like the idea of "dating" a guy anyway, to be honest. I have a few bi male friends I'm attracted to, and one that I *might* actively pursue if I was sure it wouldn't be so weird (might be "weird" enough just admitting it on a blog he might read, since he'll probably know I'm talking about him if he reads this). All of my straight male friends know which of them I'm attracted to, only because they asked, but they also know I would never act on it.
So that's it. I'm bisexual, have been for years. Still not gonna go march in any bloody parade though....
I agree with what you are saying (although from a girl perspective obviously). I am bi, have been since I can remember. I just happen to prefer boys for relationships and girls for one night stands. The reasoning, I am a girl, and I think girls are way too much effort to have a relationship with. (No offense to any girls, maybe I just havent found the 'right' girl).
Pity you dont want to join the parade though... parades seem like so much fun (Just the general idea of them at least).