"the chill of january"
my world was shook in the chill of january
the cold of that night echoed the cold in my heart
as my tearstained face and frightened voice
screamed my terror of news yet unknown
my heart failed to comprehend the loss
of someone who i never thought i could mourn
of someone who i never thought really cared
how foolish i was to think such things
what a fool i was to say that i hated you
to say that i wouldnt care if you died
to wish it on you even, to hope for it
i could never have been more wrong
how much hate i hold for myself now
almost a year after you left this earthly plane
for everything i did to you and for everything
i wish i would have done instead
how queer it is that one cold january night
could hold such a deafening truth
and such terrible things for a 17 year old soul
that couldnt comprehend your death
the only thoughts were evil and so terribly wrong
too late to see these things now, i suppose
too late to fix old mistakes and make amends
too late for anything but regret
in the chill of january, my life changed forever
in the chill of january, my heart made a terrible realization
my heart felt regret which it had never felt before
and my heart was broken, which it will be forever
(december 2005)