Things, overall, I have to say are going pretty well.
That sounds like it would be the end of a journal entry, the conclusion. But honestly for me it's the beginning. See, alot of shit has happened over the last few years and more and more I've realized I have no fucking clue who I am. I struggled with that for so long, trying everything to figure out where i belonged. Then recently, during one of my counseling sessions (yah, I'm seeing a shrink. It really does do a body good. If anything else it's somebody to bitch to when your friends and family get sick of hearing it.) it occurred to me.... It's okay that I don't know! I'm only 26, I don't HAVE to know right now! I need to work on some things before I can start to figure out who I truly am.
Like my health. I've lost 30 lbs since the baby was born, and it's not all baby weight, like I'm really starting to feel healthy. I'm getting on the right insulin regimen, and most importantly... the right PSYCH MED regimen. The old, half assed regimen I had been following from my primary care just wasn't cutting it. Effexor maxed out, neurontin twice a day maxed out... starting to pop xanax like candy for my anxiety.... then a month ago I had a total crisis again, except this time I couldn't go into the hospital because first and foremost I am MOM. took me TWO FREGGIN' WEEKS to get into see a new psychiatrist, he asked me every thing except my shoe size, and handed me a new set of scripts. He says to me, "I've been doing this a long time, and by now I'd say 95% of the time I'm dead on." So I started his med regimen... Celexa, still on neurontin just a WAY lower dose, tranxene so I won't need the xanax ever... and the thing he stressed the most was a multivitamin. You know what? It's 4, no 5 weeks later and I feel great. I feel like myself again. He definately WAS dead on with these meds. I don't feel doped or zombied, I feel like Kylie again. Still obnoxious, too loud, annoying sometimes, still loveable, still creative, and still passionate - about everything - myself again.
So this brings me back to the first statement. Things, overall, I have to say are going pretty well. Now that I've taken care of ME and I feel healthy again, I can start focusing on other things that need attention. I'm spending more quality time with my baby and feeling like her mom instead of just feeling like a bored babysitter. I'm starting to feel more like Jimmy's hottie little girlfriend again instead of his WIFE. ( I admitted to him tonight that I hate the whole 'marriage' and 'wife' stigma. It's so not sexy. Bleh. He doesn't like it much either.) We've admitted that our sex life is nonexistant, and what IS barely there is more of a chore than a pleasure. We used to have some fantastically hot sex back in the day, but now that we're 'married' (ugh, here it comes again) there's no passion. We agreed tonight to really make the conscious effort to work on it, especially now that the semester is over this week. Work will start improving once I go back lol... I was out 3 weeks for my mental crisis, back for 5 days, then I've been out the last week for PNEUMONIA. Ugh, can't win! LOL, but that's treatable so I'm not stressing.
Finals are this upcoming week, I take my neuro exam wednesday and my cumulative final on thursday. I took my renal exam this past wednesday and though I went in there with a fever and hacking up a lung, I managed to pull a 90%.
Social life is... well... intersting... don't have much time for it right now but when I do, good lord there's never a dull moment. Although I have to say it's a very bad thing, I've realized when we go "out" I always need to have some kind of substance to have fun, alcohol or other party favors. That's bad!
So I have some things to work on, and have worked on others. Things, overall, I have to say are going pretty good.
That sounds like it would be the end of a journal entry, the conclusion. But honestly for me it's the beginning. See, alot of shit has happened over the last few years and more and more I've realized I have no fucking clue who I am. I struggled with that for so long, trying everything to figure out where i belonged. Then recently, during one of my counseling sessions (yah, I'm seeing a shrink. It really does do a body good. If anything else it's somebody to bitch to when your friends and family get sick of hearing it.) it occurred to me.... It's okay that I don't know! I'm only 26, I don't HAVE to know right now! I need to work on some things before I can start to figure out who I truly am.
Like my health. I've lost 30 lbs since the baby was born, and it's not all baby weight, like I'm really starting to feel healthy. I'm getting on the right insulin regimen, and most importantly... the right PSYCH MED regimen. The old, half assed regimen I had been following from my primary care just wasn't cutting it. Effexor maxed out, neurontin twice a day maxed out... starting to pop xanax like candy for my anxiety.... then a month ago I had a total crisis again, except this time I couldn't go into the hospital because first and foremost I am MOM. took me TWO FREGGIN' WEEKS to get into see a new psychiatrist, he asked me every thing except my shoe size, and handed me a new set of scripts. He says to me, "I've been doing this a long time, and by now I'd say 95% of the time I'm dead on." So I started his med regimen... Celexa, still on neurontin just a WAY lower dose, tranxene so I won't need the xanax ever... and the thing he stressed the most was a multivitamin. You know what? It's 4, no 5 weeks later and I feel great. I feel like myself again. He definately WAS dead on with these meds. I don't feel doped or zombied, I feel like Kylie again. Still obnoxious, too loud, annoying sometimes, still loveable, still creative, and still passionate - about everything - myself again.
So this brings me back to the first statement. Things, overall, I have to say are going pretty well. Now that I've taken care of ME and I feel healthy again, I can start focusing on other things that need attention. I'm spending more quality time with my baby and feeling like her mom instead of just feeling like a bored babysitter. I'm starting to feel more like Jimmy's hottie little girlfriend again instead of his WIFE. ( I admitted to him tonight that I hate the whole 'marriage' and 'wife' stigma. It's so not sexy. Bleh. He doesn't like it much either.) We've admitted that our sex life is nonexistant, and what IS barely there is more of a chore than a pleasure. We used to have some fantastically hot sex back in the day, but now that we're 'married' (ugh, here it comes again) there's no passion. We agreed tonight to really make the conscious effort to work on it, especially now that the semester is over this week. Work will start improving once I go back lol... I was out 3 weeks for my mental crisis, back for 5 days, then I've been out the last week for PNEUMONIA. Ugh, can't win! LOL, but that's treatable so I'm not stressing.
Finals are this upcoming week, I take my neuro exam wednesday and my cumulative final on thursday. I took my renal exam this past wednesday and though I went in there with a fever and hacking up a lung, I managed to pull a 90%.
Social life is... well... intersting... don't have much time for it right now but when I do, good lord there's never a dull moment. Although I have to say it's a very bad thing, I've realized when we go "out" I always need to have some kind of substance to have fun, alcohol or other party favors. That's bad!
So I have some things to work on, and have worked on others. Things, overall, I have to say are going pretty good.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
rxqueen:
ichipulti:
well in Canada it is nurse's day - so happy nurse's day or should i say happy birthday to ms florence nightingale?