I just took a little road trip. Dallas to New York. It was lovely. Here's what I took away from it:
1) Every female over 19 in Dallas is married, engaged, or otherwise betrothed. But I already knew this. Just wanted to bitch about it again.
2) Oklahoma has the freshest fucking eggs I've ever eaten.
3) Just because a road on the atlas is numbered, doesn't mean it's a big road with multiple lanes that will get you somewhere fast, it just means that no one is creative enough to name it.
4) Even the "bullshit" ribs I consumed in Memphis are better than any I've had in New York. I'll bet that's a fuckin' shocker, huh?
5) The bracelet I bought for $10 that got me out of paying a cover at several of the bars on Beale street may have been a total ripoff, but I looked awesome wearing it the next day.
6) "How you doin'?" is a good ice breaker in Memphis, but it won't close the deal for you. You need to be wearing a shirt without a collar.
7) Kentucky has more orange traffic barrels than any other state in the union. There were seemingly endless stretches of highway lined on both sides with these things. It was baffling.
8) There are stretches of road in Kentucky where gas stations don't appear for 100 miles. This is the cause of at least 20 miles of "holy shit we're gonna run out of fucking gas and I don't have shit for cell phone reception so we're gonna end up squealing like pigs for some fucked up dudes with shotguns or machetes or bow-and-arrows or axes or some shit OH MY GOD I SEE A GAS STATION RIGHT THERE...GODDAMNIT! THAT'S THE FOURTH ONE THAT'S CLOSED DOWN! Dude, pass the jerky, I fuckin' starving over here."
9) The local baptist church and the local adult book shop not only have the same advertising budget, they've hired the same advertising firm. Billboards alternate between temptations, ideas to swing you in one of the two directions that comprise the choice at every man's core. Do I want to see three midgets, a donkey, four Vegas showgirls, a giant football helmet filled with cottage cheese, and a pregnant woman dressed like Santa engage in all manner of sexual sophistication, or do I want everlasting salvation? I can't decide. I'll wait for more billboards.
10) West Virginia is at the same time the most beautiful and depressing State in the union.
11) Charleston, WV looks better at night.
12) Radar detectors are worth every damn penny, and don't let anyone tell you different.
13) That little wireless gadget that broadcasts what's playing on your ipod to a radio station in the car is invaluable. If you lose this device, you will be forced to actually think of something to say every fifteen minutes.
14) McDonalds breakfast, although delicious, might just kill you all by itself.
and finally
15) If you forgot the Gold Bond, well then, I guess you're just a rookie now, aren't ya?
Y'all.
1) Every female over 19 in Dallas is married, engaged, or otherwise betrothed. But I already knew this. Just wanted to bitch about it again.
2) Oklahoma has the freshest fucking eggs I've ever eaten.
3) Just because a road on the atlas is numbered, doesn't mean it's a big road with multiple lanes that will get you somewhere fast, it just means that no one is creative enough to name it.
4) Even the "bullshit" ribs I consumed in Memphis are better than any I've had in New York. I'll bet that's a fuckin' shocker, huh?
5) The bracelet I bought for $10 that got me out of paying a cover at several of the bars on Beale street may have been a total ripoff, but I looked awesome wearing it the next day.
6) "How you doin'?" is a good ice breaker in Memphis, but it won't close the deal for you. You need to be wearing a shirt without a collar.
7) Kentucky has more orange traffic barrels than any other state in the union. There were seemingly endless stretches of highway lined on both sides with these things. It was baffling.
8) There are stretches of road in Kentucky where gas stations don't appear for 100 miles. This is the cause of at least 20 miles of "holy shit we're gonna run out of fucking gas and I don't have shit for cell phone reception so we're gonna end up squealing like pigs for some fucked up dudes with shotguns or machetes or bow-and-arrows or axes or some shit OH MY GOD I SEE A GAS STATION RIGHT THERE...GODDAMNIT! THAT'S THE FOURTH ONE THAT'S CLOSED DOWN! Dude, pass the jerky, I fuckin' starving over here."
9) The local baptist church and the local adult book shop not only have the same advertising budget, they've hired the same advertising firm. Billboards alternate between temptations, ideas to swing you in one of the two directions that comprise the choice at every man's core. Do I want to see three midgets, a donkey, four Vegas showgirls, a giant football helmet filled with cottage cheese, and a pregnant woman dressed like Santa engage in all manner of sexual sophistication, or do I want everlasting salvation? I can't decide. I'll wait for more billboards.
10) West Virginia is at the same time the most beautiful and depressing State in the union.
11) Charleston, WV looks better at night.
12) Radar detectors are worth every damn penny, and don't let anyone tell you different.
13) That little wireless gadget that broadcasts what's playing on your ipod to a radio station in the car is invaluable. If you lose this device, you will be forced to actually think of something to say every fifteen minutes.
14) McDonalds breakfast, although delicious, might just kill you all by itself.
and finally
15) If you forgot the Gold Bond, well then, I guess you're just a rookie now, aren't ya?
Y'all.
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including the delta force and invasion usa. so i'm sure he could handle Airwolf.