numbers

Well well well. I am still alive. This is a big shocker after the last few days.

I hit Miami. HARD.

Schedule:

Thursday evening: Depart Dallas for Miami. I sit in first class where a very nice gay flight attendant gets me shitfaced. He asks me what I'd like to drink.

He: What can I get you to drink?
Me: Just some water would be great.
He: You don't look like the kind of guy who drinks water on a Thursday night.
Me: I know, but I'm trying to be good.
He: Good is boring. What can I get you to drink.
Me: Vodka-soda with a lime please.
He: That's better. Double?
Me: If you insist.
[brings back the drink, I take a sip, entire face catches on fire]
Me: Would you consider just working as a bartender at every bar I frequent on a regular basis.

I'm shithoused when I get off the plane. There is no method to the madness of getting a taxi at Miami International. Hundreds of people are just standing there waiting for someone to tell them how the madness works. Two women who look VERY high maintenance look at me as I arrive at the curb like they can't believe they have to ask *me* a question, and here's our exchange:

Them: Do you know how this works?
Me: How what works?
Them: Getting a taxi.
Me: You put your hand up and start getting aggressive.
Them: That's what we've been doing for the last 20 minutes. Any other ideas?
Me: Maybe you're just doing it wrong. Watch me.
[I step off of the curb, put my hand up and point at a cab driver with no one in the car. Car pulls over. Before it's even stopped, I've got the door opened and throw my shit in the backseat. I rotate, flash shit-eating grin to the two girls, get in and close the door.]

I've been in Miami for 10 minutes and I've already infuriated two women.

Arrive at hotel, drop shit in my room, walk outside, get in cab, meet up with friends at a bar. Finish it off.

Friday:
Wake up, order breakfast, dial in to my conference call. Can barely eat because I've got my fingers crossed the whole time that I won't have to spend the rest of the day working. At the very end a huge request is made. I have subsequent call with two guys I work for. Our exchange:

Me: That sounds like a decent amount of work.
Boss: Damn right.
Me: By the way, the reason we don't have an office in Miami is because every time I look out of the window here all I see is bikinis.
Boss: You're totally worthless to me today aren't you?
Me: Just about.
Boss: Shit.
Me: [stays silent to let his conscience work]
Boss: Fuck. I'll do it. When will you be able to look at it.
Me: Monday afternoon.
Boss: You fucking suck. Go get drunk. I want stories.

Hey, boss said to go get drunk. I follow orders. I go to my buddies suite which might be the sickest hotel room I've ever seen. 15 cases of beer are delivered. A full bar's worth of booze shows up. I start drinking. I don't stop. It's hip hop weekend in Miami, so at 11pm I grab my face towel and head downstairs to "holla". This might just be the most underappreciated activity of all time. Several groups of women decide they'd like check out the penthouse. I kick some dude out of the hotel lobby for being a douche-bag. I black out. Great stuff.

Saturday:

Wake up early and head to breakfast. I have a marg on the rocks to normalize from last night. This inspires one of my buddies to suggest that we head to the poolside bar for some cocktails. It's 11am. Can't drink all day unless you start in the morning. I plan to drink all day. I'm chatting with three beautiful women who I apparently met the night before. They love me. Apparently I'm hysterical. They're all beautiful so I'm hoping I hooked up with one of them. I remember being alone with all three at different times now that we've been talking again, but the memory is still full of holes. One of our group exchanges [there were three of them, so I'll refer to them as 1, 2, and 3]

1: You were soooo funny last night.
Me: Well that's what happens when you drink all day.
1: We're hanging out tonight right? You promised we would, remember? Do you remember promising?
Me: Of course I do, I think it was right after we had that mind blowing sex.
1: We didn't have sex last night.
Me: Are you sure?
2: I'm pretty sure you two didn't sleep together last night.
Me: Oh yeah, we were going to, but then then *you* and I had that mindblowing sex and we were worried it would be weird.
2: We didn't sleep together either.
Me: [looks at 3 and winks] I think we've thrown them off. Now they'll never suspect that we
3: [cuts me off] had mindblowing sex last night?
Me: Exactly.
3: Only one problem with that. We didn't have sex either.
Me: Really? None of us? That sucks.
1: Guess what?
Me: What
1: We're all hanging out tonight too, and you still aren't going to get laid.

I take a two hour break to drink as much water as I can. We all start boozing again and all of a sudden these two women show up. Very attractive. One of them disappears with a friend of mine almost immediately. My odds are now terrible. Miraculously an entire bachelorette party steps off the elevator and distracts all of my friends for long enough for me to triumph out on the balcony.

Later, four strippers arrive. They stay until 6am. I wake up at 10am with the worst hangover I've ever had. I get on the plane and try not to throw up all the way back to Dallas. I barely make it to my hotel. I haven't left yet. Don't think I will. I feel like crap, but it was worth it. Oh sweet Jesus it was worth it.