Steps to recreating my weekend:
1. Load into car with Snoop Doggy Dogg's Doggystyle and the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City soundtrack as the prime sources of tunes.
2. Drive at varyingly high rates of speed to the Canadian border with two friends and don't speak the entire way except to express some sort of boredom.
3. Do not assume that the empty lane at the Canadian border has anything to do with the lane's booth being closed.
4. When you realize that you are indeed in a non-operational lane, roll down the windows and play Doggystyle as loudly as possible while yelling vaguely at all surrounding cars, "It's okay. We're Americans."
5. Be unamazed when you are allowed into an operational lane and eventually to Canada.
6. On the outskirts of Vancouver, park in an alley behind apartments in what to judge by all surrounding business signs is a Korean neighborhood and attempt to call the internet friend of your driver.
7. After the internet friend doesn't answer her phone, approach downtown Vancouver with the vague plan of getting a room and drunk--order being irrelevant.
8. Once in downtown, effect an inability to decide even where you want to stay.
9. Drive aimlessly until you near yet another bridge and at the last second perform an illegal u-turn as traffic is bearing down on you.
10. You are now free to navigate from "that one Chevron" to "the pink, Miami Vice hotel".
11. After by the grace of God you have found your hotel and purchased rooms, begin an expedition back to the seemingly Korean neighborhood of step 6 in order to acquire the internet friend.
12. Become so star struck by the sheer ridiculosity of the Ford heavy-duty truck stretched limo that you miss your turn and end up near Vancouver airport.
13. Attempt to point the befuddled Middle Eastern woman attempting to turn into a head-on crash with you away--you may or may not elect to try to point her into other incoming traffic while your ca rmates are more actually helpful.
14. Watch as passenger in rear seat is thrown bodily across the car in a much-too-fastly-taken u-turn and laugh.
15. Acquire the internet friend at her apartment and navigate back downtown to the "pink, Miami Vice hotel" without resorting to first finding "that one Chevron".
16. Become excited that the ur-limo is in front of your hotel and fuck up your chance to get a picture.
17. Go to a yuppie bar; drink sickly-sweet, underpowered, overpriced drinks; and ogle hottie, pompadour waitress.
18. Drunk-dial MisterSatan.
19. Buy expensive soaps and shampoos at Lush.
20. Walk a mile and a half looking for a promising club.
21. Stand in line at what looks to be a cowboy-themed club.
22. Realize that you have no currency with fanciful colors or pictures of wildlife.
23. Embark on odyssey to find an ATM that services the gods of VISA.
24. Return to cowboy-themed club, wait for ten minutes at specious velvet rope, and be irritated when everyone else in your party finally decides the club isn't worth a CDN $10 cover.
25. Walk a mile and a half back to the yuppie restaurant.
26. Try to get drunk on underpowered, overly-sweet concoctions while watching two guys hit on the same girl at once--even resorting to an open cock bragging competition.
27. Leave early.
28. Talk to girlfriend on the phone.
29. Puke from too much sugary syrup in your system--do so off your high-floor balcony.
30. Wake up and kill time until it is polite to wake others in traveling party.
31. Mutter, "How the fuck should I know?" when they ask where the youngest (sub-21-year-old) member of your party is not in the room with you--contend quite rightly that he was sharing a room with the driver and not you.
32. Begin assisting in search for missing member by assuring the worried driver that the chances of a kidnapping, raping, and selling-into white slavery of the missing is unlikely.
33. Call MisterSatan to share the hilarity.
34. Call MisterSatan again to share the hilarity of finding out that the missing has the car keys.
35. Begin diverse enterprises to find the missing--attempt to outsmart the overly dutiful desk clerks in the process.
36. Stumble onto the missing coming from the general direction of the sauna and pool, as that is the most logical place to look.
37. Begin new frantic hunt for the keys the missing lost sometime between falling down in the parking lot, getting into the car, and waking up nearly frozen to death.
38. While searching for keys piece together the story: the driver and the internet friend had apparently become amorous (witnesses claim that the finishing move was something like, "Look at that. It's midnight; time to make out."), and the now-third-wheel had realized he could not go to his room and waking you would be a death sentence and so had elected to sleep in the car.
39. Proclaim that you appreciate the healthy fear of you even as the car keys are found.
40. Walk a mile and a half, run into a parade, and walk back while looking for one restaurant that isn't swamped.
41. Have breakfast and Mimosas in a place with horrible service, cold marinara for ketchup, and interesting little green cards that you can flip over to have a waitress say, "You server will be right with you," but not do anything.
42. Attempt to leave downtown, but proceed at a rate of twelve blocks per hour due to the afore-mentioned parade.
43. Pass the time by listening to Snoop Dogg (impressive lyrics with a new lover in the car) and singing Sister Christian at the top of your lungs.
44. Drop internet friend off at her apartment.
45. Proceed to US border while inventing the phrase "spontaneous remix" to describe skipping CDs.
46. Feel giddy for getting through customs without needing to explain the yuppie soap.
47. Purchase large quantities of meat-like products at a gas station. When questioned about what you have, only reply, "Meat."
48. Stand amazed as the gas pump moves so slowly that you can actually count a second as the 1,000 of a gallon digit rolls by.
49. Finish the drive home in relatively good spirits even though the driver seems hopelessly naive, optimistic, and asleep at turns.
50. Watch National Treasure.
From all this we learn:
- Trips need at least some forethought
- Losing people in other countries is great
- The statement "It's okay; we're Americans" doesn't really help, but it is funny.
1. Load into car with Snoop Doggy Dogg's Doggystyle and the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City soundtrack as the prime sources of tunes.
2. Drive at varyingly high rates of speed to the Canadian border with two friends and don't speak the entire way except to express some sort of boredom.
3. Do not assume that the empty lane at the Canadian border has anything to do with the lane's booth being closed.
4. When you realize that you are indeed in a non-operational lane, roll down the windows and play Doggystyle as loudly as possible while yelling vaguely at all surrounding cars, "It's okay. We're Americans."
5. Be unamazed when you are allowed into an operational lane and eventually to Canada.
6. On the outskirts of Vancouver, park in an alley behind apartments in what to judge by all surrounding business signs is a Korean neighborhood and attempt to call the internet friend of your driver.
7. After the internet friend doesn't answer her phone, approach downtown Vancouver with the vague plan of getting a room and drunk--order being irrelevant.
8. Once in downtown, effect an inability to decide even where you want to stay.
9. Drive aimlessly until you near yet another bridge and at the last second perform an illegal u-turn as traffic is bearing down on you.
10. You are now free to navigate from "that one Chevron" to "the pink, Miami Vice hotel".
11. After by the grace of God you have found your hotel and purchased rooms, begin an expedition back to the seemingly Korean neighborhood of step 6 in order to acquire the internet friend.
12. Become so star struck by the sheer ridiculosity of the Ford heavy-duty truck stretched limo that you miss your turn and end up near Vancouver airport.
13. Attempt to point the befuddled Middle Eastern woman attempting to turn into a head-on crash with you away--you may or may not elect to try to point her into other incoming traffic while your ca rmates are more actually helpful.
14. Watch as passenger in rear seat is thrown bodily across the car in a much-too-fastly-taken u-turn and laugh.
15. Acquire the internet friend at her apartment and navigate back downtown to the "pink, Miami Vice hotel" without resorting to first finding "that one Chevron".
16. Become excited that the ur-limo is in front of your hotel and fuck up your chance to get a picture.
17. Go to a yuppie bar; drink sickly-sweet, underpowered, overpriced drinks; and ogle hottie, pompadour waitress.
18. Drunk-dial MisterSatan.
19. Buy expensive soaps and shampoos at Lush.
20. Walk a mile and a half looking for a promising club.
21. Stand in line at what looks to be a cowboy-themed club.
22. Realize that you have no currency with fanciful colors or pictures of wildlife.
23. Embark on odyssey to find an ATM that services the gods of VISA.
24. Return to cowboy-themed club, wait for ten minutes at specious velvet rope, and be irritated when everyone else in your party finally decides the club isn't worth a CDN $10 cover.
25. Walk a mile and a half back to the yuppie restaurant.
26. Try to get drunk on underpowered, overly-sweet concoctions while watching two guys hit on the same girl at once--even resorting to an open cock bragging competition.
27. Leave early.
28. Talk to girlfriend on the phone.
29. Puke from too much sugary syrup in your system--do so off your high-floor balcony.
30. Wake up and kill time until it is polite to wake others in traveling party.
31. Mutter, "How the fuck should I know?" when they ask where the youngest (sub-21-year-old) member of your party is not in the room with you--contend quite rightly that he was sharing a room with the driver and not you.
32. Begin assisting in search for missing member by assuring the worried driver that the chances of a kidnapping, raping, and selling-into white slavery of the missing is unlikely.
33. Call MisterSatan to share the hilarity.
34. Call MisterSatan again to share the hilarity of finding out that the missing has the car keys.
35. Begin diverse enterprises to find the missing--attempt to outsmart the overly dutiful desk clerks in the process.
36. Stumble onto the missing coming from the general direction of the sauna and pool, as that is the most logical place to look.
37. Begin new frantic hunt for the keys the missing lost sometime between falling down in the parking lot, getting into the car, and waking up nearly frozen to death.
38. While searching for keys piece together the story: the driver and the internet friend had apparently become amorous (witnesses claim that the finishing move was something like, "Look at that. It's midnight; time to make out."), and the now-third-wheel had realized he could not go to his room and waking you would be a death sentence and so had elected to sleep in the car.
39. Proclaim that you appreciate the healthy fear of you even as the car keys are found.
40. Walk a mile and a half, run into a parade, and walk back while looking for one restaurant that isn't swamped.
41. Have breakfast and Mimosas in a place with horrible service, cold marinara for ketchup, and interesting little green cards that you can flip over to have a waitress say, "You server will be right with you," but not do anything.
42. Attempt to leave downtown, but proceed at a rate of twelve blocks per hour due to the afore-mentioned parade.
43. Pass the time by listening to Snoop Dogg (impressive lyrics with a new lover in the car) and singing Sister Christian at the top of your lungs.
44. Drop internet friend off at her apartment.
45. Proceed to US border while inventing the phrase "spontaneous remix" to describe skipping CDs.
46. Feel giddy for getting through customs without needing to explain the yuppie soap.
47. Purchase large quantities of meat-like products at a gas station. When questioned about what you have, only reply, "Meat."
48. Stand amazed as the gas pump moves so slowly that you can actually count a second as the 1,000 of a gallon digit rolls by.
49. Finish the drive home in relatively good spirits even though the driver seems hopelessly naive, optimistic, and asleep at turns.
50. Watch National Treasure.
From all this we learn:
- Trips need at least some forethought
- Losing people in other countries is great
- The statement "It's okay; we're Americans" doesn't really help, but it is funny.
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