northern

I haven't updated in just over two weeks and I can't really explain why.

For about a week now, I've been feeling somewhat depressed.

Not incredibly depressed, as I have many times in the past, but more depressed than I've felt in the last few months.

It's an empty depression. No real reason.

A bit of this, a bit of that, the sum of which is still pretty minimal.

I'll give you an example.

A week ago, I made the trek to Toronto for SG karaoke.

I'd been once before, and had a pretty good time. And this time, there would be a couple people attending who live much further away than myself - one in California, and one all the way in Taiwan. And since I had suggested karaoke to both of them, I figured the least I could do would be to attend and say hi. There were also two members - librarygirl and randbaek - who live near Toronto, but without a car, were far enough away that they wouldn't be able to attend on their own. librarygirl was the first person to add me a friend here. I figured I could pick them up and drop them off.

So I was killing a few birds with one trip.

The drive to Toronto was uneventful, but being a long weekend, took longer than usual.

I had my brand new mp3 player with me, so I was able to listen to some music and some podcasts, rather than the combination of static and crap music that I usually find on the radio.

I had talked to librarygirl the night before to get directions to their place and arrange a time. It's always nerve-wracking calling people, especially someone I've never spoken to before.

I was running behind schedule and called to change my arrival time. Stupid holiday traffic.

Thanks to very clear and accurate directions, I found their place easily.

We talked for awhile, had some cake, and watched their bunny hop around. They make a cute couple, and they're both really nice.

Then we set off for Toronto. We had time to kill, so I gave them a tour of downtown, including my trademark tour of where to find prostitutes. What can I say? I'm odd.

We then headed to the pub for karaoke.

Ack!

We were the first ones there!

I hate that!

I'm always torn about when to arrive for things. There's the part of me that wants to show up at pretty much the exact moment it's supposed to start. There's the part of me that dreads being the first person to arrive. There's the part of me that doesn't want to be the last person to arrive either. Yes, I probably overthink things.

We sat where people from SG said they normally sit. We ordered drinks and food.

We chatted.

Thankfully, just as I was starting to think that somehow no one else would show up, a few people started to arrive.

I didn't know them and they sat at a different table.

Then one person I had met before arrived. And sat with the other people.

She recognized me, and pointed at me, saying "You're not new", and then pointed to my companions, and said "You're new".

And, strangely, that was the extent of the conversation.

To be honest, I suppose I should have said something. After all, I think most people would have said, well, something, anything.

But I was too busy overthinking, and mulling over what had been said.

More people were arriving, and all were sitting at the other table.

Were we lepers?

One of the SG's visiting Toronto showed up, but didn't join any of the rest of us for an awfully long time.

The other, Dusti, who is actually from Toronto, but living in Taiwan, showed up, and also initially didn't join us.

But then, she and her girlfriend came over.

She recognized me, and they sat down with us.

Dusti is a breath of fresh air, and her girlfriend, Amanda, is so outgoing, it's a sight to behold. She really needs to join SG.

We talked with Dusti and Amanda for much of the evening.

I also got a chance to finally meet Dallas, though we didn't get much of a chance to talk.

I was only briefly able to speak to Twinkie.

And that was the evening.

At last call, I took librarygirl and randbaek home, and slowly made my own way home.

But I was disappointed in how things had gone.

I dropped social psychology after only a couple classes. The professor and I disagreed strongly about pornography, and he made it clear that he was right, pornography was evil, and I was foolish to think otherwise. Seemed kind of pointless to continue a class I figured I would fail.

If I had taken the class, I wonder if I would have learned how it is that in a group of no more than about 16 people, it's possible, in the course of three hours or so, to only speak to half of them.

How can I attend a small gathering for a few hours, and not even know who many of the people are by the end of it?

I want to make it clear though, I don't blame anyone else.

Perhaps they're as paralysed by the fear of saying hi as I am.

All I know, is that as easy as getting up and walking a few feet away and saying hi sounds, it's not easy.

During the evening, there were several times when I may have come close, but it just somehow never materialized.

I could visualize it though. Because it seems so easy.

I've seen people do it. Lots of times.

But going up to strangers and saying hello is just plain scary, and I kept chickening out.

After I dropped off my passengers, I drove for a bit, and then decided to stop at a rest area for a few hours and grab some sleep, rather than go straight home.

I kept replaying the evening in my head.

All through the next day, I kept mentally kicking myself for not having been more outgoing.

I took forever getting home, since I kept stopping to putter around, a slow lunch, stopping at an outlet mall, anything to delay getting home.

I think I was delaying for a couple reasons.

One was that my computer was at home, and that computer leads here, and that reminds me that I'm a loser when it comes to socializing.

The other was that I was already wallowing in self-pity.

I've had discussions with people about the way that depression seems to feed on itself. Your mind gets caught in this vicious cycle of feeling like crap, so you feel bad about feeling like crap, which makes you feel like crap even more.

If that makes any sense.

It's as though there's a perverse joy of sorts in feeling depressed.

There's a certain comfort to the feeling. If only because you're used to it.

It's like a favourite blanket.

Anyways, for the past week now, I've spent very little time on here, very little time online period.

I know that for most people, spending a few days away from SG isn't a big deal.

I was feeling miserable, and SG was, at least one the surface, the reason.

And I figured that avoiding it would make me feel better.

Actually, it didn't.

I still feel depressed.

I know that nothing as simple as a website is to blame. Besides, I may even have been avoiding the site because it might hace made me feel better. I like being here. I like the people here. I like the discussions here.

And, as I said, sometimes when you're feeling depressed, you actually feel like wallowing in it for awhile.

If nothing else, I've demonstrated that I can, in fact, survive without the site for more than a couple hours at a time.

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In other news....



My buddy Jersey has gone live. She wasn't even in limbo for very long.

It's a great set, great theme, and she's absolutely charming to see.

So check her out.





I want to say hi to starchild228. She's become a wonderful real life friend the past few months.

We've clicked so well. Now if only she'll overcome her fears and agree to meet me. I'd be off to Iowa in a flash. I'm certain that we'd click in person too, and then, swoon, we'd make a great couple. She has this fear that I won't actually like her in person. I can't make any guarantees of course, but I like her so very much, I can't imagine not feeling that way upon meeting in person.

Tell her she needs to get over her fears and meet me.