noisemx

Not so pleasant days coming on the horizon as things are getting worse. My sleep is getting less and less and the dreams are still of very exacting detail. I only managed about two hours sleep through out all of last night and then I had to be at my ex's place to watch her daughter from quarter to nine until ten after three. I was oh so tired, but I made the day into a collection of field trips (the store, the bank, the little dam on the milwaukee river, a park, etc) just stuff to keep me awake. I layed on the couch with her around two thirty and fought quite hard to stay awake until her mom showed up. I then crawled to her bed and planned on a nap (being in no shape to drive). I fell asleep at three thirty, and woke histerical with tears at four fifteen. It took my ex about a half hour to calm me down, but she was not even completely successful. I needed to go home for familiar comofrt. I swereved from lane to lane on my drive home, my eyes still full of tears and the urge to slice up my skin to let the bad out through my blood (not suicidal at all, just a childish way of release). I have no idea the premise of what was the dream, but it killed me either way. I would have to say that this was the first time I considered giving in and drinking, but it was still easy enough to say no (knowing it wouldn't help at all). I just kind of sat and hid uner the blanket of music.

I am seriously fearing another nervous breakdown and I am unaware of what is causing it and why this happens to me. I have had two already and many close calls. Being locked up is far worse; being away from your friends and family is the toughest.

fuck.

Cheers to everyone else, and keep rocking out to music and finding new sounds to please your ears.

Music:
The Simpsons "A Fish Called Selma Medley"
Blacktop Cadence "I Don't Do Well In Social Situations"
and
Encyclopedia Of American Traitors "Repulsive"