(taken directly from live jorunal for lack of creativity and the patience to sit here and type some more).
9:15p
Hon, It's Brutal, Esty
Ahhh. I am in such a pissy frustrated mood.
My wrist has been a horrendous bitch of an appendage for the last twenty four hours. Nobody was too receptive to my ideas of chopping off my arm at the shoulder either. It made for a less than pleasant evening.
School starts tomorrow for most, of course including Epiphany. This is her first day of real school and she is naturally nervous. Kindergarten here in West Bend is now different then when I went for one main reason: kindergartners now school for a full day (with a nap time half way through). I am curious to see how she takes to being with strangers for a longer period of time. I am also curious to see in the long wrong, given I am part of the long run, how this helps her bonding with friends. I still occasionally talk to my first school friend ever made (Brandon Sarge) but obviously the bond is no longer there.
There are a lot of mental things floating around in my mind (where they are supposed to be I suppose), quite close to the surface of my eyelids. I am not good at handling things, never have been. Growing up, it was just accepted that if you had a problem with somebody, you fought and that was that. I decided a long while ago that I didn't like hurting people and so began hurting myself. That has become something else that is now no longer acceptable (mostly to those around me). I can't afford to break stuff and that is regarded as childish anyhow. I have always submerged myself in music, but that has served for years now as an enhancer, not a cover up. I don't want to turn into one of those people who are bound up and seething with rage and regret and just blow one day, taking themselves down and others with them (with my dislike for hurting others, this route of action is highly doubtful anyhow). I have never been considered a normal person just because of how severely I confuse myself with life (well in my opinion at least that is why), and being this way, I have no idea what other people do to deal with anger, sadness, regret, depression, and all the rest of the like of human emotion. No matter what I do, I am scolded and informed of how impossible I am and will be further to anyone who tries to have a relationship with me or even a friendship. I have indeed lost many friends and saying I have only actually had one girlfriend I would say that hasn't gone well either.
Piss and moan and frustrate myself a little more by pointing out my own faults in writing. I can be so intelligent sometimes...that was sarcasm (which apparently doesn't transfer well in writing).
Well, I am going to sit down and drink some cans of beer (so cliche, I know) and continue reading "The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things" by JT LeRoy (the book has no relation to this newest tangent above), and then watch Family Guy and Futurama in hopes of settling myself down for a little while.
Cheers sweet readers.
Noise:
Dawn Penn "You Don't Love Me (no, no, no)"
White Stripes (the) "Hotel Yorba"
Twiztid "Afraid Of Me"
9:15p
Hon, It's Brutal, Esty
Ahhh. I am in such a pissy frustrated mood.
My wrist has been a horrendous bitch of an appendage for the last twenty four hours. Nobody was too receptive to my ideas of chopping off my arm at the shoulder either. It made for a less than pleasant evening.
School starts tomorrow for most, of course including Epiphany. This is her first day of real school and she is naturally nervous. Kindergarten here in West Bend is now different then when I went for one main reason: kindergartners now school for a full day (with a nap time half way through). I am curious to see how she takes to being with strangers for a longer period of time. I am also curious to see in the long wrong, given I am part of the long run, how this helps her bonding with friends. I still occasionally talk to my first school friend ever made (Brandon Sarge) but obviously the bond is no longer there.
There are a lot of mental things floating around in my mind (where they are supposed to be I suppose), quite close to the surface of my eyelids. I am not good at handling things, never have been. Growing up, it was just accepted that if you had a problem with somebody, you fought and that was that. I decided a long while ago that I didn't like hurting people and so began hurting myself. That has become something else that is now no longer acceptable (mostly to those around me). I can't afford to break stuff and that is regarded as childish anyhow. I have always submerged myself in music, but that has served for years now as an enhancer, not a cover up. I don't want to turn into one of those people who are bound up and seething with rage and regret and just blow one day, taking themselves down and others with them (with my dislike for hurting others, this route of action is highly doubtful anyhow). I have never been considered a normal person just because of how severely I confuse myself with life (well in my opinion at least that is why), and being this way, I have no idea what other people do to deal with anger, sadness, regret, depression, and all the rest of the like of human emotion. No matter what I do, I am scolded and informed of how impossible I am and will be further to anyone who tries to have a relationship with me or even a friendship. I have indeed lost many friends and saying I have only actually had one girlfriend I would say that hasn't gone well either.
Piss and moan and frustrate myself a little more by pointing out my own faults in writing. I can be so intelligent sometimes...that was sarcasm (which apparently doesn't transfer well in writing).
Well, I am going to sit down and drink some cans of beer (so cliche, I know) and continue reading "The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things" by JT LeRoy (the book has no relation to this newest tangent above), and then watch Family Guy and Futurama in hopes of settling myself down for a little while.
Cheers sweet readers.
Noise:
Dawn Penn "You Don't Love Me (no, no, no)"
White Stripes (the) "Hotel Yorba"
Twiztid "Afraid Of Me"
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
it's in my profile
i'm not on here that much