nocturnalist

A memo from the Faculty of Suicidal Ornithology.

Attention local bird life. What the fuck is it with all of you? What is it about me going on long drives that makes you all want to swoop in front of me and saunter across the road while I'm bearing down on you at a highly illegal 135kph? Do you think I'm fucking around? Do you think my car has some kind of futuristic inertialess braking system so I can just stop on a dime or swerve around you?

Yes, I know, I actually did successfully swerve around a couple of you yesterday, but I don't fucking care. My heart just about flipped over in place each time I did that. You are taking advantage of my good nature when you make me do that shit. And it doesn't always work - ask the magpie that hurled itself out of the pine trees on my parents' road the other weekend and didn't pull up when it saw me coming. I'd have stopped in time if I could but I couldn't. Go check it out if you think I'm kidding, the guy's still lying there.

Seriously, birds. They're human roads for humans. Cutting swathes through the grasshopper swarms is kind of fun, but I don't like hitting you people. Stop hanging around on the asphalt just watching me drive at you. It's really getting on my nerves.