I just realized that pining away for someone who's not quite interested in you is akin to lowering your standards. 
I'm definitely not into lowering my standards (ahem...anymore). I'm all about dah-value, people. Value's where it's at. Putting the steam back in self-ESTEEM.
When I talk all fluffy about "live and let live," there should be no clause that reads "except when things don't go your way..." and I never used to read the fine print that I did indeed have hidden in the margins, or on the back of the page. I needed things to be set, comfortable, dependable, "just so," so that I would not have to look at holes in my spirit--so that I could just focus on you, and having things be "just so" with you. Of course that never happens. Of course that's setting yourself up for any one of a cavalcade of negative emotions. And of course, that's just plain silly.
A cat wandered into my apartment the other night, which wouldn't be so strange, save for the fact that it wandered in from the outisde ledge of a high-building with a very light railing on the outside (easy for a kit to slip, perhaps).
A dear friend (who also wandered in on the same night) discovered the cat first, we set to rescuing it....This was an easier task that I would have thought.
My dear sweetiefriend left, kitty stayed. I felt like there were a lot of things I "should have" done with this kitty, in our no-pet apartment complex, but in the morning, all's I felt led to do was let it go. Seemingly, at its own behest.
I guess that's how it needs to be with folks. In the past I'd want to grasp, hold onto, hover, be around, but that energy just creates a chase vaccuum, which is so empty, so painful and always has diminishing returns.
It is so easy for me to crush out on people in my life, too, and always with no goal. No means, no end.
I'm better about that, now. Contextualizing it, appreciating it for what it is, making it an endorphin rush with little to no bad feeling in the mix.
Emotions are so tricky sometimes, when you fight them. You can't make your feelings "just so." They just "are."
The people who are in my life reguarly now, I know, want to be there. I need to keep reminding myself of this, however. Keep reaching out and finding new ones. My friends are, basically, my family. I deserve that warmth and for a while I didn't think I did (crazy, backwards, unfair idea). Romance has eluded me. Most people in my life have been so ephemeral. I guess I came to expect that, which is almost the same as seeking out that experience.
I want to reconfigure "the matrix' so that this is no longer the case...I guess I never felt I deserved to be adored, so DUH...I'd like to get beyond gradeschool crush level, thanks very much. It's too comfortable and I never have to act. Too abstract. Old scenario. (soft sigh). I'm tired of being used to that M.O. It's a desperate vibe, too. Life needs to be lived, passionately. No quiet whimpers, whispers and moans anymore.
Bella earth goddess, aisle one please!
I do, admittedly have problems with boundaries sometimes (used to be graspy and want to know every little thing about your world, so now I do the opposite and probably seem colder that I truly am, and more quiet and reserved and asexual than I truly am--rolls eyes). Truly I am a huggy girl and I'd love to kiss your face off (be you friend, enemy or just yummy type chap on the street). So, I seek balance. Gentle balance. Graceful like a feline.
Kitties, they'll let you know, adamantly, when they need your loving, and when it's time for them to be let go, independent, they will also let you know, immediately.
Granted, I don't want to be that drastic but I can learn a lot from our lil' feline friends.
Can we just start with cuddling right now? (Runs over to you, nuzzles underneath your chin, lies prostrate over your belly)
--If that's okay with you, that is....
I'm definitely not into lowering my standards (ahem...anymore). I'm all about dah-value, people. Value's where it's at. Putting the steam back in self-ESTEEM.
When I talk all fluffy about "live and let live," there should be no clause that reads "except when things don't go your way..." and I never used to read the fine print that I did indeed have hidden in the margins, or on the back of the page. I needed things to be set, comfortable, dependable, "just so," so that I would not have to look at holes in my spirit--so that I could just focus on you, and having things be "just so" with you. Of course that never happens. Of course that's setting yourself up for any one of a cavalcade of negative emotions. And of course, that's just plain silly.
A cat wandered into my apartment the other night, which wouldn't be so strange, save for the fact that it wandered in from the outisde ledge of a high-building with a very light railing on the outside (easy for a kit to slip, perhaps).
A dear friend (who also wandered in on the same night) discovered the cat first, we set to rescuing it....This was an easier task that I would have thought.
My dear sweetiefriend left, kitty stayed. I felt like there were a lot of things I "should have" done with this kitty, in our no-pet apartment complex, but in the morning, all's I felt led to do was let it go. Seemingly, at its own behest.
I guess that's how it needs to be with folks. In the past I'd want to grasp, hold onto, hover, be around, but that energy just creates a chase vaccuum, which is so empty, so painful and always has diminishing returns.
It is so easy for me to crush out on people in my life, too, and always with no goal. No means, no end.
I'm better about that, now. Contextualizing it, appreciating it for what it is, making it an endorphin rush with little to no bad feeling in the mix.
Emotions are so tricky sometimes, when you fight them. You can't make your feelings "just so." They just "are."
The people who are in my life reguarly now, I know, want to be there. I need to keep reminding myself of this, however. Keep reaching out and finding new ones. My friends are, basically, my family. I deserve that warmth and for a while I didn't think I did (crazy, backwards, unfair idea). Romance has eluded me. Most people in my life have been so ephemeral. I guess I came to expect that, which is almost the same as seeking out that experience.
I want to reconfigure "the matrix' so that this is no longer the case...I guess I never felt I deserved to be adored, so DUH...I'd like to get beyond gradeschool crush level, thanks very much. It's too comfortable and I never have to act. Too abstract. Old scenario. (soft sigh). I'm tired of being used to that M.O. It's a desperate vibe, too. Life needs to be lived, passionately. No quiet whimpers, whispers and moans anymore.
Bella earth goddess, aisle one please!
I do, admittedly have problems with boundaries sometimes (used to be graspy and want to know every little thing about your world, so now I do the opposite and probably seem colder that I truly am, and more quiet and reserved and asexual than I truly am--rolls eyes). Truly I am a huggy girl and I'd love to kiss your face off (be you friend, enemy or just yummy type chap on the street). So, I seek balance. Gentle balance. Graceful like a feline.
Kitties, they'll let you know, adamantly, when they need your loving, and when it's time for them to be let go, independent, they will also let you know, immediately.
Granted, I don't want to be that drastic but I can learn a lot from our lil' feline friends.
Can we just start with cuddling right now? (Runs over to you, nuzzles underneath your chin, lies prostrate over your belly)
--If that's okay with you, that is....
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
One time I was watching tv and I looked over at my kitchen table and there was a cat just sitting there, frozen, staring at me. All my doors and windows were closed. I opened the front door, he ran out, and I never saw him again...