learn 2 love
last week when i was in austin i found this book called ' learn to love' by mary jaksch. it's actually a book for people IN relationships. i've never really been in one. i've had 2 boyfriends but i think we were just playing dressup. they weren't "adult," they were just fraught with fear and i never felt taken care of.
i'm hoping 'learn to love' might tell me more about how earthlings love one another. how i might better love myself.
in the book, the author talks about geniuses. knowing the right way to love a genius. i don't feel i am a genius, but i know i am eccentric, and that is a cousin to that kind of special consideration needed. the author mentions that a genius usually has special, exceptional talents. or special ways about them. that what you fell in love with the genius about, what captivated you, can, in time, unnerve you.
if you are focusing on what's "wrong" about a genius, that's when you get unnerved. if you examine yourself and breathe in deeply, do a sort of mental holistic healing with the situation and learn from where it hurts, then you can widen and expand that love.
this principle, i'm quite certain, isn't applicable only with geniuses. i definitely want to focus on what shines and beams in myself and others. nothing else is spiritually sound. the fact that our bodies, these fantastic machines, handle millions of organized functions day by day AUTOMATICALLY qualifies us all as god's walking miracle babies, from the door. what else is there to tisk tisk or worry about.
we are all so dote-on-able. there's always some little endearing thing in everyone i know that is so easy to recognize. why withold that, at least from myself. it'll make my day whizz by so much faster, too. oooh. aww. sweet and coo.
all this, it's just about learning to love (love as verb not noun)
in my recent past i have had more than a few mad, phantom crushes on various bi-ped earthlings. for various reasons. they're cute, that's a good starting point. they also mostly remind me of pieces of myself that i enjoy, that need better tending to.
they refect beauty and divinity and libidinous yummy to be. they like similar stuff. they "dress good." who knows all the wherefores when the heart goes boom? desire wants what it wants and it needs to be fed somehow, until or unless you change it. why would i want to turn the channel on such a thing? it's a fun diversion (albeit one with diminishing returns, from the door to the floor).
i don't think that people realize when i crush out, it's really much like a junior high school student crushing out on her teacher. just dreaming about making out or going on a "really cool date." or just giddy with no place to go. just "wow this kid's cool" in the moment with no thought for what's after. maybe crushes are my antidote to old depressive habits, helping me readjust from this kind of earth jetlag until i'm back on solid ground again. i know this has to do with early childhood's boundaries being crossed on the regular. once i am actually seeing someone, i know most people can't stop to remind themselves of thispattern in me, and i know that most people need their immediate, adult needs to be taken care of. many people have a laundry list of these types of things, in fact. and if i didn't spend so many years teetering in debates about whether or not i wanted to remain on the planet, i am sure i would have similar lists and needs. i know that, ultimately, this is neither their shortcoming, or mine. it just "is."
as for the crush, i can be so asexual, though, that i don't necessarily know what to do with those feelings. usually i sit on them but feelings are like fever. they need someplace to go--they need to be purged and tended to, or waited through, or they'll just make YOU sick.
i used to just crave proximity with that person: "hey, let me share some air." but that's kind of lame. i'm realistic enough not to fantasize that the crushes will lead anywhere. so it's a strange kind of limbo. don't know what to do with it.
i don't know that i know how to be anything but virtual. in the e-world i can rocket-catapult my thoughts out, across the world, in seconds. i know i can do it spiritually anyhow, but email almost presents "proof." the web pages of mine, my songs on the web, they're "proof" of this meta-physical space we are in. i have time to compose my thoughts. i can put unpleasant things and individuals on ignore. i am recognized for my mind, and my body of thoughts and i am able to reciprocate that much more easily without appearing to be ______ (whatever). drawback is, at the end of the day, when the monitor goes off, i can hear the sound of texas cicadas in my empty nights. my empty mornings. that's not something i want to be okay with, say, a year from now. there is something incomplete about it--i'd love to find a balance.
even with dating, the tenderboys seem to work best with me. and those dates are always short-lived. i think it takes a lot of work to be tender, and it's a lot to ask.
i'm able to give it back, too. but sometimes people just want to "go to a bar and play pool," if you follow.
the last wondrous "from here to eternity" beach-centered boy i dated surfed my ways and means well, however, i think he felt like he'd have to be responsible for my feelings at all times. that he couldn't go about his own business in the meantime. i'll never know. he donned that "thanks but no thanks" office acquaintance voice in our last phone chat.and i do mean "last."
i think rounding out my own edges (principled; needing to make sure i'm taken care of, rather than just KNOWING i am always "safe," spiritually, therefore always taken care of) will help.
yesterday morning i was kvetching up a storm about some routine or other i had to go through, to take care of daily needs, then about an hour or so before i began my day, i started affirming the truth about myself. about my situation. i am good. i am love. you are good. you are love. not only affirming it, but believing it. you are good. you are love. you are equal. (and let's not forget, ji, I am equal. i am good. i am love.) and so on. it's a beautiful, easily portable mantra. i highly recommend you carry it around, and once more, with feeling.
the fact that i revved up the affirmations before the day began, it's nice, but i wish i could have caught it earlier. i wish i could have been doing it all night. i'm getting better at things, though. i catch it quicker. if i can just master that forever after, i know i'll be all right.
every now and then i will howl like a banshee in sight, sound and song, looking for a certain someone, but all told, i don't think i would even know what to do with them. where to begin. back in the day i had this job in L.A. (among many) and this really cute boy worked there. just a sweetiepie, at first, anyhow (natural southern hospitality, fashion straight outta The Gap, calmness about him). he was seeing another girl there, but no one knew (a modern day Lauren Bacall. earth mama. at once sweet, naive and worldly. seasoned.).
well, back in the day, he'd come up to me, sweet as pie, just like he was with everyone. well, i warmed up, right on back. i beamed as he beamed. i batted my eyelashes a lot more. you know the deal...
that continued for a few days until FINALLY i realized what was going on. that they were, indeed, seeing each other. so i did chill out and back off quite a bit. so i thought erry'thang was cool. they had this beautiful vista facing out into an L.A. skyline (well, it was really a view of skyscrapers). and i sat opposite them. he had just returned from giving me some work-related instruction or other. that, or we were talking about music. when he went back to sit down next to her, she grumbled something (and rightly so). he responded, loudly and incensed, "AW...SHE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT!" and then we all went about our business.
that's the deal, friends. i wouldn't even know what to do with it. i know there is a learning curve, i know the book "learn to love" was not sweetly penned for naught.
i'm just saying. . .
last week when i was in austin i found this book called ' learn to love' by mary jaksch. it's actually a book for people IN relationships. i've never really been in one. i've had 2 boyfriends but i think we were just playing dressup. they weren't "adult," they were just fraught with fear and i never felt taken care of.
i'm hoping 'learn to love' might tell me more about how earthlings love one another. how i might better love myself.
in the book, the author talks about geniuses. knowing the right way to love a genius. i don't feel i am a genius, but i know i am eccentric, and that is a cousin to that kind of special consideration needed. the author mentions that a genius usually has special, exceptional talents. or special ways about them. that what you fell in love with the genius about, what captivated you, can, in time, unnerve you.
if you are focusing on what's "wrong" about a genius, that's when you get unnerved. if you examine yourself and breathe in deeply, do a sort of mental holistic healing with the situation and learn from where it hurts, then you can widen and expand that love.
this principle, i'm quite certain, isn't applicable only with geniuses. i definitely want to focus on what shines and beams in myself and others. nothing else is spiritually sound. the fact that our bodies, these fantastic machines, handle millions of organized functions day by day AUTOMATICALLY qualifies us all as god's walking miracle babies, from the door. what else is there to tisk tisk or worry about.
we are all so dote-on-able. there's always some little endearing thing in everyone i know that is so easy to recognize. why withold that, at least from myself. it'll make my day whizz by so much faster, too. oooh. aww. sweet and coo.
all this, it's just about learning to love (love as verb not noun)
in my recent past i have had more than a few mad, phantom crushes on various bi-ped earthlings. for various reasons. they're cute, that's a good starting point. they also mostly remind me of pieces of myself that i enjoy, that need better tending to.
they refect beauty and divinity and libidinous yummy to be. they like similar stuff. they "dress good." who knows all the wherefores when the heart goes boom? desire wants what it wants and it needs to be fed somehow, until or unless you change it. why would i want to turn the channel on such a thing? it's a fun diversion (albeit one with diminishing returns, from the door to the floor).
i don't think that people realize when i crush out, it's really much like a junior high school student crushing out on her teacher. just dreaming about making out or going on a "really cool date." or just giddy with no place to go. just "wow this kid's cool" in the moment with no thought for what's after. maybe crushes are my antidote to old depressive habits, helping me readjust from this kind of earth jetlag until i'm back on solid ground again. i know this has to do with early childhood's boundaries being crossed on the regular. once i am actually seeing someone, i know most people can't stop to remind themselves of thispattern in me, and i know that most people need their immediate, adult needs to be taken care of. many people have a laundry list of these types of things, in fact. and if i didn't spend so many years teetering in debates about whether or not i wanted to remain on the planet, i am sure i would have similar lists and needs. i know that, ultimately, this is neither their shortcoming, or mine. it just "is."
as for the crush, i can be so asexual, though, that i don't necessarily know what to do with those feelings. usually i sit on them but feelings are like fever. they need someplace to go--they need to be purged and tended to, or waited through, or they'll just make YOU sick.
i used to just crave proximity with that person: "hey, let me share some air." but that's kind of lame. i'm realistic enough not to fantasize that the crushes will lead anywhere. so it's a strange kind of limbo. don't know what to do with it.
i don't know that i know how to be anything but virtual. in the e-world i can rocket-catapult my thoughts out, across the world, in seconds. i know i can do it spiritually anyhow, but email almost presents "proof." the web pages of mine, my songs on the web, they're "proof" of this meta-physical space we are in. i have time to compose my thoughts. i can put unpleasant things and individuals on ignore. i am recognized for my mind, and my body of thoughts and i am able to reciprocate that much more easily without appearing to be ______ (whatever). drawback is, at the end of the day, when the monitor goes off, i can hear the sound of texas cicadas in my empty nights. my empty mornings. that's not something i want to be okay with, say, a year from now. there is something incomplete about it--i'd love to find a balance.
even with dating, the tenderboys seem to work best with me. and those dates are always short-lived. i think it takes a lot of work to be tender, and it's a lot to ask.
i'm able to give it back, too. but sometimes people just want to "go to a bar and play pool," if you follow.
the last wondrous "from here to eternity" beach-centered boy i dated surfed my ways and means well, however, i think he felt like he'd have to be responsible for my feelings at all times. that he couldn't go about his own business in the meantime. i'll never know. he donned that "thanks but no thanks" office acquaintance voice in our last phone chat.and i do mean "last."
i think rounding out my own edges (principled; needing to make sure i'm taken care of, rather than just KNOWING i am always "safe," spiritually, therefore always taken care of) will help.
yesterday morning i was kvetching up a storm about some routine or other i had to go through, to take care of daily needs, then about an hour or so before i began my day, i started affirming the truth about myself. about my situation. i am good. i am love. you are good. you are love. not only affirming it, but believing it. you are good. you are love. you are equal. (and let's not forget, ji, I am equal. i am good. i am love.) and so on. it's a beautiful, easily portable mantra. i highly recommend you carry it around, and once more, with feeling.
the fact that i revved up the affirmations before the day began, it's nice, but i wish i could have caught it earlier. i wish i could have been doing it all night. i'm getting better at things, though. i catch it quicker. if i can just master that forever after, i know i'll be all right.
every now and then i will howl like a banshee in sight, sound and song, looking for a certain someone, but all told, i don't think i would even know what to do with them. where to begin. back in the day i had this job in L.A. (among many) and this really cute boy worked there. just a sweetiepie, at first, anyhow (natural southern hospitality, fashion straight outta The Gap, calmness about him). he was seeing another girl there, but no one knew (a modern day Lauren Bacall. earth mama. at once sweet, naive and worldly. seasoned.).
well, back in the day, he'd come up to me, sweet as pie, just like he was with everyone. well, i warmed up, right on back. i beamed as he beamed. i batted my eyelashes a lot more. you know the deal...
that continued for a few days until FINALLY i realized what was going on. that they were, indeed, seeing each other. so i did chill out and back off quite a bit. so i thought erry'thang was cool. they had this beautiful vista facing out into an L.A. skyline (well, it was really a view of skyscrapers). and i sat opposite them. he had just returned from giving me some work-related instruction or other. that, or we were talking about music. when he went back to sit down next to her, she grumbled something (and rightly so). he responded, loudly and incensed, "AW...SHE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT!" and then we all went about our business.
that's the deal, friends. i wouldn't even know what to do with it. i know there is a learning curve, i know the book "learn to love" was not sweetly penned for naught.
i'm just saying. . .
that one is really long
i wonder if my comment will be on the first page or not
i will read it later when i am not at work
ugh
so you want some of that too
mmmmm
wait
ewww