I haven't posted anything interesting in a while. This is a fraction of a story I have been working half heartedly on. Feel free to comment, but I already know it's jumbled and needs a lot of work and re-arranging. It's just how I start I didn't have any poems, so you'll have to make due. It's long, so don't read any if you don't want to read it.
~*~
Chris,
There are so many things I always wanted to tell you, things I wish I could have made you see before I made you hate me. I can only imagine what you must think of me now; I couldnt blame you. I realize how much I hurt you, trust me when I tell you that was not my intention...Quite the opposite, in fact. When I first met you, I had so many things running my life that I couldnt keep them all straight. The one relationship I had put my all into had failed me and I wasnt sure what to do with myself. I convinced myself that no one wanted me, and any guy I fell in love with would fuck me over. I hadnt planned on falling in love while trying to stay so cold. I loved you the first time I talked to you. I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, and that was probably the scariest thing I could have imagined. Love had always proven to fail me, and I didnt want to burst the bubble. You were my ideal, everything I said I wanted, all that I needed; if love was really going to fuck me over again, I couldnt bear it from you. I wish I had put more trust in you. Now that I have fucked everything up, I dont know what to think. I cant believe I turned away my one shot at true love for one reason: that you were perfect. I guess in the end, I was really the only thing I had to be afraid of. I wish it could have been so much different. I wish I could have had the chance to love you. It might be a little late, but I love you. I always loved you.
Rene
I stared at the screen, glancing back at the send button one more time before finally clicking on it. I sighed at the abrupt end to such a long, complicated part of my life. Ive always heard people say how hard it is, but I guess I never believed it. The end... Finally.
Time for my next life...
~*~
There was a loud crack as fist and wall collided. Blood dripped from a small slit on the slim, tan hand.
Fuck! Crack, again... This time I stopped as I felt the blood pressure building up in my knuckles. My hand shook: half from anger, half from pain that now showed clearly black and blue. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasnt sure if it was from pain or not. Well, physical pain. I was so tired of being used and abused by all the finest fish in the sea.
Fuck the sea, I said out loud. Mostly to myself, partially to Rizzo, who now looked concerned in her small wire cage. I laughed, then. Stress is funny like that. One second you re beating up the poor innocent walls of your apartment, and the next youre laughing at the sheer stupidity of it.
No more, I said to the brown and white rat who had since lost interest in me and found something obviously more interesting in her cage.
Itll be just you and me: Rat who doesnt care and girl who hits walls...What a pair. I laughed again. It was probably a good thing I cracked myself up since no one else did. Not now, anyways.
You know why I cant date you...? Because every time I look at you, all I see is you straddling me in my car, and then you went and had sex with someone else.
The harsh words echoed in my head, repeating over and over until I wanted to beat them out. Having exhausted that on the walls, I decided beating them out wasnt going to work.
You know what, I dont care. Rizzo was ignoring me now, cleaning herself on the top ledge of her home. Fine, ignore me then. Useless rat... I stuck my tongue out at her, realizing she didnt acknowledge the insult but feeling better anyway.
As anger subsided, the need for caffeine tapped at the door to my brain until I had to make a trip to the kitchen for coffee. People used to scoff at me for drinking coffee at all hours of day and night. They didnt accept that sanity came in a small steaming mug. I took the old filter out of the small white coffee pot, and made a face at the mold. Yuck... I guess its been a couple days since I made coffee. I talk to myself a lot, and realize it. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I dont care. I grabbed the coffee grounds from the cabinet above the stove, and set up the pot for six cups of coffee. I always made six, whether I drank two, four, or one cup, it was always six. Im not really sure why. I think its one of those things I did to make me feel less alone. Brew a full pot of coffee, and surely it must be for someone other than me, alone, again...
I slid onto the white counter top, listening to the coffee steam and drip into the pot. The smell of fresh sanity always made me smile... I grabbed a tall tan mug from the cabinet above the sink and poured it full, followed with three teaspoons of sugar and about half an inch of cream. I took a sip and sighed as it warmed my tongue, throat, and finally my stomach.
Strong, sweet, and keeps me up all night. Why cant I find a guy like that? Rizzo was sleeping now. If rats could snore, she would have been sawing some major logs.
Damn sleepy fuzzball. Dont you know Im having a nervous breakdown?
I took another soothing swallow and slid off the counter.
Walking back to the bedroom took more effort than normal, as did stripping and finding my fuzzy black shorts and tank top. I debated sleeping naked but decided it would be depressing, sleeping naked is no fun when youre alone. Besides, I liked to keep my apartment refrigerated and I wasnt really partial to pneumonia. The cool dark of my room was comforting, but after fumbling around my room some more, the thought crossed my mind that light may have made things a little easier. Its always the little things that you forget: turning on lights, eating, sleeping, sanity. Ignoring the thought, I felt my way through the dark room and to my bed. Coffee was good, but sleep was better.
I looked out the window of the black mustang, watching trees go by as we sped along the country road. I turned to Chris and he smiled at me. He was talking to me, I was sure I was replying but it wasnt really sinking in. All I could think was how cute he looked, with his black curly hair and blue eyes. He pulled into a turnoff and turned the keys in the ignition of his car. We sat there for a while, listening to the radio and talking about nothing.
Finally he turned to me and said Fuck formalities, and he kissed me. His lips lingered in all the right places as his hands felt their way from my neck to my hips and thighs. I could feel my body tingling as he ran his hands up the back of my shirt and to the clasp of my bra, which he easily undid. I moved across the center console of his car to his lap, placing one leg on each side of him and sitting until I was in the perfect place to feel all of him.
He kept closing his eyes and sighing, I wondered what he was thinking. He undid my pants as I undid his. We both suddenly realized that all the shifting in the world couldnt get them off.
Mustangs arent known for their leg room.
We both laughed and stopped, frustrated and trying to decide where to go from there. He grinned and said that he could put the top down, and mentioned how much space was on the hood of his car.
Thoughts started rushing through my head: hell fuck me over, Ill fuck him over, its not the right time...
We should stop anyway. I found myself saying, Better to save this until it really means something." I shifted to get off of him and unintentionally rubbed my pelvic bone against the bulge in his lap. Fuck waiting for meaningful sex, I want you now, His hands grabbed my sides as he bent down and bit my nipple, sending sparks from one end of my body to the other. I moaned and tried to remember why I wanted him to stop.
Timing...
No, really. He stopped and looked at me, finding me serious he said ok and turned the radio up until the rearview mirror vibrated. We put our clothes back on, silently. He slumped back into his seat as I crawled to mine. I suddenly remembered that I had someone to meet in half an hour. I had almost completely forgotten about it, Chris was good for making me forget things.
Trying to calm my racing heart, I looked at him and smiled. He looked into my eyes and half smiled as he looked down at his hands, Better we wait until it means something. It almost came out as a sigh. It was half a whisper and half self assurance on his part, that much was obvious. Evanescence Immortal blared through his Eclipse speakers, vibrating through my bones. I looked up at the canvas roof, trying to hide the tears brimming in my eyes. Timing... Why couldnt I just get my head straight?
God, I wanted him so bad it hurt. Blood rushed through my body, making me shake and tingle and frustrating me until I almost considered stripping and begging him to make it stop, but I thought better of it and asked him to take me back to my car.
The drive back was slow and quiet. He knew I was holding back, and only I knew why. I kept having to tell myself why over and over to ease what I so desperately wanted to do to him. My car was waiting patiently where I had left it. When the car pulled to a stop, we both sat there for a minute, half absorbing what had just happened, half trying to forget it. I kissed him briefly and got out of his car, closing the door carefully behind me. He didnt take a second glance at me as he sped off, I wondered if he knew how bad I wanted him. I stood there for a minute, in shock, watching his taillights grow smaller and dimmer in the cold night.
I got in my car and drove in auto pilot to the date I had set days ago, trying to switch my mind over to where it needed to be to deal with Anthony. He wanted me the way I wanted Chris.
I walked up to Anthonys apartment door mentally preparing myself. I rehearsed in my head what I would say, how I would deal with him. When I knocked, he opened the door immediately, and I imagined him sitting on the couch waiting for me to knock. He was tall, skinny, and goth. He had tattoos, piercings, he was even pagan: my type of guy in every area. His black spiked hair had just started greying at the edges as he neared the dreadful thirty. He smiled. That smile that says Thank God youre here, while questioning the intent, all in that one smile.
We sat on the couch and put in a movie. Neither of us talked about what should have been talked about. Small talk turned serious, and we were eventually laughing and talking comfortably, just like old friends or couples. The movie ended and he offered to give me a massage, saying that he really enjoyed giving them.
We walked back to his bedroom and I sat on the bed. The butterflies Chris had caused earlier were creeping back into my stomach as Anthony turned off the main lights in his room and turned on a black light. It had been so long since I had been with a guy, even the thought of a back massage was beginning to seem like too good an idea.
He pulled lotion from next to his bed and told me to take my shirt off and lay down. I pulled the t-shirt over my head and laid on my stomach. He straddled me and began to rub my back. After a minute or two, he told me to take my bra off to make it easier. I tried to take it off without sitting up so he couldnt see me and get any ideas, not sure if my own ideas would be as obvious as they felt.
After a long back massage, instead of being relaxed to the point of sleep I was riddled with nerves and anticipation that sent sparks shooting through my body. I almost expected them to arc from my toes or fingertips. His hands worked lower and lower down my back and across the top of my pants. He kept hitting that one spot on my back, making me arch my back and tense at his touch, and Im sure it was sending similar sparks through his body.
He slowly slid my pants off, continuing the massage down the backs of my thighs and calves. He ran his hands up my ankles and the insides of my legs, continuing all the way to the inside of my thigh and along the line of my thong, tracing the line from back to front and gradually sliding that off as well. He rolled me over and laid on top of me, breathing a trail down my neck and stomach. My back arched as he kissed me and pressed his hips in between my thighs, all of the frustration from Chris now exploded through my body. Touch was a sensation I couldnt resist at the moment, especially when he was so damn good at it... I had wanted Chris so bad it hurt, and now that someone was touching me I almost forgot who I was with.
The next couple hours progressed in a fantastic blur. After about an hour, everything started becoming clear, too clear. I realized who I was with, what I was doing, what I had ruined. It might not have been such a bad thing if I didnt know that this was going to hurt Anthony probably more than Chris. He had been in love with me so many years, had waited for this moment so long...
It abruptly ended when he finished and I made an excuse to leave. Hurt spread across his face like a storm. It was amazing how fast passion turned to panic. Ignoring the expression on his face, I almost ran to my car. Hot tears streamed down my face. Now filled with a whole new type of frustration, I drove slowly home.
I woke up wanting to cry. The one night that had messed everything up wouldnt stop playing in my head, making my own head a personal hell. It was hard to explain to anyone what it was like to be me. I rationalize things bizarrely, I guess. I have made some mistakes in my life, that much was bluntly obvious. I wished I could make Chris see how much I cared, how much I wish I could take back. I just knew that if he gave me the chance, I could make up for every hurt I had ever caused, that I could right every single wrong. I only wish he knew as much.
It had started the way a lot of my relationships started: I was drunk, I barely noticed him, and I wanted someone else. I had a very big crush on a friend of his. The first night I met him, I wanted to steal his car, or sit in it naked and drive around. He had a gorgeous black mustang that purred so deep I could have had an orgasm just hearing it. When he pulled up, we heard him from inside the apartment, and Danny dragged me outside to meet him. At first, I didnt really want to leave the party going on inside, then I saw him and walked over drooling. He rolled down his window and smiled at Danny, without saying so much as hello I asked him to turn it off and turn it on again. He laughed and did, thoroughly enjoying my reaction. It is apparently not common for a girl to lick a nice car... Go figure. No one filled me in on that one. After seeing me drool, he asked if I wanted to drive it. I swear you could have heard my jaw hit the pavement. I asked what the catch was, he said Easy: you break it, you stole it. He smiled at me and tossed me the keys. I shivered with anticipation and jumped into his car, suddenly forgetting about the guy I had a crush on standing outside the car door. I sat in the drivers seat for a while, absorbing the full magnitude of quality mustang smell, feel, and sound. Turning the key in the ignition gave me goose bumps that started at my neck and spread down my arms and legs to my toes and fingertips. I grinned and put it in reverse. Driving was suddenly a lot more fun and a lot more scarey than it had ever been before. I drove through the apartment complex and onto the main road. When I came to the first red light, I smiled. The green light came on to spinning tires and the 4.6 liter orgasm on wheels speeding to the next light in somewhere around 5.2 seconds. I truly had an orgasm, maybe it was feeling the torque throw me back into the seat, maybe it was the cat-back exhaust purring behind me, but I couldnt help myself. I drove back to the apartment smiling. If I wrecked his car it would have been completely worth it.
I walked into the apartment and threw him back his keys. He asked how it went, I said zero to sixty gave me the best orgasm Id had in a while. He gave me that Yeah, right, look, but when he saw that I meant it, he asked if I would marry him. A hot girl who orgasms driving my car, yeah, I could get used to that. I grinned politely, and ignored his amazing blue eyes for the rest of the night while I attempted to get to his friend.
The night was lost in rock and roll fantasy: drugs, sex, and loud blaring music. A whirlwind of memory that floated from my head drink by dizzying drink. I remember bits and pieces. No piece big enough to make a whole night. I remember thinking about my ex. Jeff, who I had been with almost two years, who I had a promise ring from and had promised to marry after college. Hardly the man of my dreams, but he was settle worthy. I had settled too long, and gradually realized it the whole cheery month of December. I talked for aching hours about it to my best friend. She had fixed us up, she said break it off. I did, and cried about it. He cried. God, he cried. It ripped my heart out. I thought for a while I was hurting worse than him. I couldnt live without him. I had spent almost every waking hour with him because he told me to, and now I wanted to.
I didnt tell anyone at first, only my best friend knew. She knew the whole story. She knew that he had cheated on me, and lied to me, and made me call him every night. She knew that he made me cry, calling me while I was out at parties and almost sobbing on the phone. How could I do that to him? How could I go out and party at college while he was at home missing me? Why didnt I call him every hour like he wanted, didnt I love him? Its amazing how much one can keep bottled up. I had hated him, and now that I had broken up with him, I wanted him.
He begged me every day for a week straight to take him back. He said that he didnt understand why I didnt love him anymore, but that if I took him back he would make it all better. I held off, knowing that somehow I had to take my life back, make it mine again. He stopped calling after the second or third day, and all of a sudden he was right. I wanted it to be better. I did what he told me to, still. I took him back. We had sex, once, and somehow everything in my head clicked.
Its over.
I broke up with him again, and he cried again. I told him I needed space, that I couldnt figure out who I was while I was with him, that I thought I had lost myself. He asked if it was because I wanted to be a witch and dress goth. I laughed, then. He really didnt know me. Two years, and he didnt know anything about me. I was terrified as he drove away that last time. Watching him as he drove up the driveway and out of site made me realize that he was never coming back and that I didnt care. It was such a revelation that I could have died happy on the spot.
He was leaving, and I didnt care.
The twelve days of Christmas came and went, Christmas Day at my grandparents house was sad and familiar and confusing. Christmas was the time when everything was normal, it was all like it should be. Yet, everyone wanted to know about Jeff. Why did we break up? He seemed like such a nice boy. I ached for home, for my friends, for a party to numb my mind. After Christmas, I stared at his present, wrapped under the still standing Christmas tree, and didnt know what to do. I wanted him back again. I didnt know what I was supposed to do on my own. I wanted to call him and tell him to come get his present, but that would mean seeing him. What if it made me weak, and I took him back? After being so sure the last time, would seeing him change it? I called him anyways, and told him that I still wanted him to have his Christmas present. He came over, and I was waiting outside at my parents house. Leaning against the garage door, I watched him pull up. He parked his little red Miata where he had always parked it. He sat there for a minute, Im not sure if he was composing himself like I imagined he was. He opened his door and stood up, wearing that blue shirt that made his eyes so grey and his arms so inviting. He smelled so good... I took a deep breath, and held it. I dont know how long it was before I finally breathed again. I felt dizzy and weak. I handed him the box, and he smiled the saddest smile.
How are you? Familiar voice, familiar everything, and I hated him for it.
Im ok. I wanted him to leave. I didnt know what was happening. I couldnt believe I had dated him so long. All I could see were his bad points. He looked different, everything about him. He teeth looked different, his hair was shaggier than I remembered, his eyes didnt look as bright, he looked worn I was begging myself inside, to stay together until he left. Dont cry until he leaves...
He opened his present and smiled, it was something he wanted. Three hundred dollars of something he wanted, tossed into the passenger seat, my passenger seat. Thanks, he hesitated, and I knew he was trying to pull together a sentence. Something that would make me forgive him, something to make it better, just something, anything, and as he stood there reaching, I turned and left. I stepped inside the garage door, and stood there with my back to him. I heard him as he got back into his car and sped up the driveway. I heard the gravel crunching beneath his tires, and I stood there until I couldnt hear it anymore. Then I turned, and saw the empty space.
New Years Eve was the party I had been waiting for.
null
~*~
Chris,
There are so many things I always wanted to tell you, things I wish I could have made you see before I made you hate me. I can only imagine what you must think of me now; I couldnt blame you. I realize how much I hurt you, trust me when I tell you that was not my intention...Quite the opposite, in fact. When I first met you, I had so many things running my life that I couldnt keep them all straight. The one relationship I had put my all into had failed me and I wasnt sure what to do with myself. I convinced myself that no one wanted me, and any guy I fell in love with would fuck me over. I hadnt planned on falling in love while trying to stay so cold. I loved you the first time I talked to you. I wanted you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, and that was probably the scariest thing I could have imagined. Love had always proven to fail me, and I didnt want to burst the bubble. You were my ideal, everything I said I wanted, all that I needed; if love was really going to fuck me over again, I couldnt bear it from you. I wish I had put more trust in you. Now that I have fucked everything up, I dont know what to think. I cant believe I turned away my one shot at true love for one reason: that you were perfect. I guess in the end, I was really the only thing I had to be afraid of. I wish it could have been so much different. I wish I could have had the chance to love you. It might be a little late, but I love you. I always loved you.
Rene
I stared at the screen, glancing back at the send button one more time before finally clicking on it. I sighed at the abrupt end to such a long, complicated part of my life. Ive always heard people say how hard it is, but I guess I never believed it. The end... Finally.
Time for my next life...
~*~
There was a loud crack as fist and wall collided. Blood dripped from a small slit on the slim, tan hand.
Fuck! Crack, again... This time I stopped as I felt the blood pressure building up in my knuckles. My hand shook: half from anger, half from pain that now showed clearly black and blue. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasnt sure if it was from pain or not. Well, physical pain. I was so tired of being used and abused by all the finest fish in the sea.
Fuck the sea, I said out loud. Mostly to myself, partially to Rizzo, who now looked concerned in her small wire cage. I laughed, then. Stress is funny like that. One second you re beating up the poor innocent walls of your apartment, and the next youre laughing at the sheer stupidity of it.
No more, I said to the brown and white rat who had since lost interest in me and found something obviously more interesting in her cage.
Itll be just you and me: Rat who doesnt care and girl who hits walls...What a pair. I laughed again. It was probably a good thing I cracked myself up since no one else did. Not now, anyways.
You know why I cant date you...? Because every time I look at you, all I see is you straddling me in my car, and then you went and had sex with someone else.
The harsh words echoed in my head, repeating over and over until I wanted to beat them out. Having exhausted that on the walls, I decided beating them out wasnt going to work.
You know what, I dont care. Rizzo was ignoring me now, cleaning herself on the top ledge of her home. Fine, ignore me then. Useless rat... I stuck my tongue out at her, realizing she didnt acknowledge the insult but feeling better anyway.
As anger subsided, the need for caffeine tapped at the door to my brain until I had to make a trip to the kitchen for coffee. People used to scoff at me for drinking coffee at all hours of day and night. They didnt accept that sanity came in a small steaming mug. I took the old filter out of the small white coffee pot, and made a face at the mold. Yuck... I guess its been a couple days since I made coffee. I talk to myself a lot, and realize it. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I dont care. I grabbed the coffee grounds from the cabinet above the stove, and set up the pot for six cups of coffee. I always made six, whether I drank two, four, or one cup, it was always six. Im not really sure why. I think its one of those things I did to make me feel less alone. Brew a full pot of coffee, and surely it must be for someone other than me, alone, again...
I slid onto the white counter top, listening to the coffee steam and drip into the pot. The smell of fresh sanity always made me smile... I grabbed a tall tan mug from the cabinet above the sink and poured it full, followed with three teaspoons of sugar and about half an inch of cream. I took a sip and sighed as it warmed my tongue, throat, and finally my stomach.
Strong, sweet, and keeps me up all night. Why cant I find a guy like that? Rizzo was sleeping now. If rats could snore, she would have been sawing some major logs.
Damn sleepy fuzzball. Dont you know Im having a nervous breakdown?
I took another soothing swallow and slid off the counter.
Walking back to the bedroom took more effort than normal, as did stripping and finding my fuzzy black shorts and tank top. I debated sleeping naked but decided it would be depressing, sleeping naked is no fun when youre alone. Besides, I liked to keep my apartment refrigerated and I wasnt really partial to pneumonia. The cool dark of my room was comforting, but after fumbling around my room some more, the thought crossed my mind that light may have made things a little easier. Its always the little things that you forget: turning on lights, eating, sleeping, sanity. Ignoring the thought, I felt my way through the dark room and to my bed. Coffee was good, but sleep was better.
I looked out the window of the black mustang, watching trees go by as we sped along the country road. I turned to Chris and he smiled at me. He was talking to me, I was sure I was replying but it wasnt really sinking in. All I could think was how cute he looked, with his black curly hair and blue eyes. He pulled into a turnoff and turned the keys in the ignition of his car. We sat there for a while, listening to the radio and talking about nothing.
Finally he turned to me and said Fuck formalities, and he kissed me. His lips lingered in all the right places as his hands felt their way from my neck to my hips and thighs. I could feel my body tingling as he ran his hands up the back of my shirt and to the clasp of my bra, which he easily undid. I moved across the center console of his car to his lap, placing one leg on each side of him and sitting until I was in the perfect place to feel all of him.
He kept closing his eyes and sighing, I wondered what he was thinking. He undid my pants as I undid his. We both suddenly realized that all the shifting in the world couldnt get them off.
Mustangs arent known for their leg room.
We both laughed and stopped, frustrated and trying to decide where to go from there. He grinned and said that he could put the top down, and mentioned how much space was on the hood of his car.
Thoughts started rushing through my head: hell fuck me over, Ill fuck him over, its not the right time...
We should stop anyway. I found myself saying, Better to save this until it really means something." I shifted to get off of him and unintentionally rubbed my pelvic bone against the bulge in his lap. Fuck waiting for meaningful sex, I want you now, His hands grabbed my sides as he bent down and bit my nipple, sending sparks from one end of my body to the other. I moaned and tried to remember why I wanted him to stop.
Timing...
No, really. He stopped and looked at me, finding me serious he said ok and turned the radio up until the rearview mirror vibrated. We put our clothes back on, silently. He slumped back into his seat as I crawled to mine. I suddenly remembered that I had someone to meet in half an hour. I had almost completely forgotten about it, Chris was good for making me forget things.
Trying to calm my racing heart, I looked at him and smiled. He looked into my eyes and half smiled as he looked down at his hands, Better we wait until it means something. It almost came out as a sigh. It was half a whisper and half self assurance on his part, that much was obvious. Evanescence Immortal blared through his Eclipse speakers, vibrating through my bones. I looked up at the canvas roof, trying to hide the tears brimming in my eyes. Timing... Why couldnt I just get my head straight?
God, I wanted him so bad it hurt. Blood rushed through my body, making me shake and tingle and frustrating me until I almost considered stripping and begging him to make it stop, but I thought better of it and asked him to take me back to my car.
The drive back was slow and quiet. He knew I was holding back, and only I knew why. I kept having to tell myself why over and over to ease what I so desperately wanted to do to him. My car was waiting patiently where I had left it. When the car pulled to a stop, we both sat there for a minute, half absorbing what had just happened, half trying to forget it. I kissed him briefly and got out of his car, closing the door carefully behind me. He didnt take a second glance at me as he sped off, I wondered if he knew how bad I wanted him. I stood there for a minute, in shock, watching his taillights grow smaller and dimmer in the cold night.
I got in my car and drove in auto pilot to the date I had set days ago, trying to switch my mind over to where it needed to be to deal with Anthony. He wanted me the way I wanted Chris.
I walked up to Anthonys apartment door mentally preparing myself. I rehearsed in my head what I would say, how I would deal with him. When I knocked, he opened the door immediately, and I imagined him sitting on the couch waiting for me to knock. He was tall, skinny, and goth. He had tattoos, piercings, he was even pagan: my type of guy in every area. His black spiked hair had just started greying at the edges as he neared the dreadful thirty. He smiled. That smile that says Thank God youre here, while questioning the intent, all in that one smile.
We sat on the couch and put in a movie. Neither of us talked about what should have been talked about. Small talk turned serious, and we were eventually laughing and talking comfortably, just like old friends or couples. The movie ended and he offered to give me a massage, saying that he really enjoyed giving them.
We walked back to his bedroom and I sat on the bed. The butterflies Chris had caused earlier were creeping back into my stomach as Anthony turned off the main lights in his room and turned on a black light. It had been so long since I had been with a guy, even the thought of a back massage was beginning to seem like too good an idea.
He pulled lotion from next to his bed and told me to take my shirt off and lay down. I pulled the t-shirt over my head and laid on my stomach. He straddled me and began to rub my back. After a minute or two, he told me to take my bra off to make it easier. I tried to take it off without sitting up so he couldnt see me and get any ideas, not sure if my own ideas would be as obvious as they felt.
After a long back massage, instead of being relaxed to the point of sleep I was riddled with nerves and anticipation that sent sparks shooting through my body. I almost expected them to arc from my toes or fingertips. His hands worked lower and lower down my back and across the top of my pants. He kept hitting that one spot on my back, making me arch my back and tense at his touch, and Im sure it was sending similar sparks through his body.
He slowly slid my pants off, continuing the massage down the backs of my thighs and calves. He ran his hands up my ankles and the insides of my legs, continuing all the way to the inside of my thigh and along the line of my thong, tracing the line from back to front and gradually sliding that off as well. He rolled me over and laid on top of me, breathing a trail down my neck and stomach. My back arched as he kissed me and pressed his hips in between my thighs, all of the frustration from Chris now exploded through my body. Touch was a sensation I couldnt resist at the moment, especially when he was so damn good at it... I had wanted Chris so bad it hurt, and now that someone was touching me I almost forgot who I was with.
The next couple hours progressed in a fantastic blur. After about an hour, everything started becoming clear, too clear. I realized who I was with, what I was doing, what I had ruined. It might not have been such a bad thing if I didnt know that this was going to hurt Anthony probably more than Chris. He had been in love with me so many years, had waited for this moment so long...
It abruptly ended when he finished and I made an excuse to leave. Hurt spread across his face like a storm. It was amazing how fast passion turned to panic. Ignoring the expression on his face, I almost ran to my car. Hot tears streamed down my face. Now filled with a whole new type of frustration, I drove slowly home.
I woke up wanting to cry. The one night that had messed everything up wouldnt stop playing in my head, making my own head a personal hell. It was hard to explain to anyone what it was like to be me. I rationalize things bizarrely, I guess. I have made some mistakes in my life, that much was bluntly obvious. I wished I could make Chris see how much I cared, how much I wish I could take back. I just knew that if he gave me the chance, I could make up for every hurt I had ever caused, that I could right every single wrong. I only wish he knew as much.
It had started the way a lot of my relationships started: I was drunk, I barely noticed him, and I wanted someone else. I had a very big crush on a friend of his. The first night I met him, I wanted to steal his car, or sit in it naked and drive around. He had a gorgeous black mustang that purred so deep I could have had an orgasm just hearing it. When he pulled up, we heard him from inside the apartment, and Danny dragged me outside to meet him. At first, I didnt really want to leave the party going on inside, then I saw him and walked over drooling. He rolled down his window and smiled at Danny, without saying so much as hello I asked him to turn it off and turn it on again. He laughed and did, thoroughly enjoying my reaction. It is apparently not common for a girl to lick a nice car... Go figure. No one filled me in on that one. After seeing me drool, he asked if I wanted to drive it. I swear you could have heard my jaw hit the pavement. I asked what the catch was, he said Easy: you break it, you stole it. He smiled at me and tossed me the keys. I shivered with anticipation and jumped into his car, suddenly forgetting about the guy I had a crush on standing outside the car door. I sat in the drivers seat for a while, absorbing the full magnitude of quality mustang smell, feel, and sound. Turning the key in the ignition gave me goose bumps that started at my neck and spread down my arms and legs to my toes and fingertips. I grinned and put it in reverse. Driving was suddenly a lot more fun and a lot more scarey than it had ever been before. I drove through the apartment complex and onto the main road. When I came to the first red light, I smiled. The green light came on to spinning tires and the 4.6 liter orgasm on wheels speeding to the next light in somewhere around 5.2 seconds. I truly had an orgasm, maybe it was feeling the torque throw me back into the seat, maybe it was the cat-back exhaust purring behind me, but I couldnt help myself. I drove back to the apartment smiling. If I wrecked his car it would have been completely worth it.
I walked into the apartment and threw him back his keys. He asked how it went, I said zero to sixty gave me the best orgasm Id had in a while. He gave me that Yeah, right, look, but when he saw that I meant it, he asked if I would marry him. A hot girl who orgasms driving my car, yeah, I could get used to that. I grinned politely, and ignored his amazing blue eyes for the rest of the night while I attempted to get to his friend.
The night was lost in rock and roll fantasy: drugs, sex, and loud blaring music. A whirlwind of memory that floated from my head drink by dizzying drink. I remember bits and pieces. No piece big enough to make a whole night. I remember thinking about my ex. Jeff, who I had been with almost two years, who I had a promise ring from and had promised to marry after college. Hardly the man of my dreams, but he was settle worthy. I had settled too long, and gradually realized it the whole cheery month of December. I talked for aching hours about it to my best friend. She had fixed us up, she said break it off. I did, and cried about it. He cried. God, he cried. It ripped my heart out. I thought for a while I was hurting worse than him. I couldnt live without him. I had spent almost every waking hour with him because he told me to, and now I wanted to.
I didnt tell anyone at first, only my best friend knew. She knew the whole story. She knew that he had cheated on me, and lied to me, and made me call him every night. She knew that he made me cry, calling me while I was out at parties and almost sobbing on the phone. How could I do that to him? How could I go out and party at college while he was at home missing me? Why didnt I call him every hour like he wanted, didnt I love him? Its amazing how much one can keep bottled up. I had hated him, and now that I had broken up with him, I wanted him.
He begged me every day for a week straight to take him back. He said that he didnt understand why I didnt love him anymore, but that if I took him back he would make it all better. I held off, knowing that somehow I had to take my life back, make it mine again. He stopped calling after the second or third day, and all of a sudden he was right. I wanted it to be better. I did what he told me to, still. I took him back. We had sex, once, and somehow everything in my head clicked.
Its over.
I broke up with him again, and he cried again. I told him I needed space, that I couldnt figure out who I was while I was with him, that I thought I had lost myself. He asked if it was because I wanted to be a witch and dress goth. I laughed, then. He really didnt know me. Two years, and he didnt know anything about me. I was terrified as he drove away that last time. Watching him as he drove up the driveway and out of site made me realize that he was never coming back and that I didnt care. It was such a revelation that I could have died happy on the spot.
He was leaving, and I didnt care.
The twelve days of Christmas came and went, Christmas Day at my grandparents house was sad and familiar and confusing. Christmas was the time when everything was normal, it was all like it should be. Yet, everyone wanted to know about Jeff. Why did we break up? He seemed like such a nice boy. I ached for home, for my friends, for a party to numb my mind. After Christmas, I stared at his present, wrapped under the still standing Christmas tree, and didnt know what to do. I wanted him back again. I didnt know what I was supposed to do on my own. I wanted to call him and tell him to come get his present, but that would mean seeing him. What if it made me weak, and I took him back? After being so sure the last time, would seeing him change it? I called him anyways, and told him that I still wanted him to have his Christmas present. He came over, and I was waiting outside at my parents house. Leaning against the garage door, I watched him pull up. He parked his little red Miata where he had always parked it. He sat there for a minute, Im not sure if he was composing himself like I imagined he was. He opened his door and stood up, wearing that blue shirt that made his eyes so grey and his arms so inviting. He smelled so good... I took a deep breath, and held it. I dont know how long it was before I finally breathed again. I felt dizzy and weak. I handed him the box, and he smiled the saddest smile.
How are you? Familiar voice, familiar everything, and I hated him for it.
Im ok. I wanted him to leave. I didnt know what was happening. I couldnt believe I had dated him so long. All I could see were his bad points. He looked different, everything about him. He teeth looked different, his hair was shaggier than I remembered, his eyes didnt look as bright, he looked worn I was begging myself inside, to stay together until he left. Dont cry until he leaves...
He opened his present and smiled, it was something he wanted. Three hundred dollars of something he wanted, tossed into the passenger seat, my passenger seat. Thanks, he hesitated, and I knew he was trying to pull together a sentence. Something that would make me forgive him, something to make it better, just something, anything, and as he stood there reaching, I turned and left. I stepped inside the garage door, and stood there with my back to him. I heard him as he got back into his car and sped up the driveway. I heard the gravel crunching beneath his tires, and I stood there until I couldnt hear it anymore. Then I turned, and saw the empty space.
New Years Eve was the party I had been waiting for.
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'Night.