I'm blogging because I'm feeling antsy. I dislike feeling antsy and unfortunately, I feel it a lot. Especially lately.
Work has been frustrating and shit for the last couple of days which has been a real shame as for about a week before that, it had been pretty interesting and tolerable.
I'm still reading lots about web design and entertaining notions of one day soon telling my boss too eat shit and die and fuck off while he's doing it and go freelance.
The idea of being able to work from home, (or anywhere really with my trusty laptop, particularly pubs and kooky cafes and bookshops - all the better if they have Wi-Fi.) keep my own hours and cherry pick my own projects sounds wonderful.
Sadly it's unlikely to be the reality. Taking whatever work I can get and working all the hours is more likely in order to be able to afford such luxuries as housing and food.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by stuff I almost get paralysed. Sometimes it's thinking about stupid stuff like how much food is eaten worldwide in a day, or how many animals live in the sea and how many of those we've never encountered or know about and I tend to fixate on these ideas until I end up sat, freaked out and unable to do much of anything.
Today I came tumbling off my little (as it turned out,) self-congratulatory pedestal (which I've just discovered I can't spell...) where I had been happy with the progress I was making learning web design stuff after getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of shit there is to learn. I started reading a web design/development forum and before long I was completely lost and had no clue about what some people were even talking about.
This wasn't helped by the fact that I took another look at a site I've been working on and realised that I think it looks shit. It wouldn't be quite so bad except it's not really even my design - I've just redeveloped what they had already and somehow made it look worse. I have a tendency to overdo my designs. I like cool effects and so I put them in everywhere and then it looks shit. Subtlety it seems, is a long road for me, partly due to not having a very good sense of colour, despite having an artistic background.
Then I tried to open up the database server on my laptop and found I couldn't create databases due to lack of priviledges, (I was going to set up a test one for practice,) and couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. Then I opened up the web server and was going to put the site I'm working on on there but got confused and discourged and I started thinking about how little I know what I'm doing.
Meh. Anyway the amount of stuff I'd have to learn to be able to go for a job in web design or go freelance is a lot and I only have part of my evenings and weekends to be able to do this stuff. Even when I sit watching a DVD while we eat I keep thinking I should be doing something, so I open my laptop and... procrastinate.
Sure, I'll usually open the site I'm working on, but then I'll go read something on here or elsewhere instead of working on it because I just can't seem to face it.
It was exactly the same when I used to do 3D art. Sure I created a few nice models and images, but I was never what you'd call prodigious. It's the same with drawing and painting in general or writing. Dabble for a bit, get interested, think it may become a passion, falter, get overwhelmed, lose confidence, procrastinate, lose interest. I am nothing if not predictable.
I know of two things that help with the antsy-I-should-be doing-something-to-improve-myself-instead-of-whatever-I'm-doing feeling: drink and weed. Both of which help mellow me out - the weed in particular.
Problem is if I have enough of either I get too pissed or stoned to want to do anything except melt into the sofa and watch DVD's, which leads to the same guilt for procrastinating. Also the weed isn't doing me much good as my chest will attest, it just gets me hooked back on nicotine again.
I do worry about the health risks, so I've been making an effort to drink slightly less and I haven't smoked in about a week (feels longer). The result? I've been irritable and unable to sleep as easily. Yipee.
Apologies for the rampant whinging, but to paraphrase the song: It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.
January always feels like a long month.
Work has been frustrating and shit for the last couple of days which has been a real shame as for about a week before that, it had been pretty interesting and tolerable.
I'm still reading lots about web design and entertaining notions of one day soon telling my boss too eat shit and die and fuck off while he's doing it and go freelance.
The idea of being able to work from home, (or anywhere really with my trusty laptop, particularly pubs and kooky cafes and bookshops - all the better if they have Wi-Fi.) keep my own hours and cherry pick my own projects sounds wonderful.
Sadly it's unlikely to be the reality. Taking whatever work I can get and working all the hours is more likely in order to be able to afford such luxuries as housing and food.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by stuff I almost get paralysed. Sometimes it's thinking about stupid stuff like how much food is eaten worldwide in a day, or how many animals live in the sea and how many of those we've never encountered or know about and I tend to fixate on these ideas until I end up sat, freaked out and unable to do much of anything.
Today I came tumbling off my little (as it turned out,) self-congratulatory pedestal (which I've just discovered I can't spell...) where I had been happy with the progress I was making learning web design stuff after getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of shit there is to learn. I started reading a web design/development forum and before long I was completely lost and had no clue about what some people were even talking about.
This wasn't helped by the fact that I took another look at a site I've been working on and realised that I think it looks shit. It wouldn't be quite so bad except it's not really even my design - I've just redeveloped what they had already and somehow made it look worse. I have a tendency to overdo my designs. I like cool effects and so I put them in everywhere and then it looks shit. Subtlety it seems, is a long road for me, partly due to not having a very good sense of colour, despite having an artistic background.
Then I tried to open up the database server on my laptop and found I couldn't create databases due to lack of priviledges, (I was going to set up a test one for practice,) and couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. Then I opened up the web server and was going to put the site I'm working on on there but got confused and discourged and I started thinking about how little I know what I'm doing.
Meh. Anyway the amount of stuff I'd have to learn to be able to go for a job in web design or go freelance is a lot and I only have part of my evenings and weekends to be able to do this stuff. Even when I sit watching a DVD while we eat I keep thinking I should be doing something, so I open my laptop and... procrastinate.
Sure, I'll usually open the site I'm working on, but then I'll go read something on here or elsewhere instead of working on it because I just can't seem to face it.
It was exactly the same when I used to do 3D art. Sure I created a few nice models and images, but I was never what you'd call prodigious. It's the same with drawing and painting in general or writing. Dabble for a bit, get interested, think it may become a passion, falter, get overwhelmed, lose confidence, procrastinate, lose interest. I am nothing if not predictable.
I know of two things that help with the antsy-I-should-be doing-something-to-improve-myself-instead-of-whatever-I'm-doing feeling: drink and weed. Both of which help mellow me out - the weed in particular.
Problem is if I have enough of either I get too pissed or stoned to want to do anything except melt into the sofa and watch DVD's, which leads to the same guilt for procrastinating. Also the weed isn't doing me much good as my chest will attest, it just gets me hooked back on nicotine again.
I do worry about the health risks, so I've been making an effort to drink slightly less and I haven't smoked in about a week (feels longer). The result? I've been irritable and unable to sleep as easily. Yipee.
Apologies for the rampant whinging, but to paraphrase the song: It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.
January always feels like a long month.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
lashes:
I had something really interesting and helpful to say.. but my brain ate it mid thought- I'm such a loser, sorry. I hope you get shit sorted out soon though. 
lashes:
Lol,no problem. Anytime.