n8tvegrl

Waylon just might have the kindest soul on the planet. The other day we talked about how horrible Wal-Mart is and how their business practices allow adults and children to live in impoverished conditions around the world. So after hearing about how when the clothing manufacturers had asked to get $.02 more per garment the company insisted on $.01 LESS per garment he was really disturbed. He asked if we could just send those families some money to help them. I put it off and said that we could discuss how to help people this week when he was out of school.

So yesterday we're at dinner and I asked the boys how much money they have. Bryce (step son) has $17 because he buys himself things with the money he earns and recently spent some on a Tamagachi. Waylon has $59 because he's a good saver and hasn't been spending lately PLUS I owe him $30 for borrowing cash one night. So I asked them both how much they would like to give to a needy child or family somewhere and Bryce asked if he HAD to give any of his money away. I explained that he didn't have to but that there were many children like him that didn't even have enough food to eat or clothes and that many don't get to go to school. He decided he couldn't spare anything.

Then I asked Waylon. He thought about it and said that he wanted to spend $20 on his friend for a birthday gift so $30 is what he wants to give. This made my heart swell because Bryce and Waylon usually don't even pay for gifts for their friends so that was the first kindness. Then, to give such a large percentage of his earnings was what really blew me away. He didn't even bat an eyelash at the amount and was happy to do it.

So my question is this. Do we teach our children to be selfless and kind or is it innate? Anyone who met my children would think they are both amazingly well behaved and kind, however there are distinct differences between them. Do I continue to encourage them and shape them into human beings that think beyond themselves or is it something you're born with and can't really be cultivated?

Example 1.

Bryce picked out a video game the other day (Waylon gave him the option to choose) and then when he was losing he stormed off and pouted in his room. Waylon eventually abandoned the idea of playing the game and wanted to do something else but Bryce was still upset and didn't want to play. He was even trying to be kind and coax Bryce out of his funk even though it was entirely just Bryce being spoiled and sensitive. I had a talk with Bryce about sportsmanship and also told him that he should think of what his behavior is really saying. That he wants to win more than he wants to be kind to his brother. I tried to share with him that he was saying that his desire to be the winner was greater than his love and desire for his brother to win but he didn't get it.

Example 2.

When the boys were just four or five I gave Waylon 3 dollars for helping to clean the house. I told him we could go to the dollar store and he picked out a toy for himself, one for his brother, and one they could share. I never hinted or suggested anything... he wanted to do it on his own. The following week Bryce earned some money and his dad had to FORCE him to spend a dollar on a gift for Waylon because I mentioned what happened the previous week.

Example 3.

When Waylon was in preschool he told his teacher he wanted to do something kind to the world when he was asked what he wanted to do when he grew up. He also comforted the parent of his friend who lost her father and was not going to assist in the classroom for a week. He told her about how his great grandma had gone to heaven and he gave her a big hug. He also asked the teacher if he could give her a project he had been working on for weeks that was going to be a gift for me and offered it to her as the only gift he had. She came to me at the end of the year with tears in her eyes telling me how much she though of him. Meanwhile, Bryce was always doing well in class and kept every single thing he ever made in a big box at his moms house. He was a very bright child and was a star of the classroom, but he would tell you about it every chance he got.

I just don't know what to do and I hate thinking about all of this stuff because I love both of these boys. I just can't stand seeing how Waylon gets the shit end of the stick all the time because he's not an ass kisser while I see how much "truer" he is in his heart. It saddens me that he will grow up in a world that (for the most part) rewards people like Bryce and encourages people to focus on their own success and their own happiness.

It just bugs me because I get to hear about how Bryce does this and Bryce does that and he did this reading thing in his class and got a T Shirt for it. Meanwhile, Waylon read MORE THAN three times as many books this year but his school doesn't have the same program so he gets no T shirt. I am torn because I see things like this and feel badly that he doesn't get as much attention as Bryce but I don't want to spoil him. I am supportive of him but I don't let him live in a world where he is disillusioned enough to think that everything little he does deserves adulation and praise.

So the long and the short of it is that I have wonderful boys but I don't know how to get through to both of them to get them both to "get it." I think Waylon has a depth that is unusual for a kid his age so perhaps I shouldn't expect Bryce to be at the same level... but do I force him to be more considerate? How do I do it in a kind and non confrontational way? I already have more trust than his parents (he tells me about his school crushes, etc.) but I don't want to be an ugly step mom and make him feel shamed or unloved.



And back to a lighter subject...