murdamza

Another day, another dollar. That's what people tell me. Man, my job sucks. I didn't know how my working job could affect my personal life so much. But I guess that's the price I pay. I mean, I feel like a failure sometimes. It seems like other people have all the luck sometimes you know. When it comes to jobs. Some people can get them with a snap of a finger it seems. Not me, I don't know how many times, in how many places, I've applied. It's just been such a disappointing summer I guess, and we're not even half way done. I missed out two chances to get out of the state, and a experience of a lifetime. But I guess the powers above decided that I'm just not ready for that. It seems like I can't talk to people sometimes I suppose. I haven't even really discussed the two matters. I'm just so upset with one of my friends right now, and she hasn't even bother to call or even see how I'm doing after what she did. Those who know, know. I can't divulge any more information than that. And if she reads this somehow, someway, you know who you are. I've given her so many chances in the past couple of months to redeem herself from the bottom of the barrel, and you know what, she almost made it back to the top. Everything was almost back to the same, and then that's when all the bullshit happened. And the funny thing, is that I'm not the only person she pissed off. Hell it's more than two. In a way, I hope she reads this somehow. Because I'm not going to call her and tell her this. I don't know how many times I went out of my way for her. How many times I was there for her. All the times I talked to her late at night on the phone, even knowing that I had to wake up early the next day, it didn't matter at the time, because I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the best friend I could be. This is how hurt and disappointed I am with her.
No matter what happens, I still feel like no one really understands. I suppose I'm in over my head on this thing. I thought I could do certain things in my life, but somethings are just way too hard, and nothing ever comes easy right? I just hate dealing with absolutes. I hate knowing the end to something. Its like why bother? Why should I change? I've just been so bummed out lately. People of all sorts have been pissing me off. I need a new job. I expend all my anger at work yelling at people, that it carries over to home. And for those who have felt the brunt of it, I'm sorry. Maybe I should write this in my notebook, but whats the point anyway to that, if it's addressed to everybody? I guess I need a real job to make people proud of me. Parents, family, friends. I'm not a failure, I'm not a disappointment. I am not those. But I'm still not sure of what I'm supposed to do in life, and I guess that's whats holding me back from being able to truly express how I feel sometimes. I'm just not that kind of person to tell all right away. There's still a lot of things my best friends don't know about me, and that's my fault. But I guess it takes something to make you sad, mad, or angry to truly realize what you want in life. I just hope I find the answer soon. I just don't know how much more bullshit in my life I can put up with. I guess everyone reaches their breaking point, and I've guess I've gotten to mine. But I also guess everyone who's normal has felt like this. If you haven't, then I guess you've never really lived in life. I mean, there's always going to be something I'm going to have worry about. And I shouldn't let things interfere with each other. I'm just not ready to give up on certain aspects of my life yet. And I guess that's all I have to get off of my chest for tonight.
Besides, there's much bigger problems in the world than mine. I just received a call from my best friend just now, and I realized on how much of my life that I do love. So thanks for that buddie. Thanks for reading guys, I appreciate everything you ever done in my life, and I can't ask for anything more. And for those wondering, I'll will be posting up new songs/poems soon, I've been writing a lot, I'll think you'll be surprised by the subject material I know I was, lol.