The first time I heard about Suicide Girls, a guy I crushed on gave me a copy the first ever tour DVD . I went straight home, chucked it on while not knowing what to expect...my jaw dropped.
Here was this adorable as fuck woman with bright blue hair, staring at me through the camera, it was @missy, talking straight to me, telling me it is ok to not be the Baywatch model, that it’s ok to not be blonde, thin, airbrushed magazine perfect, that to be different is what makes me beautiful. I grew up in a military house hold, so dying my hair and getting piercings was never allowed no matter how much I begged. Yet here were these girls living their best lives!! I remember sitting there leaning off the couch and hanging on to every single word that she was saying. I knew that the internet had forums and chat groups for every kind of interest out there, but I had no idea that there was this massive community of people all desperate to not conform and still feel loved.
I had to find these people!
I wanted to be one of these amazing women. I wanted to feel free, but where would I even begin? A chubby little red head from country Australia, with no tattoos and no freedom to express myself let alone knowledge on how cameras work.
So I pushed that dream into the back of my head for a couple more years until I was 23 when I gained this new resurgence of passion. I’d started to get a couple of little tattoos, some sneaky little strips of colour in my hair and I had finally moved out of home. I started making an account and I was so ready to get naked in front of a camera! But alas, it wasn’t meant to be then either, as I was in a really dark place with my confidence and mental health. My roommate was a massive toxic contributor, telling me that I shouldn’t bother as no one would want to see what I could do anyway. I was too fat, too ugly, not alternative enough. I believed her and I gave up.
A few more years went by and a really good friend of mine @mischief, who had joined the site in her own time, did her first set. I was unbelievably inspired, she looked Fucking unbelievable!! What was I doing? Why was I denying myself the same right to feel and look that good?!
(Set shot by @victory)
Enter attempt number 3, I set up my first ever shoot with @coolicio, Mischief came with me to hold my hand (and the reflectors) and make me feel more at ease as I was still so scared.
I remember getting to the hotel and constantly shaking. Ash was like an old friend who I hadn’t seen for ages. She was the absolute best possible person/photographer to first work with.
But, that didn’t stop me from drinking a bottle of moscato before we began just to calm my nerves. Ironically, I didn’t start to feel properly calm till I started to peel off my layers; the more naked I was in front of the camera, the more I felt like I was where I truly needed to be. I’m not the biggest fan of that set, but it is the most meaningful to me because every time I look at it I see my transformation. I can see myself frame by frame becoming the woman I always wanted and needed to be.
A fire was started in my belly that day, but at that stage I had absolutely no clue what was yet to come, this whole time all my motivation was to be one of the many naked babes out there.
I fell like Alice into a rabbit hole of boobs, falling head first into a wonderland of community.
A few months had gone by and my only interaction with the community had been little comments and like on online posts, so when the opportunity to work with ash again at a mini shootfest came up I knew I had to be a part of it. It was the first time I met a heap of girls in person, almost all of which are still some of my most favorite people in this world. It was the first time I had been in a room full of girls all like me; weird and wonderful in their own ways! This shoot being my second ever will forever be my absolute favorite because it was the very first taste I had of the sg community. Throughout the shoot I was roaring with laughter, beaming ear to ear! I had felt unbelievably welcomed. I had never felt so comfortable in my own skin, naked in a room full of stunning women, feeling like I was exactly where I was meant to be!
(@bambie & @aubrey)
A few months later was the annual Suicide Girls Australia ball, and just my luck, it was in Sydney! I was crazy nervous that I wouldn’t make any friends, and I wasn’t going to be successful enough to fit in, but once I got there, it was like being in a room full of my closest friends. That night was it for me, I felt then and there that I was home.
This site has never once made me feel less than or like I didn’t belong, it has become more than family to me; it is my tribe.
This site has given me hundreds of amazing memories with so many beautiful people that contribute to my quality of life in so many ways. We have advice/support groups where everyone is so ready to be the one to lean on, even if we had never met face to face. We have sleep overs when girls are feeling down, we open our home to those going through rough patches and we share our accomplishments with pride. We build each other up and we all have each other’s backs.
(@kettle @jaskola @arachnie @mariajupiter at 2007 Brisbane shootfest week)
My entire journey on this site I have never once focused on only going pink. Thats because the real value is the people. SuicideGirls not only changed my life, it saved it too. They gave me self-worth, helped build my confidence, and finally gave me the home I have been yearning for.
I have had really dark days, some of which still show up now and then, but for as long as I am a part of this amazing slice of the internet, I know I am loved, I am supported, I am safe, and I will never ever be alone.
(Photo courtesy of the MFC/SG meet up)
@vorpal @rambo @sean
