mr_peen

ok, i find it interesting that my life is the most boring life on earth. i see people who i hope like me, people i like, people i hang out with. and they always tell me their story and they want to make it seem so horrible or tragic. i usually laugh inside, if they only knew the life i have been drifting through. i do not know how to be a friend. i do not know how to meet people. i do not know what to say in any given situation. it is depression to hear someone tell you their trials and tribulations when you for whatever reason have never had these expeirences. it makes me feel sad to know that i am a failure. i have failed at work, i have failed my friends, i have failed to make and keep old friends. i used to worry alot about how boring i am, i realized that i am not boring but my life for whatever reason is. i dont feel worthy to have my best friend. i see so many better friends that she could have. people that have been successful, people who are intelligent well beyond my mere public high school knowledge. i try to fight my habits, i try to fight my own brain. i try to talk in social atmospheres, i hang out with people when my mind tells me to run away before it is too late. before i make a mistake. before the situation becomes akward. i have stopped running lately. running from my fears, my fear of failure. running only left me tired and behind the social power curve. growing up i never really had friends, maybe one or two at a time. and then there was my tv, my best friend for years. i learned everything from a small box with antennae. i was scared of ppl. i was scared that my mobile home would get made fun of. i was scared that i might have to defend something that i did not want in the first place. so i learned to be alone. and i have spent years with only one or two friends.
recently i have been able to read books, for whatever reason when i was younger, i could not sit still long enough to read, and recently i attempted to read a book, and i could. since then i have read three books cover to cover, and i am workin on three books right now. three books at the same time. this might not sound big, but i never thought i would be able to sit and read one book. i started to read a book on bipolar disorder. mainly to help cope with family and friends with the disorder. hopefully i can help them through the hard times. a friend wrote to me, a friend i havent seen since 1997, i was amazed he wrote me, not vice versa. it is weird to think that i had some kind of influence in a persons life and that they would pursue communications with me after so long. i also discovered that i have a hard time dealing with any person that does not like me. i try to me nice to everyone so it is hard for me to understand someone not liking me. anyway, enough babbling. i miss all the sg ppl that i know. take care, till next time america