moya

"There are some people who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of our imaginations."

I'm not sure if this is a good or bad mood. I woke up about an and hour and a half ago. I went to sleep about six hours ago. I did that thing where I woke on every hour, and that's always a sign it's going to be getting even peachier. And then after waking up...

My ex was in my last/second last(?) dream, the one I've had trouble getting over in the long time we've been broken up. That is also not a good sign if it's a peachy afternoon. I can't remember what my first couple dreams were about, somewhere in there, I woke up and drank almost a bottle of water. I don't remember that. But I'm still shivering and I turned the heat up high awhile ago. My deodorant is perspiring.

It started out that we were chatting online. I think I was with either Sara or my cousin Laura. I can't tell. And we weren't here, it seemed like we were in this huge department-store type place. Well, no, it reminds me of being inside the Art Museum, here in Milwaukee. If you've ever been in there, you know the airy feeling, wide open space and tall cielings. But it seemed like it was in a deprtment store, because there were shiny decorations, and it had gold glows to it all, like it was still the holidays.

I remember I couldn't spell correctly. My grammer and punctuation was terrible, too, and I was getting pissed off about it. Then I was laying in my bed, at home, typing about how bad my typing was to him. Then he mentioned something about meeting up 'tomorrow' because he had off, and how we had both changed in the past couple years and that I shouldn't be scared anymore. Etcetera.

Things get foggy, but we eventually met up that night, with my friend (cousin?) and decide we're going to go see the opening of some thing that next day. Store? Art gallery? Coffee shop? I don't know. But we're racing around, and through all of it, he's trying to talk to me, to make me feel better. We were on the trains in Illinois for some reason, and kept transferring and I got so confused and it was really emotional. I remember there was a train wreck on the track next to us, and the way ours seemed to be going, we were going to run right into it. But at last minute, it curved out of the way and across five other tracks after going in a circle, and we were on our way.

I guess we got to the place and it had ended, we were late. We were pretty disappointed, and I had wanted to cry at that point. I remember trying to avoid looking at him, and failing unsuccessfully through our whole adventure.

And then I woke up feeling emotional and panicked, shaking and ready to cry. So I rolled out of bed into my computer chair here, and..he's online.
Since the break up, he stopped using that screen name of his. Since he is such a fucking computer geek (he never logged off, always chatting, was always downloading, etc..), I started to wonder one day why he was never online. So I kept a watch and he never signed on. And months, many months went by. These days, he signs on, maybe once every few months, for a couple hours. It's a rare thing he signs on under his old screen name (I really can't believe he gave up the internet/chatting, so I figure he just got a new screen name, even though he loved his old one). The significance of him being online is that, he's never online, and he is after such a dream. I've dreamt of him before, but..eh.

Everytime, I tell myself I'm going to say hi. Because there are so few chances. But the time comes and he signs on, and.. I say I'll do it next time. Next time, and I say next time. I feel bad that I can't do it, but I can't help but fear the change it would cause if I did. He's happy with his girlfriend, probably fiance by now, and I need to move on. It's been..a long time. You just can't stop yourself from missing someone, can you? My dream didn't help one bit.

I just feel really wierd still is all.

I went to Gurnee Mills today with a few people, didn't help I woke up feeling like shit with a really bad headache. I won't say how many pills I took, and they did nothing anyway. I ended up buying plastic gloves, but the damn Hot Topic store didn't have the set with gloves and a tinting brush. When, oh when, is my hair goine to get done..

I'm going up to Eau Claire the weekend of February 3rd. I'm going to get something pierced with the rest of the girls.. They are getting their tongues done, and I'd like to do mine, but I really hate any sort of pain with my mouth, so I'd probably turn into a real irritable bitch. And it'd hurt like a motherfucker, too, and bleed alot. So, I won't tell you what I'm going to get done, I haven't decided.. Or maybe I will? I have plans of what I'd like to have in two years time. I'll slowly get there, one or two piercings at a time.
And tattoos.

Not much else to report. I feel wierd, still. I'm shit out of tampons, which I did not forsee, I thought I was stocked, but..nope.. And WalMart is closed. Fuckers.

All I've got to eat is soup and noodles. I don't want either. I may starve tonight. Somehow, I'm still very tired, so perhaps I'll crawl back into bed and report to you the ten ways I died in my dreams tromorrow? "Am I still really here? Can these people see me?"
Tonight is just so fucked up. The library is even closed. Ugh. Fuck. Is it tomorrow yet?

Oh. I made myself new arm-warmers. They are better than yours.