I had hoped as I do most days, I could wake up today and write to you all that my health was improving somehow, but unfortunately to say that would be a very large lie. I am not doing well at all. So much so I haven't even been able to stream. My face keeps swelling for some reason, and I cant keep food down which is getting worse by the day it seems. Eating dinner today was a mistake I have been paying for since 6pm most definitely. I was in so much pain I basically passed out for four hours now and I feel extremely sick and lethargic. It just is what it is I suppose. I have tried to make appointments around here but I owe everyone so much money that unless I changed drs I am not going to get seen any time soon. I owe the gastro about 600$ so they refuse to even see me until it is paid. Seems honestly criminal. I tried to call Tuesday and reason with them but they get extremely rude with me as is par for the course. I cant go to the ER because, well, the hospitals are to the brim with covid patients and all they will frankly do is what they always do, tell me to see my drs. So what's the point in trying I guess.
I just really keep trying to have some hope that something will turn a corner but the days get longer as I feel worse.
Obviously its not just the gastroparesis....this brain tumor has me in for so many things aside from the incessant unbearable migraines I cant even keep track of the days anymore half the time. I was going to stream today I had all these big plans and boom, it all hit me at once. Its honestly getting exhausting and disheartening.
I am sorry to bellyache, but I quite literally....have a bad belly ache and I am getting impatient and frustrated and I am not sur where to begin to help myself as every attempt is met with resistance. I barely have the energy to keep up with the walls around me and I hate every second of it. I want to be present and be the old me even for a day I feel like I could accomplish so much to make up for how little I have been able to do.
Ok, I said I was going to stop all that. I thought typing it all out might be somewhat cathartic and helpful. I don't know. I am so frustrated I need covid to go away, I need people to go home and stay home and wear masks properly and just be good people so people like me can go get help for things that aren't covid that are killing us a whole lot slower. I know I am not the only person in a very bad place. I am not the only person who started the year or will end it with the words "you are dying, and there is nothing we can really do, we cant help you".
Some of us are losing our literal right to live because so many people think that wearing a face diaper is just so unbelievably unfair. I feel utterly disposable. Like I just am nothing and I don't matter because how dare I have other health conditions so I deserve to die. Its a layer on my already fragile mental space that has really been grasping me around the throat tightly lately.
I just want a day of good feelings. I need it right now or I am not sure where the strength to keep going is going to come from anymore. I am out of rabbits and hats. I am running literally out of time and each day I inch closer to the end, but for real.
I just so desperately want it to all be over with so I can pick up the pieces and figure out what normal is again. I just didn't imagine wed be at almost December and I still have this cancerous nightmare LITWERALLY growing into my thoughts.
But here we are.
What am I thankful for????
You guys.
my beautiful little sweet kitty that lays with me day in and day out when I just cant find the strength or love for the rest of the world anymore.
My family, what's left of them that even bother with me.
Not being in a wheelchair or having a feeding tube shoved down my throat again so I can at least still taste some real food for the time being. though I think both of these things are looming in my future....
Still being able to hear out of both ears..... I may not be able to understand people a lot of the time, but the beautiful sound of noise at all, I am grateful to enjoy it for now even if it is a garbled mess.
The fact that I can still smile with both side of my face most days. I might be crooked, but I can do it. That is something.
I can still get myself dressed and out of bed most of the time without help. Bad days exist, yes, but I can still feel like a human adult as well.
The ability to think, and feel and express ourselves is a beautiful gift we take for granted or don't appreciate at all these days. The ability to listen to smile to enjoy things. I can do most of these things even in a limited capacity but I am grateful for the capacity at all. I am also grateful that not all who live have to suffer in the ways that so many do in silence. I wish people could understand more how precious and beautiful every single day is. I reflect on this almost every day and I try and find at least one good for the day to focus on. It may seem so small, like, finishing up the laundry, nothing is more satisfying that a completely empty clothes hamper, and everything is actually neatly put away. That is something so dumb, but I often fail at for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin.... I gasp so hard so often at normalcy and come up shorter and shorter sometimes....and so something so small as sweeping the floor, as ridiculous as it seems, can be such a mounting task and an enormous accomplishment. But I feel like a giant weight and a sense of purpose wash over me when I am able to do something so seemingly simple for the day sometimes. It can almost feel for a moment like I am half of myself again.
I also want to apologize I don't always have the energy to reply or interact with people outside of my pages. I don't always reach out and I want to and I should but frankly its so hard. Its taken me over and hour just to write this blog because I cant focus for very long and I make so many mistakes I have to constantly go back and correct things so this is even remotely legible. My thoughts are as disjointed as my fingers are at communicating with my brain coherently.
But with all of that I would like to try to send out Christmas cards. I thought about using it as a way to raise money for my health costs, so I can do things like pay this damn gastro so i can go get my belly looked at again.... I need something to do. I usually do this every year and I haven't this last two and I need to feel normal more than anything right now. I have a ton of polaroid film and instax so I was thinking of sending out an insta-film and a card in something sexy for Christmas I have been working on to everyone that donated 5$ or more to my go-fundme... what do ya'll think? Is that too much $? I don't know the going rate for something like that??? I have cards already so that part is easy. Just would need more stamps lol. It would be nice to get some cards also. I got some from ya'll in 2017 after my surgery and it really really cheered me up! I still seriously have every single letter, card or otherwise any of you have ever send me since I became a member in 2007. You've all always been there for me and I feel like I should so so much more for you to make up for all the kindness. I am sorry I don't have more energy to do so sometimes. I have a photoset I am trying to get edited and get turned in since I gave up on the last photo set. I picked up a few cheap props and I am modifying a set of lingerie I had for Christmas also. I am hoping to post a Christmas set to SG and a few different ones to OF.
We will see if I can do it. I have to set these goals for myself and commit to them or each day just tends to slide by and I do nothing.
Idk, this whole blog is a giant word vomit. I hope no one minds. I have so many things I want to do and who knows if I will get to half of them. I am still trying to slowly work on my dream costume to be a Boba or a Mando of some kind.... I want to be a part of the Mando mercs or the 501st so bad. I've been playing with a bit of foam, but so far I have binned my attempts haha. If we didn't have dreams, we wouldn't have anything. I still have a half finished slave Leia to work on but I ran out of damn worbla haha.
What can you do. I'm not decorating for Christmas I don't think this year, so I can spend my energy elsewhere. We have two kittens that are parkour champs so I assumed it would just end in tears if I bothered..... This is what I am talking about when I say I have to choose what I spend energy on now, and weigh the pros and cons. With no family coming for the holidays it seems just pointless anyhow.
ok, I am done complaining. I had to get these feelings out I have felt so frustrated and lost. I hope you all understand.
Here's a sexy Vader pic, if you've made it thus far, LOL!
<3<3<3
