modkitten

i officially just spent yet another aimless (sleepless) night...its amazing how i could watch hour after hour roll by- knowing that there are actually things i should and NEED to be doing in order to continue functioning like a relatively normal human being...and yet, i still manage to amaze even myself with my impressive ability to just about anything else BESIDES what i should be doing. i think im subconsciously creating a situation of self-sabotage...have been missing work, credit card people are ready to hunt me down, school went a bit to hell...and the only reason i can come up with (it makes sense in my world of logic) is that i need to create problems or situations that will stir up a good amount of motivating anxiety as i then need to resolve these unnecessary challenges/dramas that ive allowed to grow to monstrous proportions...sigh...i need to find something else that'll give me a sense motivation, without having to dig myself into (an evergrowing) hole in the process.

(in keeping with this topic- but on a happier note) my boyfriend, my love, inspires me to venture into challenges (like creative/artistic endeavors) that i was afraid to do before- fear of failure, not being the best, i suppose- but now, art doesnt feel like such a competition anymore. this is a good thing, because when i stopped taking pictures, acting, playing music, writing (all of which had defined me as a person) i think a pretty important part of me started to fade, and i miss that part.