It's time to come clean.
7/30/2005 9:36:03 PM
Something I've been reluctant to tell you. Things are about to get very very ugly.
If you can remember back, it was December thirtieth, two thousand four, a couple days before the new year that was to usher in fresh beginnings and a healthier wealthier life... and shit like that. Well that never happened. Im sure youve realized. Ive been incommunicado now for quite some time and for good reason. Bush and his thugs are onto me. Terrible things have happened since that day. That fateful day in the Aardvarks Anus. Perhaps you remember, perhaps not. I was held at gun point by my crazed blubbering lawyer and forced to drink Bourbon while he unleashed a pissing political tirade which ended with the both of us in Jail for the weekend. Luckily I was able to get my shifts covered at work using the excuse that I had to go to Boston for family matters for the weekend. (I dont even have family there.) I did this all in the back of a cruiser, asking my good friend and Savior, B-- to help me. (Im about to ask her if shell be my personal assistant.) She said yes just as the Copper yanked the phone from my hand.
You see, after drinking about seventy-five dollars worth of Bourbon Caldwell realized he needed to use the Bathroom. Unfortunately the bathroom was still locked. If youll recall I locked it early in the evening in order to fend off Caldwell and his death stare. Now the only way in was through the window out back but Caldwell was to fat to fit through anyway and I was too drunk to climb it. What came next was a true testament to Caldwell and the kind of man he is. You see, unlike me, Caldwell is a man of action and when things go awry he takes things into his own hands. And thus we found ourselves on the corner 109th. and Amsterdam with Caldwell, pants around his ankles taking a shit beneath the street lamp. I took my jacket off and tried to shield him from the view of passing cars when a cruiser pulled up and flicked on his search light. And there we were. Like deer in the headlights: Caldwell squatting, turd half way out and me swaying. The cop yelling freeze! Thats when I turned to Caldwell to offer some moral support.
Dont worry. I said to him. Carry on. I dont think he means it literally.
Caldwell grumbled, lost his balance and fell backwards sitting right in the pile of yesterdays Cabbage and Pizza but not with out pulling me over with him. Luckily I managed to avoid his filth but this mattered little since we had to spend two days in the same cell anyway.
Well I never told you about Caldwell's ungodly plot which I was to take part in. A sick ill-advised adventure. But the die had been cast and it was snake eyes for us. It was over this wretched weekend that he finally convinced me to participate in his perfidy. An odious plan full of high treason, sex, death, illegal substances, and excrement of the lowest order. His plan was to start a revolutionary band of malcontents to reclaim the American Constitution from the whoring Christian shit mongers who have infiltrated the government and drive them out with blazing pokers into a valley and have em sprayed with something sticky and highly flammable while the rest of us flick cigarette butts at them after weve humped their wives. These are Caldwells words. Verbatim.
I am apparently his first apostle. His St. Peter of sorts. I am in charge of recruitment, drugs, liquor, and loose women and most importantly the dissemination of dissent. (That is to chronicle and publish by any means possible all of our hideousness.) All of which he thinks I have a talent for. I personally think hes sorely mistaken:
a.) I only have five friends and aside for, B-- the rest of them, Caldwell, Victor, D--, and J-- have no friends.
b.) With regards to drugs and liquor, Im only good at ingesting.
c.) As for my luck with women, I couldnt get laid in a whore house if my mother where the Madam and you were paying. Hell, Im married to a cockroach and even she hates me. Much to the chagrin of Victor and his upward battle to improve Cockroach, Human relations. Hes very upset over the whole thing and has even offered to pay for counseling. The truth of it is. I have needs. Certain sexual needs that shes just physically incapable of fulfilling. And vise versa! Its mind boggling really: Victors inability to recognize our anatomical differences. God bless that roach. Enough about my marriage though. Back to this, this, albatross with seven heads.
Once these chronicles are made public, Im sure to be flayed. I can see the headlines now: Cockroach Loving Freak Eggs Dick Cheney: Laughs maniacally as Secret Service shove his face into a big pile of dog poo while being cuffed and beaten. Terror alerts rise two notches. U.S. Military forces begin arbitrary search and seizure of random homes. Bloombooger gives a thumbs up while Pataki (the dry mouthed lizard with the pasty tongue drinks another glass of water to wash down his peanut butter and Clonipin sandwich. Or maybe that was Viagra.) Six more journalist fired for telling lies. Syria and Iran hail America as their hero! Muslims thank George Bush for showing them the light! Iraq to unveil its new name: Iraqiburton. Palestinians finally acquiesce and apologize. The Jews are right. They say. Palestinians proffer all their property along with their first born males for target practice before moving: Massive influx into Jersey! Palestinians unite, celebrating there new found freedom. Neighbors lament the proliferation of 7elevens before realizing, Its just what we need.
Alls quiet on the home front!
Those fucking assholes! Bastard pig fuckers! Im gonna end up in Guantanimo Bay with a carrot in my ass and electrodes stitched into my tits and some frothing red-faced gun toting Jesus freak screaming in my face while his buddies jerk off in a circle. I am now on the march. Ive given notice at work. Soon I will be heading north with nothing but a rage and a sickening desire to save my country, or at least see it one last time before its irrevocably trashed by the GOP. Thus begins Operation, Save The Constitution. Hereto referred to as S.T.C.
I will post after the facts lest they intercept me. I mustnt let them know.
7/30/2005 9:36:03 PM
Something I've been reluctant to tell you. Things are about to get very very ugly.
If you can remember back, it was December thirtieth, two thousand four, a couple days before the new year that was to usher in fresh beginnings and a healthier wealthier life... and shit like that. Well that never happened. Im sure youve realized. Ive been incommunicado now for quite some time and for good reason. Bush and his thugs are onto me. Terrible things have happened since that day. That fateful day in the Aardvarks Anus. Perhaps you remember, perhaps not. I was held at gun point by my crazed blubbering lawyer and forced to drink Bourbon while he unleashed a pissing political tirade which ended with the both of us in Jail for the weekend. Luckily I was able to get my shifts covered at work using the excuse that I had to go to Boston for family matters for the weekend. (I dont even have family there.) I did this all in the back of a cruiser, asking my good friend and Savior, B-- to help me. (Im about to ask her if shell be my personal assistant.) She said yes just as the Copper yanked the phone from my hand.
You see, after drinking about seventy-five dollars worth of Bourbon Caldwell realized he needed to use the Bathroom. Unfortunately the bathroom was still locked. If youll recall I locked it early in the evening in order to fend off Caldwell and his death stare. Now the only way in was through the window out back but Caldwell was to fat to fit through anyway and I was too drunk to climb it. What came next was a true testament to Caldwell and the kind of man he is. You see, unlike me, Caldwell is a man of action and when things go awry he takes things into his own hands. And thus we found ourselves on the corner 109th. and Amsterdam with Caldwell, pants around his ankles taking a shit beneath the street lamp. I took my jacket off and tried to shield him from the view of passing cars when a cruiser pulled up and flicked on his search light. And there we were. Like deer in the headlights: Caldwell squatting, turd half way out and me swaying. The cop yelling freeze! Thats when I turned to Caldwell to offer some moral support.
Dont worry. I said to him. Carry on. I dont think he means it literally.
Caldwell grumbled, lost his balance and fell backwards sitting right in the pile of yesterdays Cabbage and Pizza but not with out pulling me over with him. Luckily I managed to avoid his filth but this mattered little since we had to spend two days in the same cell anyway.
Well I never told you about Caldwell's ungodly plot which I was to take part in. A sick ill-advised adventure. But the die had been cast and it was snake eyes for us. It was over this wretched weekend that he finally convinced me to participate in his perfidy. An odious plan full of high treason, sex, death, illegal substances, and excrement of the lowest order. His plan was to start a revolutionary band of malcontents to reclaim the American Constitution from the whoring Christian shit mongers who have infiltrated the government and drive them out with blazing pokers into a valley and have em sprayed with something sticky and highly flammable while the rest of us flick cigarette butts at them after weve humped their wives. These are Caldwells words. Verbatim.
I am apparently his first apostle. His St. Peter of sorts. I am in charge of recruitment, drugs, liquor, and loose women and most importantly the dissemination of dissent. (That is to chronicle and publish by any means possible all of our hideousness.) All of which he thinks I have a talent for. I personally think hes sorely mistaken:
a.) I only have five friends and aside for, B-- the rest of them, Caldwell, Victor, D--, and J-- have no friends.
b.) With regards to drugs and liquor, Im only good at ingesting.
c.) As for my luck with women, I couldnt get laid in a whore house if my mother where the Madam and you were paying. Hell, Im married to a cockroach and even she hates me. Much to the chagrin of Victor and his upward battle to improve Cockroach, Human relations. Hes very upset over the whole thing and has even offered to pay for counseling. The truth of it is. I have needs. Certain sexual needs that shes just physically incapable of fulfilling. And vise versa! Its mind boggling really: Victors inability to recognize our anatomical differences. God bless that roach. Enough about my marriage though. Back to this, this, albatross with seven heads.
Once these chronicles are made public, Im sure to be flayed. I can see the headlines now: Cockroach Loving Freak Eggs Dick Cheney: Laughs maniacally as Secret Service shove his face into a big pile of dog poo while being cuffed and beaten. Terror alerts rise two notches. U.S. Military forces begin arbitrary search and seizure of random homes. Bloombooger gives a thumbs up while Pataki (the dry mouthed lizard with the pasty tongue drinks another glass of water to wash down his peanut butter and Clonipin sandwich. Or maybe that was Viagra.) Six more journalist fired for telling lies. Syria and Iran hail America as their hero! Muslims thank George Bush for showing them the light! Iraq to unveil its new name: Iraqiburton. Palestinians finally acquiesce and apologize. The Jews are right. They say. Palestinians proffer all their property along with their first born males for target practice before moving: Massive influx into Jersey! Palestinians unite, celebrating there new found freedom. Neighbors lament the proliferation of 7elevens before realizing, Its just what we need.
Alls quiet on the home front!
Those fucking assholes! Bastard pig fuckers! Im gonna end up in Guantanimo Bay with a carrot in my ass and electrodes stitched into my tits and some frothing red-faced gun toting Jesus freak screaming in my face while his buddies jerk off in a circle. I am now on the march. Ive given notice at work. Soon I will be heading north with nothing but a rage and a sickening desire to save my country, or at least see it one last time before its irrevocably trashed by the GOP. Thus begins Operation, Save The Constitution. Hereto referred to as S.T.C.
I will post after the facts lest they intercept me. I mustnt let them know.
annalee:
Thank you very much! 
jewcy:
good luck and godspeed.