here's the thing about "us". there is no "us". tried that, didn't work. I'm not "us" material. never have been.
Here's my layers:
1. Dura: My barrier against assholes, especially important because I find myself attracted to assholes. It's tough, abrasive, and unwielding. Rude and vulgar. Unapproachable. Bitch. Cold. Intimidating. Masculine? Loud and opinionated. Communicate feelings of lust/wrath/pride. Hides actual desires.
2. Arachnoid: Doubt, conflict, confusion, tangled, messy, COMPLICATED and over-analyzing, self-loathing. Emoting, sloth, gluttony, envy, greed.
3. Pia: Vulnerable. Sweet and trusting, polite, loving, welcoming, quiet with thoughtful speech, listening, caring, easily hurt. Faith, hope, love, charity.
Somewhere under my external mess is a genuinely good person. Right now, I would say that I'm not a good person. I lie, deceive, manipulate. I'm rude, I don't listen, I don't practice true charity. Despite my obsession with quoting Nietzsche I've definitely turned into the demons I'm trying to fight. By building walls to protect myself from harm, I also keep the people that are willing to love and accept me at an unhealthy distance. Funny how growing older lets a person step back for a better perspective of themselves. Or maybe now I'm not letting others decide how I dissect myself under the microscope of introspective paranoia.
Very cliche, I think, to realize that not everybody is judging you (well duh, the world is NOT that obsessed with me, contrary to popular belief) and even if they are it's not going to ruin your life. I think that because of my hypervigiliant people watching (fyi, "hypervigiliant" is a psychological label, I didn't just think of it) and constant internal social analysis (basically my brain never stops processing, even the most useless info) I assume it's the norm for everyone. A lot of the observations that I verbalize end up pissing people off. Not because I mean them in a vicious way, but because I'm simply sharing what I observe. But when those thoughts turn to words I sound like a godawful, know-it-all bitch.
I hate how I end up treating people. Especially people I try to keep at a distance.
And THAT, that totally nonsensical CRAP, is why I don't have close friends. Why I'm always the slut and never the nice girlfriend you'd take home to Mom and Dad. I'm pretty sure all this over-analytical mental stuff qualifies me as crazy. Do other people do things like this, or am I wayyyyyy fucked up in the head?
Nevertheless, I'm trying hard to be a hardworking, responsible, caring, unselfish, spiritual, strong woman. I want to stop hiding the decent, respectful, intelligent side with all this fake bullshit. It's the road less travelled, for sure, but maybe this self-actualization/existential crisis is actually worth the struggle. I don't really know.
Here's my layers:
1. Dura: My barrier against assholes, especially important because I find myself attracted to assholes. It's tough, abrasive, and unwielding. Rude and vulgar. Unapproachable. Bitch. Cold. Intimidating. Masculine? Loud and opinionated. Communicate feelings of lust/wrath/pride. Hides actual desires.
2. Arachnoid: Doubt, conflict, confusion, tangled, messy, COMPLICATED and over-analyzing, self-loathing. Emoting, sloth, gluttony, envy, greed.
3. Pia: Vulnerable. Sweet and trusting, polite, loving, welcoming, quiet with thoughtful speech, listening, caring, easily hurt. Faith, hope, love, charity.
Somewhere under my external mess is a genuinely good person. Right now, I would say that I'm not a good person. I lie, deceive, manipulate. I'm rude, I don't listen, I don't practice true charity. Despite my obsession with quoting Nietzsche I've definitely turned into the demons I'm trying to fight. By building walls to protect myself from harm, I also keep the people that are willing to love and accept me at an unhealthy distance. Funny how growing older lets a person step back for a better perspective of themselves. Or maybe now I'm not letting others decide how I dissect myself under the microscope of introspective paranoia.
Very cliche, I think, to realize that not everybody is judging you (well duh, the world is NOT that obsessed with me, contrary to popular belief) and even if they are it's not going to ruin your life. I think that because of my hypervigiliant people watching (fyi, "hypervigiliant" is a psychological label, I didn't just think of it) and constant internal social analysis (basically my brain never stops processing, even the most useless info) I assume it's the norm for everyone. A lot of the observations that I verbalize end up pissing people off. Not because I mean them in a vicious way, but because I'm simply sharing what I observe. But when those thoughts turn to words I sound like a godawful, know-it-all bitch.
I hate how I end up treating people. Especially people I try to keep at a distance.
And THAT, that totally nonsensical CRAP, is why I don't have close friends. Why I'm always the slut and never the nice girlfriend you'd take home to Mom and Dad. I'm pretty sure all this over-analytical mental stuff qualifies me as crazy. Do other people do things like this, or am I wayyyyyy fucked up in the head?
Nevertheless, I'm trying hard to be a hardworking, responsible, caring, unselfish, spiritual, strong woman. I want to stop hiding the decent, respectful, intelligent side with all this fake bullshit. It's the road less travelled, for sure, but maybe this self-actualization/existential crisis is actually worth the struggle. I don't really know.