UGH! This girl is sooo dumb! I don't say that about many girls either.
And Ladies, I know just as many dumb guys... or more.
To give you the full scope of what's going on I'll have to back track to January 25th-ish.
So my "gf" and I are at UMass. (she is in her last year and I was visiting friends)
we go to a bar with my friends have a great time then go back to her dorm.
Then she asks me to have sex with her.
I'm kinda tired and I dont really want to, but WHO THE HELL is going to give up sex?
Then I remembered.... SHE'S A VIRGIN.
I've been playing the whole thing quite delicately anyway.
I told her I dont want to do anything she doesnt want to do... and that I totally dont mind taking things (REEEAL) slow.
So Jan. 25th.
we're back at her dorm.
and she begs me to take her virginity.
I should've seen this as the first (or 12th) RED FLAG... but i just said... "no. let's not. I can wait."
after a couple times going back and forth like this she decided she had enough and took matters into her own hands. (with me still saying "no.")
So we get into it and she says "i want to try everything."
ME: Everything?
HER: Yeah. All positions. I want to try them all.
ME: Oh. that sort of everything. Well, what do you want?
HER: I dont know. Everything. Let's do it all.
ME: okay. do you want that over a prolonged period or would you like to try them all in one sitting?
HER: at once!
ME: [shrug] Oookaayy. If that's what you want.
So starts our escapade into the unknown (for her anyway).
we had sex 5 times in 28 hours.
the first time was ...... meh. (it was better when i lost MY virginity)
the second time was better than the first.
the third time FAILED!!!!! (probably something she said)
the fourth time was better than the 2nd. (hmm improvement)
the fifth time......... EPIC FAIL! ...... and here's why....
in the middle of going at it in a position where her legs are over my shoulders and feet behind my head....
No joke... right in the middle of this she puts her feet up against the side of my head and yells out-
"MOOSE ANTLERS!!!"
I have never lost an erection so fast in my entire life.
it took her a minute to realize what happened down below and asked "is everything alright? why aren't you hard anymore?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!?!!
"Well," i said, "it's early morning. I haven't peed yet. maybe that's it. I'm really hungry too. that could be the issue."
OR YOU ARE A DUMB BITCH ON SOME STUPID PLANET . . . YOU GOD DAMN SPACE CADET!
She eventually agrees that food is necessary and we soon go get breakfast.
Let's fast forward.
I gave up sex for Lent.
I know I know. silly me.
But... I dont really like this girl... I dont see her often. I dont really have anyone else knocking on my door. and besides, with my work schedule.... I dont have time for a normal social life. (or sex life)
So I thought this would be the best way for me to focus on me and not worry about the space cadet in Amherst.
Anywhoo... I've been working 2 jobs.
1 is the late night post office job that i've had forever. I work 5 nights a week from Midnight- 6am.
(it's really Midnight -5am, but I say 6am because that's when i get home and go to bed)
Anywhoo.. I work 5 hours a night at the shittiest time of night to work.
#2 Job was being an Assistant Director at my high school for a play that was entered in the Massachusetts High School Drama Guild - Theater Festival Competition. I was working 6pm-930pm every night. then home to eat and take a quick nap and go to Work from 12-6am. so essentially I was working 12 hour shifts. and sometimes there would be a hiccup or two and I'd work doubles or double doubles etc.
It was horrible.
the day before Competition I was to go to school and load up the truck with the set and props.
I get there and my throat is sore. We load the truck up.
I go home. As soon as I get home (3 or 4pm) I start puking. I dont stop puking until 9pm. I slept very little because my fever didn't break until somepoint in the middle of the night. (4am) I had to be up at 6am to get to school get the kids on the bus and travel to Bourne for the competition.
I'm fighting illness and tiredness all day. the kids do a great job, but unfortunately they didn't make it past this round. we lost to a stupid show that is over done and this particular one wasn't very good.
Anywhoo... she shows up at competition to see the show. I dont know what she was thinking. She wasn't going to be able to see me. I had to be with the kids the whole time or with the director. So she was upset that i wasn't sitting near her or something. Idk. ANNNDDD... she got REALLY MAD when I said I wasn't going to kiss her because I was sick for 12 hours and was puking and didnt want to get her sick too.
dumb selfish broad.
anywhoo... she says "well... I'm here. I drove from Amherst. Can I stay at your house?"
REALLY? REAALLLY?!!?? FUCK SAKE! I WAS DYING YESTERDAY AND YOU ASSUME YOU CAN COME OVER AND CUDDLE?!
" uh .. sure. I just need to make sure the beds are made with clean sheets because i dont want you getting sick either, and I slept in every bed at some point during the fever."
so anywhoo... I finally get home 2 hours after she and my family got home.
I come in the door say hi to everyone and then proclaim "I am super tired. I am going to bed."
I go downstairs to my room and plop myself down on the bed and skooch under the covers.
She follows me down, but doesn't get under the covers.
No.
INSTEAD she tries kissing me and tries to get me aroused blah blah blah.
I said " I am tired. I have not slept. I am going to sleep."
"Well I need to brush my teeth and I'm not leaving until you kiss me."
"I am tired. I am sick. I will not kiss you. I am death."
"Are you going to kiss me or not?"
"Go brush your teeth."
"Kiss me before i go?"
"Nope"
"I'm only going to leave if you promise to kiss me. otherwise I'm staying here and keeping you awake"
"FINE. now go brush your teeth."
"You better not be asleep by the time i get back"
"k."
so she goes. brushes her teeth comes back jumps in bed perches herself over me and demands the kiss.
I kiss her cheek and say, "Goodnight."
then instead of accepting it, she starts dry humping my leg, takes off her clothes and shoves her tongue down my throat.
EXCUSE ME!... EXCUSE ME!!!!!
then she shoves her tits in my face so i can suck on them.
well...
the long and short of it is...
we did stuff. me mostly to her to satisfy her "craving" or whatever.
we go to sleep at 4 am. UGH.
the next morning we wake up and she wants me to do it again. I protest to no avail.
she then takes a shower because she needs to journey home and then back to Amherst.
I come back in my room after she's out of the shower to help her pack and she tries forcing herself upon me again.
I said "NO!"
I was being firm.
she gets dressed sits on my couch and cries because i wont fuck her.
which in her mind means that I dont like her and she likes me more and that she's not arousing me.
OR YOU SPACE CADET... YOU GOD DAMN GOLDFISH... I AM SICK. I AM TIRED. MY BODY JUST WANTS TO SLEEP!
I try explaining this nicely and softly to her.
She's an idiot so she doesn't quite get it. then says "why can't you even comfort me?"
"because you're being emotionally irrational."
that did it. she burst into more tears and I'm the bad guy.
"well put yourself in my shoes. what if a girl did that to you. how would you feel?"
" I have been there."
"and?"
"I acted emotionally irrational."
" [ GASP ] "
"what? I realized after that it really wasn't helping the situation."
"whatever"
not too long after she left for home. still upset because I wouldn't sleep with her.
BTW- I told my friends about the "MOOSE ANTLERS" story.... they now call me Bullwinkle. Grreaat.
If it's not one thing with this girl it's an other.
If i break up with her now it will be in her mind like I only dated her for the sex...
except I said No every chance I got.
I have to wait a week or so. I think March 16th sounds like a good day. Or maybe the 13th. That way I can enjoy March 14th- Steak and Blow Job day w/o a woman in my life. hahaha.
Anywhoo...
In my mind... I'm single. ..... but I wont sleep with anyone yet. Besides... I gave it up for lent. So even when I'm officially single I cant break lent. Unless someone wants to break it for me.
I've been studying for the MTELs which I have a test tomorrow at 1pm.
I work tonight until 6am.
sleep from 6-11.
Drive to Braintree by half past Noon.
Test @ 1pm.
Out by 4pm.
then.... ??????
Time to finish studying.
SEE YA LATER!!!!
oh. ps.
I'm adding a little surprise for you as thanks for making it all the way through this epic post.
And Ladies, I know just as many dumb guys... or more.
To give you the full scope of what's going on I'll have to back track to January 25th-ish.
So my "gf" and I are at UMass. (she is in her last year and I was visiting friends)
we go to a bar with my friends have a great time then go back to her dorm.
Then she asks me to have sex with her.
I'm kinda tired and I dont really want to, but WHO THE HELL is going to give up sex?
Then I remembered.... SHE'S A VIRGIN.
I've been playing the whole thing quite delicately anyway.
I told her I dont want to do anything she doesnt want to do... and that I totally dont mind taking things (REEEAL) slow.
So Jan. 25th.
we're back at her dorm.
and she begs me to take her virginity.
I should've seen this as the first (or 12th) RED FLAG... but i just said... "no. let's not. I can wait."
after a couple times going back and forth like this she decided she had enough and took matters into her own hands. (with me still saying "no.")
So we get into it and she says "i want to try everything."
ME: Everything?
HER: Yeah. All positions. I want to try them all.
ME: Oh. that sort of everything. Well, what do you want?
HER: I dont know. Everything. Let's do it all.
ME: okay. do you want that over a prolonged period or would you like to try them all in one sitting?
HER: at once!
ME: [shrug] Oookaayy. If that's what you want.
So starts our escapade into the unknown (for her anyway).
we had sex 5 times in 28 hours.
the first time was ...... meh. (it was better when i lost MY virginity)
the second time was better than the first.
the third time FAILED!!!!! (probably something she said)
the fourth time was better than the 2nd. (hmm improvement)
the fifth time......... EPIC FAIL! ...... and here's why....
in the middle of going at it in a position where her legs are over my shoulders and feet behind my head....
No joke... right in the middle of this she puts her feet up against the side of my head and yells out-
"MOOSE ANTLERS!!!"
I have never lost an erection so fast in my entire life.
it took her a minute to realize what happened down below and asked "is everything alright? why aren't you hard anymore?"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!?!!
"Well," i said, "it's early morning. I haven't peed yet. maybe that's it. I'm really hungry too. that could be the issue."
OR YOU ARE A DUMB BITCH ON SOME STUPID PLANET . . . YOU GOD DAMN SPACE CADET!
She eventually agrees that food is necessary and we soon go get breakfast.
Let's fast forward.
I gave up sex for Lent.
I know I know. silly me.
But... I dont really like this girl... I dont see her often. I dont really have anyone else knocking on my door. and besides, with my work schedule.... I dont have time for a normal social life. (or sex life)
So I thought this would be the best way for me to focus on me and not worry about the space cadet in Amherst.
Anywhoo... I've been working 2 jobs.
1 is the late night post office job that i've had forever. I work 5 nights a week from Midnight- 6am.
(it's really Midnight -5am, but I say 6am because that's when i get home and go to bed)
Anywhoo.. I work 5 hours a night at the shittiest time of night to work.
#2 Job was being an Assistant Director at my high school for a play that was entered in the Massachusetts High School Drama Guild - Theater Festival Competition. I was working 6pm-930pm every night. then home to eat and take a quick nap and go to Work from 12-6am. so essentially I was working 12 hour shifts. and sometimes there would be a hiccup or two and I'd work doubles or double doubles etc.
It was horrible.
the day before Competition I was to go to school and load up the truck with the set and props.
I get there and my throat is sore. We load the truck up.
I go home. As soon as I get home (3 or 4pm) I start puking. I dont stop puking until 9pm. I slept very little because my fever didn't break until somepoint in the middle of the night. (4am) I had to be up at 6am to get to school get the kids on the bus and travel to Bourne for the competition.
I'm fighting illness and tiredness all day. the kids do a great job, but unfortunately they didn't make it past this round. we lost to a stupid show that is over done and this particular one wasn't very good.
Anywhoo... she shows up at competition to see the show. I dont know what she was thinking. She wasn't going to be able to see me. I had to be with the kids the whole time or with the director. So she was upset that i wasn't sitting near her or something. Idk. ANNNDDD... she got REALLY MAD when I said I wasn't going to kiss her because I was sick for 12 hours and was puking and didnt want to get her sick too.
dumb selfish broad.
anywhoo... she says "well... I'm here. I drove from Amherst. Can I stay at your house?"
REALLY? REAALLLY?!!?? FUCK SAKE! I WAS DYING YESTERDAY AND YOU ASSUME YOU CAN COME OVER AND CUDDLE?!
" uh .. sure. I just need to make sure the beds are made with clean sheets because i dont want you getting sick either, and I slept in every bed at some point during the fever."
so anywhoo... I finally get home 2 hours after she and my family got home.
I come in the door say hi to everyone and then proclaim "I am super tired. I am going to bed."
I go downstairs to my room and plop myself down on the bed and skooch under the covers.
She follows me down, but doesn't get under the covers.
No.
INSTEAD she tries kissing me and tries to get me aroused blah blah blah.
I said " I am tired. I have not slept. I am going to sleep."
"Well I need to brush my teeth and I'm not leaving until you kiss me."
"I am tired. I am sick. I will not kiss you. I am death."
"Are you going to kiss me or not?"
"Go brush your teeth."
"Kiss me before i go?"
"Nope"
"I'm only going to leave if you promise to kiss me. otherwise I'm staying here and keeping you awake"
"FINE. now go brush your teeth."
"You better not be asleep by the time i get back"
"k."
so she goes. brushes her teeth comes back jumps in bed perches herself over me and demands the kiss.
I kiss her cheek and say, "Goodnight."
then instead of accepting it, she starts dry humping my leg, takes off her clothes and shoves her tongue down my throat.
EXCUSE ME!... EXCUSE ME!!!!!
then she shoves her tits in my face so i can suck on them.
well...
the long and short of it is...
we did stuff. me mostly to her to satisfy her "craving" or whatever.
we go to sleep at 4 am. UGH.
the next morning we wake up and she wants me to do it again. I protest to no avail.
she then takes a shower because she needs to journey home and then back to Amherst.
I come back in my room after she's out of the shower to help her pack and she tries forcing herself upon me again.
I said "NO!"
I was being firm.
she gets dressed sits on my couch and cries because i wont fuck her.
which in her mind means that I dont like her and she likes me more and that she's not arousing me.
OR YOU SPACE CADET... YOU GOD DAMN GOLDFISH... I AM SICK. I AM TIRED. MY BODY JUST WANTS TO SLEEP!
I try explaining this nicely and softly to her.
She's an idiot so she doesn't quite get it. then says "why can't you even comfort me?"
"because you're being emotionally irrational."
that did it. she burst into more tears and I'm the bad guy.
"well put yourself in my shoes. what if a girl did that to you. how would you feel?"
" I have been there."
"and?"
"I acted emotionally irrational."
" [ GASP ] "
"what? I realized after that it really wasn't helping the situation."
"whatever"
not too long after she left for home. still upset because I wouldn't sleep with her.
BTW- I told my friends about the "MOOSE ANTLERS" story.... they now call me Bullwinkle. Grreaat.
If it's not one thing with this girl it's an other.
If i break up with her now it will be in her mind like I only dated her for the sex...
except I said No every chance I got.
I have to wait a week or so. I think March 16th sounds like a good day. Or maybe the 13th. That way I can enjoy March 14th- Steak and Blow Job day w/o a woman in my life. hahaha.
Anywhoo...
In my mind... I'm single. ..... but I wont sleep with anyone yet. Besides... I gave it up for lent. So even when I'm officially single I cant break lent. Unless someone wants to break it for me.
I've been studying for the MTELs which I have a test tomorrow at 1pm.
I work tonight until 6am.
sleep from 6-11.
Drive to Braintree by half past Noon.
Test @ 1pm.
Out by 4pm.
then.... ??????
Time to finish studying.
SEE YA LATER!!!!
oh. ps.
I'm adding a little surprise for you as thanks for making it all the way through this epic post.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
user1114108:
Silly girl.
renard:
hahaahah what a fun read!