because I love to jinx myself I'm going to pour all my goddamn hopes into this.
because I keep having nightmares that I failed Lit Theory and my other two professors retracted my good grades.
a bonfire tonight, a Lit Theory B+ fucking please, a trip to Tennessee and Connecticut and Arizona and a life to my fucking self.
this one goddamn person who used to be my universe is now a friend of a friend of a friend and this feels surreally close and he is stealing the basic parts of me. I can't stand him when he cries but I fucking HATE him when he doesn't.
he's flaunting his misanthropy and stagnation like it's the cool goddamn angsty thing to do. he hasn't shut up about it since I tried to will him out of my life. who fucking knew that breaking up would be the end of nothing. he's still smothering me and lamenting me and being more present in certain areas of my life than he ever was during the five years that I respected him.
he has no personality, and as fucking batshit insane as I am, he is stealing mine.
but I am putting on plastic smiles for him so he doesn't deny me my copy of Brave New World I lent him half a lifetime ago, or the only brilliant school project I've ever done, or my stupid ridiculous bathing suit. putting on plastic smiles but I don't know how I will give him back his shit because I cannot imagine a situation where I will want to see him. him with his goddamn hugs and penetrating eyes and how sad and small he can make his mouth sometimes. I don't want to see how much I've hurt him but I also don't want to see how well we're both doing without each other.
I'm doing really goddamn well. until he pops up somewhere, I am. I conquered a phobia today because I didn't have anyone to hold my hand, and it felt like marvelous fucking rebirth, so joy unto the fucking world.
I just want it to stay this way. I want everything to be gone and I want to start over. he's not the only person I've fucked up in recent days. he is just the reason. he caused me to become something absolutely disgusting and I relied on other people to make me feel better. I used them. it's revolting and wrong. but now I've tied myself up in things and I just want it to be done, I want to travel across the country alone and keep getting only A's and B's and have my own oxygen and be unknown. I want to be loved but from an amazing distance.
et cetera et cetera blah blah blah I'm going to make s'mores with good people now.
because I keep having nightmares that I failed Lit Theory and my other two professors retracted my good grades.
a bonfire tonight, a Lit Theory B+ fucking please, a trip to Tennessee and Connecticut and Arizona and a life to my fucking self.
this one goddamn person who used to be my universe is now a friend of a friend of a friend and this feels surreally close and he is stealing the basic parts of me. I can't stand him when he cries but I fucking HATE him when he doesn't.
he's flaunting his misanthropy and stagnation like it's the cool goddamn angsty thing to do. he hasn't shut up about it since I tried to will him out of my life. who fucking knew that breaking up would be the end of nothing. he's still smothering me and lamenting me and being more present in certain areas of my life than he ever was during the five years that I respected him.
he has no personality, and as fucking batshit insane as I am, he is stealing mine.
but I am putting on plastic smiles for him so he doesn't deny me my copy of Brave New World I lent him half a lifetime ago, or the only brilliant school project I've ever done, or my stupid ridiculous bathing suit. putting on plastic smiles but I don't know how I will give him back his shit because I cannot imagine a situation where I will want to see him. him with his goddamn hugs and penetrating eyes and how sad and small he can make his mouth sometimes. I don't want to see how much I've hurt him but I also don't want to see how well we're both doing without each other.
I'm doing really goddamn well. until he pops up somewhere, I am. I conquered a phobia today because I didn't have anyone to hold my hand, and it felt like marvelous fucking rebirth, so joy unto the fucking world.
I just want it to stay this way. I want everything to be gone and I want to start over. he's not the only person I've fucked up in recent days. he is just the reason. he caused me to become something absolutely disgusting and I relied on other people to make me feel better. I used them. it's revolting and wrong. but now I've tied myself up in things and I just want it to be done, I want to travel across the country alone and keep getting only A's and B's and have my own oxygen and be unknown. I want to be loved but from an amazing distance.
et cetera et cetera blah blah blah I'm going to make s'mores with good people now.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
admiraljack:
Left angular gyrus region!
alyk:
I'm really only trying to get into your pants, so it doesn't matter if I "like" you or not...I would "like" to bang you...end of story...