anyone who tells you that a library is a quiet and peaceful place has obviously never been to one.
my fucking job:
-there was a fight in the parking lot, cops had to be called.
-"what do you MEAN you're charging me fifty cents for a new barcode? this is RIDICULOUS. I would NEVER damage ANYTHING belonging to the library. this is UNBELIEVABLE. no I don't want to see a supervisor, I don't want to raise a big stink. fifty cents! RIDICULOUS."
-"what do you MEAN you can't issue me a library card without a photo ID? my daughter just had a BABY!"
-"if you live in a group home your card has to be renewed every 4 months? that's DISCRIMINATION!"
-"bookmarks have to be paid for at the service desk? but I just stood in LINE! you are here to provide a service for ME! I pay my taxes!"
-"I can only renew this book twice? but I haven't been able to read it because I've been in church so much lately! can't you let me keep it?!"
-screaming. children. fucking. EVERYWHERE.
-"please hold onto these books for me. I need to water my geraniums. I overwatered them last week and thought I'd lost them for good."
-"do you count 11 tapes in this case? I don't count 11. is this 11? I can't tell." (it was 11)
-two days in a row, some fuckers stole shit from the library. one was a book; they ripped the cover off and threw it back at us. we don't know yet what else was stolen.
-"I can access my son's BANK account, it's goddamn UNFATHOMABLE that I can't access his LIBRARY record."
-"you let my child check out an R-rated movie! it's the library's responsibility to make sure children do not check out R-rated movies!" (it is not; that would be censorship, and it is illegal. as a parent, you are responsible for everything checked out on your child's library card until the child is 18; if you have issues with certain materials, we suggest you keep a close eye on what the child is checking out from the library. additionally, go FUCK yourself in the EYE SOCKET.)
-eleventy billion times a day: "where are your tax forms? do you have tax forms? where are your TAX FORMS?" THERE IS A GODDAMN NEON PINK AND ORANGE SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE TELLING YOU WHERE THE SHITHOLED FUCKING TAX FORMS ARE.
-about fifty trillion more times than that, when patrons are returning their books, they put them down the conveyor belt one by one (even though there is yet another sign right in front of their faces telling them NOT to do so), which backs up the track, wasting their time and ours. so we come out and ask them to put them in stacks like the sign says, or we yell up the track, PUT YOUR BOOKS IN STACKS PLEASE. they never listen. and my co-workers, mostly middle-aged mothers and grandmothers, say, "think of it as preparation for motherhood."
-"I have a Ramsey County card, can I use it here? I have to REGISTER here? how long does THAT take? can't you just let me take the books overnight? I'll leave you collateral! I don't WANT to stand in another line!"
-screamingchildrenscreamingchildrenscreamingchildren
-one co-worker spent three weeks in the hospital and is still on drugs from it and has completely forgotten everything about her job. calls me Lori and says she's afraid to file for disability because if she gets rejected she won't know what to do. to accommodate her re-training, most of us have to trade jobs with her. I sat in one place for four hours today. red rum.
-I'm glad I usually don't work mornings, because that's when most of the angry-old-people-who-think-the world-owes-them-something come in.
-"why don't you have valet parking? I'd be willing to pay more in taxes if you had valet parking. could you page a librarian to go get my car for me? it's raining and I don't have a raincoat and my daughter just had a baby."
-"I just paid $20 in late fees last week, can't I get some kind of deal on this week's fines?"
-"I biked FIVE MILES here only to have you tell me I need to have a library card or photo ID in order to check out this gigantic stack of books? that's unbelievable! my daughter just had a baby!"
-"I'm going to Mazatlan next week so I can't afford to pay for these rentals and is it ok if I take them outside the country? can you extend the due date while I'm in Mazatlan and won't be reachable by phone? can you send this book to me in Mazatlan when it comes in? my daughter just had a baby."
-co-worker from other job comes in and I have to register him and his wife for library cards. old acquaintances come in and pretend to remember my name. former high school teachers come in and pretend to remember my name. all printers run out of paper at once, all computers shut down at once, all patrons rush to check out thirty seconds before closing then try to come back in because they want one more book after we're closed. fuckers forget their library cards and forget to water their geraniums and treat all the 20-year-old underage-looking girls like shit and their daughters have always just had a baby.
-"you still in high school? you must still be in high school. you HAVE to be." they're leaning over the counter, wiggling their eyebrows, ruddy red and wearing Ford hats and flannel shirts. "I'm a junior in college." they lean back, their faces fallen, they tap their hands on the counter. "well you look a damn sight younger. you're a cute one!" I decide to put a P in their record. P for Pedophile.
-I don't get weekends. weekends are the worst part of my week. no day is more intolerable than Saturday. Saturday, the day that used to be nothing but reprieve and glory. I get a full two-day weekend next week because I've fucking earned it, but I'll probably spend half of it doing all the homework I've not had time to do because of my shit-tastic allegiance to my job.
-crazy man streaks.
-crazier man masturbates by the books-on-tape.
-man with Tourette's has late fees and is so twitchy he can barely talk.
-I sit and read People magazine during break, or something trite by Frank McCourt, wishing I had something sharp or something loud, sharper and louder than the screaming bitch mother with the three wailing children, refusing to pay any kind of money to the library because she hasn't lived at that old address in years, doesn't that clear your record? QUIET COOPER, QUIET AIDAN, QUIET MACKENZIE, THIS IS A LIBRARY! YOU'RE IN A LIBRARY SHHHH MOMMY NEEDS TO TALK TO THE LADY AT THE DESK SO BE QUIET OR YOU CAN'T GET A BOOK!
-I grind my teeth, I dream of chewing my finger straight in half, I dream of an abortion being ground out of my crotch by sandpaper. I sneeze into their books behind the scenes, I give them the wrong change (not because I'm evil, but because I can't fucking do math), I glare at the assholes who yell at me and ask me my name so they can report me when all I'm doing is enforcing policy. I work for the government. I work for the county. I get 15% off cell phones and can't wear jeans to work or shirts with lettering. they take 5% out of every paycheck for my retirement fund; the county matches it with an additional 5%. I will loll on a snowy beach someday, stupefied by my own wasted life, my teeth full of holes because of the daily Coke I drank at the library just to keep myself alive, cavities filling with ice and death, and I will never serve another human being again.
ta-daaaaa.
my fucking job:
-there was a fight in the parking lot, cops had to be called.
-"what do you MEAN you're charging me fifty cents for a new barcode? this is RIDICULOUS. I would NEVER damage ANYTHING belonging to the library. this is UNBELIEVABLE. no I don't want to see a supervisor, I don't want to raise a big stink. fifty cents! RIDICULOUS."
-"what do you MEAN you can't issue me a library card without a photo ID? my daughter just had a BABY!"
-"if you live in a group home your card has to be renewed every 4 months? that's DISCRIMINATION!"
-"bookmarks have to be paid for at the service desk? but I just stood in LINE! you are here to provide a service for ME! I pay my taxes!"
-"I can only renew this book twice? but I haven't been able to read it because I've been in church so much lately! can't you let me keep it?!"
-screaming. children. fucking. EVERYWHERE.
-"please hold onto these books for me. I need to water my geraniums. I overwatered them last week and thought I'd lost them for good."
-"do you count 11 tapes in this case? I don't count 11. is this 11? I can't tell." (it was 11)
-two days in a row, some fuckers stole shit from the library. one was a book; they ripped the cover off and threw it back at us. we don't know yet what else was stolen.
-"I can access my son's BANK account, it's goddamn UNFATHOMABLE that I can't access his LIBRARY record."
-"you let my child check out an R-rated movie! it's the library's responsibility to make sure children do not check out R-rated movies!" (it is not; that would be censorship, and it is illegal. as a parent, you are responsible for everything checked out on your child's library card until the child is 18; if you have issues with certain materials, we suggest you keep a close eye on what the child is checking out from the library. additionally, go FUCK yourself in the EYE SOCKET.)
-eleventy billion times a day: "where are your tax forms? do you have tax forms? where are your TAX FORMS?" THERE IS A GODDAMN NEON PINK AND ORANGE SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE TELLING YOU WHERE THE SHITHOLED FUCKING TAX FORMS ARE.
-about fifty trillion more times than that, when patrons are returning their books, they put them down the conveyor belt one by one (even though there is yet another sign right in front of their faces telling them NOT to do so), which backs up the track, wasting their time and ours. so we come out and ask them to put them in stacks like the sign says, or we yell up the track, PUT YOUR BOOKS IN STACKS PLEASE. they never listen. and my co-workers, mostly middle-aged mothers and grandmothers, say, "think of it as preparation for motherhood."
-"I have a Ramsey County card, can I use it here? I have to REGISTER here? how long does THAT take? can't you just let me take the books overnight? I'll leave you collateral! I don't WANT to stand in another line!"
-screamingchildrenscreamingchildrenscreamingchildren
-one co-worker spent three weeks in the hospital and is still on drugs from it and has completely forgotten everything about her job. calls me Lori and says she's afraid to file for disability because if she gets rejected she won't know what to do. to accommodate her re-training, most of us have to trade jobs with her. I sat in one place for four hours today. red rum.
-I'm glad I usually don't work mornings, because that's when most of the angry-old-people-who-think-the world-owes-them-something come in.
-"why don't you have valet parking? I'd be willing to pay more in taxes if you had valet parking. could you page a librarian to go get my car for me? it's raining and I don't have a raincoat and my daughter just had a baby."
-"I just paid $20 in late fees last week, can't I get some kind of deal on this week's fines?"
-"I biked FIVE MILES here only to have you tell me I need to have a library card or photo ID in order to check out this gigantic stack of books? that's unbelievable! my daughter just had a baby!"
-"I'm going to Mazatlan next week so I can't afford to pay for these rentals and is it ok if I take them outside the country? can you extend the due date while I'm in Mazatlan and won't be reachable by phone? can you send this book to me in Mazatlan when it comes in? my daughter just had a baby."
-co-worker from other job comes in and I have to register him and his wife for library cards. old acquaintances come in and pretend to remember my name. former high school teachers come in and pretend to remember my name. all printers run out of paper at once, all computers shut down at once, all patrons rush to check out thirty seconds before closing then try to come back in because they want one more book after we're closed. fuckers forget their library cards and forget to water their geraniums and treat all the 20-year-old underage-looking girls like shit and their daughters have always just had a baby.
-"you still in high school? you must still be in high school. you HAVE to be." they're leaning over the counter, wiggling their eyebrows, ruddy red and wearing Ford hats and flannel shirts. "I'm a junior in college." they lean back, their faces fallen, they tap their hands on the counter. "well you look a damn sight younger. you're a cute one!" I decide to put a P in their record. P for Pedophile.
-I don't get weekends. weekends are the worst part of my week. no day is more intolerable than Saturday. Saturday, the day that used to be nothing but reprieve and glory. I get a full two-day weekend next week because I've fucking earned it, but I'll probably spend half of it doing all the homework I've not had time to do because of my shit-tastic allegiance to my job.
-crazy man streaks.
-crazier man masturbates by the books-on-tape.
-man with Tourette's has late fees and is so twitchy he can barely talk.
-I sit and read People magazine during break, or something trite by Frank McCourt, wishing I had something sharp or something loud, sharper and louder than the screaming bitch mother with the three wailing children, refusing to pay any kind of money to the library because she hasn't lived at that old address in years, doesn't that clear your record? QUIET COOPER, QUIET AIDAN, QUIET MACKENZIE, THIS IS A LIBRARY! YOU'RE IN A LIBRARY SHHHH MOMMY NEEDS TO TALK TO THE LADY AT THE DESK SO BE QUIET OR YOU CAN'T GET A BOOK!
-I grind my teeth, I dream of chewing my finger straight in half, I dream of an abortion being ground out of my crotch by sandpaper. I sneeze into their books behind the scenes, I give them the wrong change (not because I'm evil, but because I can't fucking do math), I glare at the assholes who yell at me and ask me my name so they can report me when all I'm doing is enforcing policy. I work for the government. I work for the county. I get 15% off cell phones and can't wear jeans to work or shirts with lettering. they take 5% out of every paycheck for my retirement fund; the county matches it with an additional 5%. I will loll on a snowy beach someday, stupefied by my own wasted life, my teeth full of holes because of the daily Coke I drank at the library just to keep myself alive, cavities filling with ice and death, and I will never serve another human being again.
ta-daaaaa.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
wow... well it was to amusing to read about at least.
My daughter just had a baby! hehe
Hopefully you don't get asked several times a day if you work there like I do... (me with my photo nametag and my cart full of books that I am putting on the shelf.).
Or basic questions about the layout that could be answered by a mere glance at a sign. Any sign, really.
I'm quite certain that you deal with the cell phone plague less. Those people never use them anywhere other than the stacks and quiet study areas.
And the grade school kids whose parents use the library as a corral for their wild offspring until they can drop by and pick them up.
So: know that you are not alone.