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obligatory Christmas update!!

Saturday, December 24

-upon waking up, I discovered a massacre in my panties. period had arrived just exactly on schedule! a Christmas miracle!
-went to Target for last-minute shit with my family, fought with parents, then bought them those big glove things you punch stuff with and they make RAAWRROORRR sounds. we wanted Incredible Hulk ones, but they only had Thing. later, my 30-year-old brother punched me in the boobs with them, and somehow it was ok.
-all over White Bear Avenue there were signs for Yin Yang, a Chinese restaurant, and their special of 50 chicken wings for $17. we got them, but they charged us $18!
-party + drunkening + Scrabble over at Uncle Danny's. also, very good smoked salmon on toast.
-at our house, dollar store gift exchange. the basis of this exchange is we all draw names and buy horrible dollar store gifts for whoever we get. the best gifts are ones with Engrish. I think my favorite one this year was a plastic flip phone my brother gave me. it says "Benign Girl."
-at some point, cat stepped in poop. he kept sniffing his foot and making that "cat smells something gross and will make a weird face" face. then we noticed he smelled like poop. debacle ensued as we cleaned him off (ended with mom, her arm scratched, wrapping him in towel and me shampooing his paw with pina colada shampoo and cooing at him about what a good boy he is). also, freakout over mom's scratches. me saying HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF PUNGEE STICKS because what if he scratched her with the poop paw? Mom cannot find rubbing alcohol, so Tory says USE HAIRSPRAY USE HAIRSPRAY, and then I find the rubbing alcohol.
-there is kitty diarrhea all over one of the litter boxes, and little poopy paw prints leading out of it. much time is spent disinfecting floor and box and wondering what the fuck went wrong.
-I got some very nice gifts, but the best one was the phrase "pay it forward."

parents are paying the several kajillion dollars for Ireland, my $1,500 car repairs, and the damage my MOM's car sustained when I crashed it last month, which is at least another thousand dollars.

.........!!!!!!

and I'm flabbergasted. no, stupefied. no... umm.. completely unable to absorb such good news and generosity. I am as a full tampon. there is no absorbency left in me. all good news must bounce right off and slide into oblivion.

seriously, I cannot even begin. this is amazing. this is beyond anything I could have ever tried to hope to pretend to imagine. it is THAT BIG. all of my gigantic money problems of the last few months have been completely lifted. pay it forward? you bet your ass I will.

..there is no swear word fantastically expressive enough to show you how GOD THE FUCKING HELL ASS DAMN grateful I am for this.

Sunday, December 25

-church. I am not a church person. church makes me nervous. church makes me want to cry sometimes, in a bad way, and it didn't help that the service was one of the worst I've ever been to in my life (bearing in mind that I spent 17.5 years going to church once or twice a week, often more). I felt out of place and judged and grossed out, and the weird stares of old people as I sat in the pew during communion did not help. going to church on Christmas is something I do for my parents because it makes them happy. this year it went all wrong, I got bitchy, and we fought for an hour or so afterward.
-tears, theological arguments, political debates, etc., and we made up, and then we got Chinese food.
-it was good, but it was also bad in that we all were convinced that we would die of indigestion, which somehow was also causing my mom and me to hallucinate a little.
-drove to Hudson, and no one was there.
-drove home, spent remainder of afternoon in pajamas, eating chocolates, watching cooking shows.. an anticlimactic end to a really overly weird Christmas.

and now it's done, except it's not.

and I just want it to snow and snow and snow, and be bright and sunny, and I want to go for a walk in the woods with headphones on, listen to Metallica at a nature center wearing a sweatshirt walking for miles in the sun. that has become my only way of living through winter, but fuck only knows if it will happen this year.

anyway, that's the quick and/or dirty version of the happy slappy holiday. this morning, if you could believe it, I dreamed that I was masturbating with a giant candy cane.

I don't know if I write anything I mean in here. it was a beautiful couple of days and I love my fucking ridiculous family more than I can even begin to exemplify here. so just, shut up, and you're great, and thanks for listening, or not listening as the case may be, and I hope you had a good weekend, if nothing else.