mephausto

she says to me "I'm sorry this whole thing is so messy"

and I say that it's okay.

but I'm not sure what the thing is we're talking about.

to me, it seems like she's been in the perpetual state of breaking up with him for as long as she and I have been working together. but now we come to her birthday weekend, and there's loaded questions at work, long muted looks, poking at each other's ribs, her toes under my leg to warm her feet, then dinner with other coworkers, then more tickling and looks at the alibi as I croon "Come Fly With Me" to an adoring albeit intoxicated crowd of people, then a silent walk back to where she'll get her food out of my car, give me a moist eyed hug, say those words, and get dropped off at her door by the other coworkers, to spend the night again with him, then go and spend three days on the coast with him to see what happens

and I wonder

if what this is is what I think it could be

do I really want it?