medusaq

thank you to those who sent me birthday wishes! it was a pretty happy birthday despite tummy troubles (which beer & cigarettes surely don't improve...)

life is such a jumbled, disorganized & misorchestrated show. i don't know when to sway, when to jump up & down, when to find a seat...closer to the stage? further away?

for 6 months i didn't notice anyone interested in a relationship with me whom i found suitable for my tastes. AND NOW: 2 people wanting to develop something more than a friendship with me.

one, a boy from the past...complicated, comfortable, familiar. not a whole lot of intensity. some baggage between us. loyalty, but reservations.

another, a girl from the present...complicated, comfortable & familiar in different unfamiliar ways. intensity, subdued excitement. baggage, but not for me. that thing that exists in newness. loyalty, readiness.

i can't fully enjoy either person knowing that i have to eventually make a choice. not choosing isn't doing it for me. they both know the other exists.

i wish i could DATE both & then see what feels right, what feels best. i don't know if people really date anymore. it used to be okay to go on dates with several different people...does that still exist?